Thursday, January 18, 2007

Are you a Thinker or a Doer?

Faithful readers will have noticed that Poker Chick has entered the next phase of technology. Counters, tables, pictures, what will she think of next? Well she's got something up her sleeve: POLLS! Yes, Poker Chick is currently working on some cutting edge poll technology. Alas, she was not clever enough to figure out said technology in time for this post. Had she done so, you would have been asked to make this website interactive by telling us whether you, reader, are a thinker or doer.

In the meantime, Poker Chick encourages you to post your thoughts. Doer, thinker, whoever you are - let us hear your story!!! Meanwhile, here is hers:

Thinkers vs. Doers
After many years, Poker Chick has finally come to terms that she is not a Doer. She never has been and never will be. Some highly active doers have names for the non-doer: wimp, baby, princess, sissy, lazy-ass, what-have-you. Poker Chick has watched athletes for years with the erroneous impression that these people are somehow better than us frail geeks. This is not so! Poker Chick hereby announces that all people in the world can be divided into two categories: Doers and Thinkers.

How did she arrive at this brilliantly simple conclusion? Observe:
Activities Poker Chick Enjoys.
Watching television and movies.
Reading about television and movies.
Going to theater and ballet.
Shopping (Must be 3 hours or less.)
Doing crossword puzzles.
Reading dirty magazines.
Surfing the web.
Traveling to big cities around the world.
Analyzing people.
Analyzing research and numbers.
Sunning herself.
Exercising. The lying on floor, stretchy, pilates kind.
Walking. The slow, daydreamy kind.
Activities She Does Not Enjoy.
All team sports.
Horseback Riding.
Running at any speed less than 18 mph.

How did Poker Chick learn this, you ask? Well, the big "Aha" came when Poker Chick realized she enjoyed helping her friend re-write a creative brief about hemmorhoidal wipes. Now before you laugh, 'tis true. There are nuances in the anal hygiene category that are indeed quite fascinating. New product launches. Generic competitors. A significant purchase barrier of consumer shame. It's quite a challenge to market such a product. How can one not find this interesting? So yes, Poker Chick would rather do the extra work than she would get up off her ass and get her heart rate up (Sorry, dear readers. She couldn't let that one go). Clearly, she is a thinker.

Are there anomalies? Sure. Poker Chick likes to dance. And swim. But dancing is more the drunken, let's sing-along variety. And while Poker Chick is indeed a most capable swimmer, swimming is more of the "let's float on our backs and look at pretty fishies in the warm water" variety of swimming.

Now Poker Chick fully concedes that doers have many benefits overall. They're generally better looking. Toned, fit, healthy. They're happier (or at least oblivious to their own despair). They enjoy things called "hobbies".

Thinkers, however are often overlooked, and Poker Chick always roots for the underdog. We're small, but powerful. We're often more intelligent, sophisticated and worldly than the average doer. Thinkers are thought-leaders; enjoying quiet success in business, politics, media and more. We may be chicken. We may be soft. You may never want us on your softball team. But we'll kick your ass at poker. And if you put down that racket for a minute, we might even make you laugh.

Personally, Poker Chick would much rather be a thinker.

Thursday, January 11, 2007

Something has happened to Poker Chick. She is very sad. For reasons unknown, she seems to have lost her mojo. If anyone should happen to have information on its whereabouts, or even just an anyonymous tip, please contact the 24-hour mojo rescue service.

Sunday, January 7, 2007

Poop, There it Is!

Ah, poop. Whatever you call it (poop, poo, doody, stinky, caci, number two, feces, sh*t, dump, turtle head, etc..) you know what it is. In fact, no other word in the english language has more synonyms than the word "poop". No, really, it's true.

Now, if you're, err, regular - you probably know the answer to this question: What's your poop style? Are you a morning person? Are you a reader? Are you unpredictable?* There's no better way to understand this taboo subject than to change thousands of diapers. Poker Chick has always wondered whether poop style is more about biology or psychology? Fortunately for you all, she's done a case study on Poker Chick junior.

Poker Chick believes that the biggest predictor of poop style is the presence or absence of Mommy.

No doubt, readers are now laughing or rolling their eyes. But Poker Chick has been documenting this phenomenon for over a year. She presents to you the irrefutable results:

  1. Babyhood: Poker Chick begins to suspect that something is amiss. She spends many hours stuck at home, attached to the kid by her boobie. Daddy is in charge of most diapers on the weekend, but takes a couple of hours off here and there. Poker Chick junior holds her urges until the minute Mommy's in charge again. Every single time. Daddy changed about one poopy diaper in the entire six month period. This is not an exaggeration.
  2. Toddlerhood: The child goes like clockwork. One and only one load a day, every single day, from 12-1. Except when Mommy's not there at the time. Some recent examples:
  • Poker Chick works a half day. She arrives home at 12:30, hoping to have escaped the dreaded poop. She's most pleased (sorry my darling) to hear that her dear friend had already suffered the diaper change. Poker Chick was safe. But wait, what's this? Yep, that's right, Poker Chick junior saved an extra one especially for Mommy. 10 minutes after she got home.
  • Poker Chick runs some errands. She secretly schedules them around the "danger zone", only to find out that the child has spared her Daddy. Poker Chick is treated to not one, but two diaperfuls that day.

Now you readers of science may be questioning this "Data", but fret not: these were truly controlled experiments conducted over a period of several months. Poker Chick took great care to make sure all other variables were kept the same: the same amount/type of food was served, same water, same schedule. She even made sure that meals ingested the previous day were the same on many ocassions, to eliminate that factor (pardon the pun). Poker Chick went to great lengths to test her theories. She specifically hired babysitters at key hours. She planned errands and meetings around these times, hoping to leave anyone else with the duty that day (sorry, couldn't resist). All variables were indeed kept constant with the exception of the caretaker.

The intellectuals amongst you will find ways to rationalize this. For example, recent studies have been published that claim a child's poop smells better to its mother than to anyone else. These studies posit that it's some sort of biological defense mechanism to ensure that these poor kids stay clean, thus reducing their chance of contracting a life-threatening disease. Poker Chick promises you this is just not true. It smells just as bad to the child's mother, and anyone that will tell you otherwise is just telling a socially acceptable lie.

So, nu, why do these babies torture their poor mothers so much? There are three current theories:

  1. Someone has entered into some sort of cosmic contract with the child, making her promise to poop for her mother as often as possible.
  2. Poker Chick has more super powers than she thinks; one of which has made her into a human laxative for children. There is support for this theory: put a newborn into Poker Chick's arms and observe the scrunched up face within five minutes.
  3. Poop has more to do with pyschology than it does biology, giving a whole new meaning to people we refer to as "stuck up" or "loose".
Which theory is true? Any and all suggestions are appreciated. Until then, Poker Chick will be busy trying to figure out how to reduce her sense of smell.

*Note: This is a rhetorical question. Please do not share your answers with Poker Chick, even though she's already predicted which readers will disregard this request.

Saturday, January 6, 2007

Poker Chick has officially decided that cake is an underrated and undervalued item. Particularly if it's choclate. With frosting. Lots of frosting. Mmmm.....