Ah, poop. Whatever you call it (poop, poo, doody, stinky, caci, number two, feces, sh*t, dump, turtle head, etc..) you know what it is. In fact, no other word in the english language has more synonyms than the word "poop". No, really, it's true.
Now, if you're, err, regular - you probably know the answer to this question: What's your poop style? Are you a morning person? Are you a reader? Are you unpredictable?* There's no better way to understand this taboo subject than to change thousands of diapers. Poker Chick has always wondered whether poop style is more about biology or psychology? Fortunately for you all, she's done a case study on Poker Chick junior.
Poker Chick believes that the biggest predictor of poop style is the presence or absence of Mommy.
No doubt, readers are now laughing or rolling their eyes. But Poker Chick has been documenting this phenomenon for over a year. She presents to you the irrefutable results:
- Babyhood: Poker Chick begins to suspect that something is amiss. She spends many hours stuck at home, attached to the kid by her boobie. Daddy is in charge of most diapers on the weekend, but takes a couple of hours off here and there. Poker Chick junior holds her urges until the minute Mommy's in charge again. Every single time. Daddy changed about one poopy diaper in the entire six month period. This is not an exaggeration.
- Toddlerhood: The child goes like clockwork. One and only one load a day, every single day, from 12-1. Except when Mommy's not there at the time. Some recent examples:
- Poker Chick works a half day. She arrives home at 12:30, hoping to have escaped the dreaded poop. She's most pleased (sorry my darling) to hear that her dear friend had already suffered the diaper change. Poker Chick was safe. But wait, what's this? Yep, that's right, Poker Chick junior saved an extra one especially for Mommy. 10 minutes after she got home.
- Poker Chick runs some errands. She secretly schedules them around the "danger zone", only to find out that the child has spared her Daddy. Poker Chick is treated to not one, but two diaperfuls that day.
Now you readers of science may be questioning this "Data", but fret not: these were truly controlled experiments conducted over a period of several months. Poker Chick took great care to make sure all other variables were kept the same: the same amount/type of food was served, same water, same schedule. She even made sure that meals ingested the previous day were the same on many ocassions, to eliminate that factor (pardon the pun). Poker Chick went to great lengths to test her theories. She specifically hired babysitters at key hours. She planned errands and meetings around these times, hoping to leave anyone else with the duty that day (sorry, couldn't resist). All variables were indeed kept constant with the exception of the caretaker.
The intellectuals amongst you will find ways to rationalize this. For example, recent studies have been published that claim a child's poop smells better to its mother than to anyone else. These studies posit that it's some sort of biological defense mechanism to ensure that these poor kids stay clean, thus reducing their chance of contracting a life-threatening disease. Poker Chick promises you this is just not true. It smells just as bad to the child's mother, and anyone that will tell you otherwise is just telling a socially acceptable lie.
So, nu, why do these babies torture their poor mothers so much? There are three current theories:
- Someone has entered into some sort of cosmic contract with the child, making her promise to poop for her mother as often as possible.
- Poker Chick has more super powers than she thinks; one of which has made her into a human laxative for children. There is support for this theory: put a newborn into Poker Chick's arms and observe the scrunched up face within five minutes.
- Poop has more to do with pyschology than it does biology, giving a whole new meaning to people we refer to as "stuck up" or "loose".
*Note: This is a rhetorical question. Please do not share your answers with Poker Chick, even though she's already predicted which readers will disregard this request.