Monday, June 30, 2008

Post # 201: Shoutouts to Fellow Chicks

Time for reader appreciation, which we don't do enough. June had more readers than any other month in Poker Chick history, so first shout out is to everyone reading this! (also code for: don't get snippy if you're not on this list. We still love you.)

Following is the result of a sudden urge for girlfriend appreciation...

Sophie and Gray Matter Chick for being new and loyal fans, making PC laugh, digging up trash like Phat Damon, eating Cheetos and making good use of the word "peeps". Awesome stuff.

Amy, a longer-time fan, for being a single working mom of two while still retaining her coolness. We also give props to her unwavering commitment to Hebrew School. You go, girl.

Emily for not losing our number despite two overseas moves, one constantly traveling husband, three homes, new house renovations, several rounds of preschool applications, two countries, one near-published book, two children, and one in her belly. Phew. You got all that?

K-girl (aka long-haired blondie), for her patience, friendship, silliness and crossword puzzles. Three kids and a job and the girl still can play poker like nobody's business. Bacon. Did we mention silliness? We know you're laughing chica.

S-girl for late-night giggles (yes, giggles) and phone check-ins despite living in 4 (or 5?) cities over the past few years. Also for last-minute pop-ins which are about to resume in the reverse (that's a hint, dearie. What goes around comes around :))

The "ladies who lunch" because yours truly would never have made it alive through the last 3 years and 4 months without you (not that we're counting or anything). You chicks rock, even if one of you lives in bloody Canada.

Goddess-lady for being around through thick and thin, birth and death, travels around the world and all the way to the East side. This month you get to be a Thai and Australian goddess too.

UK's wife (what other code name could we use?) for being a sister, aunt, cousin, friend all in one person. You're fabulous.

W - for being a friend, mentor, role-model, and proving that you can love your job as long as you love who you're doing it with. Also, quite funny (are we sensing a theme here?)

One final shoutout to L-girl who's getting married!!! Woo hoo! You should see the rock, peeps.

If you're all wondering wherefore this sudden emotional outburst and wherefore all women (very unusual for PC, read this for context), look thee to Sex & the City. Poker Chick just saw it last night. It was cheesy. It was cliche. She loved every minute of it.

Thursday, June 26, 2008

Insert foot in mouth....here

And this, peeps, is what turns out to be our 200th post. How fitting.
Not surprisingly, Poker Chick is clumsy with words too. Which results in a lot of cases of her foot in her mouth. Tonight's was classic.

While standing at the open door, waiting for the delivery guy to arrive with dinner, Poker Chick was asked if the dishes weren't done or if she thought the dishwasher was breaking. She stated emphatically "it's the dishwasher!"

Unfortunately, she shouted this right as she turned to greet the delivery guy.
Doh!

Your Weekly "Spam"

Poker Chick has a pretty juvenile sense of humor. For example, tonight she was baking bread and working out in her head how to knead and whether to use the breadmaker. The phrase "I need to knead..." came up a couple of times until she realized it amused her and kept repeating it. The rest of the household, not so much with the amusement. That's the point. Yours truly is notorious for cracking herself up. No one else. Just her.

So if you're not at least mildly amused by the above, you'll probably want to skip this post. But if you're an oddball too, then this series may be for you.

It's about a bunch of junk.

Junk mail. See, with top-notch spam filters most of us don't have to even look at our spam anymore. So we all just assume it's the same old "V\agra" and "you're pre-approved!" scams.
We don't realize that very recently, spam seems to have crossed the line from annoying to entertaining.

Lucky for you, you have Poker Chick to tell you what you're missing. So, until good tv returns, Poker Chick will collect amusing headlines and post them for you.

Buy generic CializViagra, Xamax and Valiun
(ah, the good ole' trick the spam servers with the mis-spellings)
A good man deserves a better life. -Time is money. Rolex watches.
(Who knew Rolex was doing viral marketing via spam?)
Put your hands up for quality's meds!
(hands up, baby hands up....)

Feel yourself more manly
(yes, baby! I can feel it!)
Your tool will be really heavy after green pill
(ok. this one just scares me.)
Would you like to be my husband?
(eeew. I don't swing that way.)
Gentlemen prefer ladies wearing Bvlgari accessories.
(Yes! A return to messaging of the 1950s! I just knew dressing to please men would come back in fashion someday!)
Dear xxx@gmail.com give your wife one a night full of love!
(Gotta give 'em props. Personalizing it makes ya look. Anyone know what "one a night" means?) Job hunting without the needed degree!
(this one's just sad 'cause you know loads of peeps are falling for this crap)
Impeccable reputation of Patek Philippe watches.
(impeccable indeed.)
Live your life, prescription-free - we are fully certified to supply medications
(this one is almost too funny to be true)
Usher and Rihanna making out
(ah, it's the old lure 'em with celebs trick)

And finally......spam of the week....

