Monday, December 31, 2007

Happy New Year!

Poker Chick would like to wish all her readers, friends, fans, family, lurkers a happy 2008. Any interesting resolutions out there? Here are Poker Chick's:

1) Check personal email more often
2) Eat more fruit
3) Exercise at least 3 times a month
4) Spend more time thinking of others vs. herself

Wednesday, December 26, 2007

Flight #1: So far so good.....not!

Part 1 of a 2 part series.....

Traveling with a small child is always an adventure of its own. So between air travel, time differences, and getting a kid to sleep in a strange place with scary dog monsters, the Christmas trip to California was filled with....entertainment. Entertainment for those hearing about it after the fact, that is.

Let's start with the flight on the way over. It seemed promising. Pulled out from the gate exactly at departure time (Poker Chick speaks the truth!). Took off exactly 5 minutes later (are we still in America?) and the mini was shockingly well-behaved the entire flight.

Until we began our descent. About 5 seconds after they announced everyone had to stay in their seats for landing, the mini announces to the entire 25th row: "I have to make a poopy!" But she wanted to behave and understood she needed to wait until we landed. She was a trooper. She did the dance, wiggled like a worm, reminded me often, but she waited. And then...finally....we landed.

And then....we sat on the runway. And sat. And sat some more.

You see, the state of affairs in the American air-travel system has deteriorated so much we are no longer equipped to handle flights that actually land on time. So the captain announced we needed to wait until they found an open jetway for us. It would only be 5 minutes.

Until it was 10 minutes. And 15. And 20. By this point, the mini was frustrated and yelling her head off, the DVD batteries had long died, all the coloring book pages were filled and I had run out of stalling tactics. I also could not figure out how you could do a time-out when you were already strapped into your seat. There was no way around it. The kid had to poop, and she couldn't wait anymore. After staying in one seat for 6 straight hours my kid was entitled to her business.

So I made a run for it.

I undid our seat belts, and ran us both to the bathroom and slammed the door, pretending not to hear the flight attendant "Miss, you need to return back to your seat, the captain cannot move the plane until...". Yeah, right lady! You guys have held hostage on this plane. My 2-year old isn't buying it. Why don't you make yourself useful and you go poop it up with my kid so I can keep my seat belt on?! Yeah. That's what I thought.

I'm trying to hurry and after covering the seat with a half-roll of TP (neurotic mother here), I pulled down the pull-ups and plopped the kid on the seat. She dawdled and made faces and finally smiled and said "I don't have to make a poopy anymore". Arghhhh!!!!! Let's pause to share Poker Chick's frustration. Or at least imagine it.

Ok let's continue. We could've just gone right back but of course she just had to put her hands inside the toilet. So then we still had to wash our hands. And my kid hates washing her hands. Then I had to coerce her to pull her pants back up. Take a wild guess how much she loves doing that too?

Actual size of airplane bathroom, to scale.

10 minutes later we returned from our wasted trip. I get our seat belts back on and the plane begins taxiing to the gate. What does the mini say? Yep, you guessed it: "Mommy, I have to make a poopy now."

This is the part of the story when you slap your hand on your forehead and shake your head no, peeps. Noooo, make it stop....

For those of you interested in following this theme of "adventures in poop" all the way through, you'll be please to know that the mini went 4 times on the trip back. Sadly they were, as the mini correctly pointed out, the "messy" "stinky" kind.

Monday, December 24, 2007

We all know how much Poker Chick loves people watching on the subway. But sometimes she regrets watching. The other day, a woman ripped the paper off her Poland spring bottle and began to eat it. A big piece. We're not kidding, peeps, not even a little bit.

Nominated for a Poker Chick award for smelliest train of 2007

Sunday, December 23, 2007

Yesterday, in an unfortunate accident, Poker Chick chipped a tooth. Trust us, the irony is not lost on her.

Saturday, December 22, 2007

Penniless


Nanny. Check.
Doormen. Check.
Business contacts with personal favors. Check.
Colleagues. Check.
Pediatrician's office. Check.
Kid allergist's office. Check.
Hair stylist. Check.
Therapist. Check.
Orthodondist. Check.
Anonymous kid who wrote letter to "Santa". Check.
Mini's teachers. Check.
Family and friends. Check.
Postman. Check.

Filing for "holiday spirit" induced bankruptcy: Priceless.

Thursday, December 20, 2007

Exciting News....

Braces, take two have finally come off! The saga of the teeth approaches resolution as we move on to the new (and mysterious to you) fixing plan. The light is at the end of the tunnel...hopefully before the birthday. Hooray, new smile!!!

It's not a joke, peeps....

Yes, It's True: Lynne Spears signed a deal to write a parenting book. Of course, the book was magically "delayed" just recently as both Britney and her 16-year old sister got knocked up. Despite the delay, Poker Chick wonders when can she pre-order?


Britney Spears’ mother Lynne Spears is writing a book on parenting for Christian publisher Thomas Nelson, Usmagazine.com has confirmed.