Barack Obama would be proud - Let the girls figure out how you get such a well-endowed anatomy
(omg, you have gotta be kidding me! c'mon, man. You're talking Democratic nominee for President! Like, running to lead a whole country. Have some respect. But it does make one think. If people are willing to sink this low, how come we never saw headlines like this for George W.?)

Poker husband pointed out that there was no headline from our Nigerian friend asking for money. We can only assume he got all the money he needed this week. Check back next week to see if he's back in the hole.

Tuesday, June 24, 2008

The Script if I Were a Judge on Iron Chef....

Once in a while, a girl's gotta experiment. If you know Poker Chick IRL, you could probably write most of this yourself. If not, please to be amused.

Chairman: Today's secret ingredient is.......BUTTER!!!

Mmmmmm.........butter.

Battle Butter is a tough one. Iron Chef fat guy battles fancy shmancy restaurant owner. Both literally sweat it out as they use tools you've never seen or heard before (the giant parmesan slicer! the sausage pot! the bonito flaker!) A third chef (we'll call him famous balding cook) provides color commentary.

Poker Chick watches this "frenetic culinary battle" intently, along with her fellow judges:
Mrs. Hatsushihamamama (Japanese housewife and sometime food critic who lives in Poker Chick's imagination), Fukui-san (imported commentator from Iron Chef Japan) and that dude from Queer Eye.
Finally, the moment, arrives. Poker Chick is presented with a series of small plates, each weirder than the next. She takes a fork and pokes at her
food.


"What's this?"

"This is a local delicacy where I come from. Polenta cakes on arugula, topped with pureed cow brains."


"Um, right. Where's the butter?"

"The butter is in the flavor. You have to taste it, you can't see it."

"I see. What else you got, big guy?"

"Voila, anchovies and tomato paste with mango salsa. That's a whole boiled baby quail right next to it."

"Eew!"

(Eyes stare disapprovingly on Poker Chick now)

"Where's dessert? Don't you have to make a dessert too?"

"I am sorry, there is no dessert"

"There's five courses. But there has to be dessert!!"
"I'm afraid there is not. But please, taste this butter-fried cod with lamb tongue. It's divine."
"Five courses and no dessert? But you peeps always make dessert!"

(Blank stares. Apparently, they don't always make dessert.)

"What's this?"
"First of all, I believe the word you are meaning is 'people'. Now that is a baked cheese flan with frisse greens and tomato coulis. It is in a cup made from the wax paper surrounding the butter."

"That's so friggin' cool! "

(picks up fork, clearly entertained)

"Now it was tough to pull off in an hour, but on top of what you are eating is special eel sauce. It really pulls the flavor of the butter out."

(tastes, gags, spits out)

"Phhhhttt! That's gross, right there."
"Well, I am certain you'll like my final dish. It's a butter BLT".
"Oh, that's bacon. I don't eat bacon."

Chef leaves, dejected. Challenger shows up.
"I don't suppose you made dessert either, did you?"

(chef beams)

"But I did. Butter-soaked bananas with valrhona chocolate."

"Can't eat bananas. They're icky."

Something tells me Poker Chick would not be invited back to the show. Despite what one might think, battle butter was not butterific.

A different kind of butter battle.

Sunday, June 15, 2008

One Shake With a Side of Guilt, Please

(a.k.a. allow me to get on my soapbox for a moment....)

C'mon, Poker Chick can't be the only that finds the calorie thing a total buzzkill!?

Don't we all know a large frappucino with chocolate chips, syrup and a mound of whipped cream is bad for you? Do we really need to be reminded that what we're about to consume is "wrong"? 

We realize this is all well-intentioned.  America's trying to get healthier. Hey, we're a nation of fatsos.  Poker Chick applauds the effort.  Seriously.  Salad options at Mickey D's.  Apple slices at Subway. Starbucks switching from whole to 2% milk.  It's all good.  

But the calorie thing has got to go.  The information was always available to those who cared.  But now, before you order yourself a big, cold, delicious frappucino, the fact that it'll set you back 600 calories for the day is in your face.  

Mmm....Butterfat.  Sugar.  Sodium.  Dee-lish.

No good can come of this blatant reminder. This new cashier guilt thing is akin to a dietician standing over you with a whistle while you try to eat a Snickers Bar.  There's no way you'd finish that candy.  No one could.  But, if (like most people) you're human, one of two things will happen:

1) You'll get really, really pissed at the guy with the whistle
2) You'll pretend to thank them, then scarf six Snickers bars for dinner when no one is looking

What's Poker Chick's question?  That's exactly the question! What's the point?  

Even if you say "fuck you" and order that frappucino anyway, let's be honest.  That giant sign is going to suck all the fun out of it.  

Again, all good intentions.  But America's got it all wrong.  Whoever thinks that making more people guilty about eating certain foods is the road to healthier eating is kidding themselves.   All it's going to do is reinforce our unhealthy relationship with food.  How do you think Americans got so fat in the first place?