“We’ve signed her to a deal,” a spokesman for Thomas Nelson tells Us. The book, which will be coming out next Mother’s Day is titled Pop Culture Mom: A Real Story of Fame and Family in a Tabloid World.

“It’s a parenting book that’s going to have faith elements to it. I don’t think it’s totally been written yet,” says the publisher’s rep, who expects the manuscript by December.

Lynne, 52, recently reconciled with her daughter after months of estrangement (though Us reports in its new issue that the singer has recently cooled things off again). Britney, 25, cut her mother out of her life and refused to allow her to see her grandchildren after Lynne entered the singer into rehab last February against her will.

Saturday, December 15, 2007

Poker Chick was pleased to hear on the subway the other day that kids today still taunt each other with "Nanny nanny boo boo". You go kids.

Guest Post

Today Poker Chick is posting something written by a friend because it was amusing and she liked the style it was written it. Perhaps it will amuse you as well.


"I am substitute teaching in two school districts near me. I'd rather be working full time and have my own classroom but I love subbing and I love the schools I'm in. Having gone from seven years teaching in the xx city schools to the suburbs is like someone who was forced to eat moldy cheese, overripe fruit, and maybe an occaisional rice cake for 7 years. Sure it's food and you're glad you can eat and not be hungry and sometimes the overripe fruit tastes really good, or the moldy cheese is something like blue cheese so it seems to make sense, and every now and then you get a caramel flavored rice cake, but overall the food makes you sick and angry because you know that there is other really good food out there that no one will give you. And then one day you get to start eating french fries, and perfectly ripe peaches and oranges, and instead of rice cakes you can pick from oreos, and chocolate cake and even pizza! And you're wondering how you survived 7 years with moldy cheese. And you know you can never go back."

Wednesday, December 5, 2007

HAPPY CHANUKAH, EVERYONE!!!!

This year's highlights - lots of presents for the mini, surprise gifts for her mom, sufganiyot (mmm.....doughnuts....), the yummy smell of candles burning out and a weekend with latkes worked into every single meal.

Poker Chick is on Strike

Sorry, peeps, she can't even try to be funny today. Even superheroines have their kryptonite. And the past few days have been the final blow in a series of emotional disasters. Forget about one-two sucker punches. Today, in a span of less than one hour, Poker Chick had a TKO.

1) After wanting only "Daddy" for a week the mini didn't want Mommy to drop her off at school, and cried for the babysitter to pick her up instead.
2) On her way to work, Poker Chick found that despite having spent hours on the weekend working, the boss ignored it all and did it the way they wanted anyway. Nice.
3) Feeling miserable all before 9am, Poker Chick figured she could use the old standby: calling Big Boy to wish him a chag sameach. The response: "Can't talk, I'm in the middle of an important call." Of course. She tried her brother. No response. A friend. You can guess where this is going.


Bam! Every time Poker Chick tried to pick herself up, the knockouts got worse. She made it into the office feeling defeated and angry. The rest of the day unfortunately did not pick up. A couple of highlights:

Poker Chick was late to her dentist appointment. Why? After all, she tried. She left work on time. Left enough time for the bus. But she did not leave time for stupidity. So after five minutes standing in front of a building that should have been right but wasn't, she walked another block only to do the same thing. She kept scratching her head until she realized she was on 59th street and was supposed to be on 58th. What made this especially amusing was the fact that 20 minutes prior she had told a colleague that the dentist was on 58th street. Genius.

Next, our girl managed to ruin the one and only Chanukah gift she got this year. The husband had gotten a digital photo frame and spent hours loading photos and video he thought she would like. Thoughtful, right? So what happens? Five minutes trying to use it in her office and it's gone. Deleted. All photos bye bye. Ungratefulness or just plain idiocy? Who knows. It ain't good either way.

Sadly, we could go on. We could talk about the emails she got from the school moms, talking about decisions made at meetings Poker Chick could not go to. We could talk about the one nice thing PC tried to do (made a hard to get appointment for a friend) only to find out they didn't need it after all. Or we could talk about how Poker Chick was just bumped from the list for her favorite holiday party this year.

Forget instant fire or the power to fly. Poker Chick has the power of catastrophic uselessness.

Does anyone else ever feel like a completely superfluous human being?

Monday, December 3, 2007

Eye Candy

Not to be left out of rampant consumerism, Poker Chick is in love with the latest line of handbags by Marc Jacobs. Totally turnlock, washed utility - this guy's just an unbelievable genius. And the best part is his new line is 1/3 the price of the usual stuff!!! Who's sharing the excitement?!

Answer: no one. But that's okay, Poker Chick is happy to indulge in her handbag fetish alone. We're updating this entry to add another picture. Fashion consultant (a.k.a. husband) likes this bottom bag better.

Saturday, December 1, 2007

Baby got back

Poker Chick has been remiss. She hasn't posted in a while, choosing treasured sleep above all else. She will be back, trust us. For now, feel free to ponder this question:


Why would the woman in this picture (blue) say "it's so hard to find a man in New York"?


Of course it's not nice. That's what makes it funny.