Can't we just reduce portion size, make more healthy food available, walk more often, and save the "treats" as actual once-in-a-while, enjoyable treats?  In the meantime, let's get rid of the calorie police, peeps, and let me enjoy my damn frappucino in peace.  
    

Did Ya Know There Was a New York Outside Manhattan?

Yeah, yeah city living has a lot of drawbacks.  We hear you.  But at the same time, so many New Yorkers complain about never taking advantage of everything the city has to offer.  For one weekend, Poker Chick soaked it up pretty good.  It's possible.  

Friday night:  Mets game in Shea.  Last season before it gets torn down.  And, of course, to complete the experience, a nice long ride on the 7 train home at midnight.  Before you start to worry our inner snob has gone temporarily missing, don't worry.  We were in a box.  And Mr. Met came to visit.

Saturday:  We experimented with various ways to fend off boredom on a hot summer day in the city.  We went to a local outdoor pool.  We ran through some sprinklers.  We went inside and painted our own pottery.  (It was supposed to be an excellent last minute, but no one would know, father's day gift.  It takes 5 days for the stupid plate to glaze.  So much for the brilliant plan).  Afterwards, we got soaking wet in a series of thunderstorms, because no New York weekend would be complete without getting caught without an umbrella.  Finished off the day with Netflix.  When it costs $11 #@$*! bucks to see a movie these days, in home-viewing is the way to go.  Before you start to think this could be anywhere, it should be noted that dinner was delivered by an unbelievable local italian place.  In 10 minutes.  It took longer to pick a menu.

Sunday:  Coney Island.  Probably the first time Poker Chick had been there for personal reasons.  Pretty stereotypical things: Aquarium, Astroland Park, kiddie rides, lemon ice.  Sponge Bob Square Pants made an appearance, and the local mosquitos got to feast on Poker Chick's thigh. 
 Something for everyone.   


Saturday, June 14, 2008

Tuesday, June 10, 2008

Notes on a Storm (a.k.a. one scaredy chick)

Picture this. A quiet apartment. A child who has just (supposedly) gone to sleep. The microwave beeping that your reheated pizza is ready (I know, I know, but I was too lazy to wait for the oven).

Suddenly, you hear rattling around on the street and a crack against the window. You look out and see trees blowing in a might wind (sorry, couldn't resist). No, seriously. The trees were practically horizontal. The rattling was trash cans in the street, having been picked up and knocked over as if they were light as a feather. You peer down into the street and realize all the people are running. Let me repeat. Running. These are New Yorkers. Unless you run around yelling "Fire!" (or "crane!" these days), they ain't running for anyone, and they may even be cynical enough not to believe you then.

That cracking sound? It was wind so strong you call your husband and immediately ask if a tornado is in New York. Not that you've ever seen one. But if you did, it would probably look a lot like this.

After he pooh-pooh's your concerns and dismisses your fears as being overly dramatic (what? ME! Dramatic?), the lighting starts. This is no ordinary lighting. We're talking serious voltage here, moving straight down from the sky to the street. Faster than you can blink, it flashes. And then the thunder starts. So loud you jump and cover your ears.

Scared yet? Admit it! You would be!

Seeking validation (and ammo against the "drama queen" argument), you scour the internet for news alerts, weather radar, anything. And then you find this:

* AT 853 PM EDT...NATIONAL WEATHER SERVICE DOPPLER RADAR INDICATED A LINE OF SEVERE THUNDERSTORMS CAPABLE OF PRODUCING PENNY SIZE HAIL...AND DESTRUCTIVE WINDS (destuctive, peeps!) IN EXCESS OF 70 MPH (that's like hurricane speed). THESE STORMS WERE LOCATED ALONG A LINE EXTENDING FROM CALDWELL TO PLAINFIELD... OR ALONG A LINE EXTENDING FROM EAST HANOVER TO SOUTH PLAINFIELD... AND MOVING EAST AT 50 MPH (that's a fast moving storm, baby).
* SEVERE THUNDERSTORMS WILL BE NEAR... UNION...ORANGE...LINDEN AND BLOOMFIELD BY 905 PM... PATERSON...RUTHERFORD...PASSAIC AND NEWARK BY 910 PM... BERGENFIELD AND PARAMUS BY 915 PM... (Poker Chick reports they hit NYC at 9:13pm) IN ADDITION TO LARGE HAIL AND DAMAGING WINDS...CONTINUOUS CLOUD TO GROUND LIGHTNING (hey! did we not just describe the cloud to ground effect?) IS OCCURRING WITH THIS STORM. MOVE INDOORS IMMEDIATELY! (They said immediately! Them's serious words!) LIGHTNING IS ONE OF NATURES NUMBER ONE KILLERS. REMEMBER...IF YOU CAN HEAR THUNDER...YOU ARE CLOSE ENOUGH TO BE STRUCK BY LIGHTNING.


Okay. Did y'all read that? Now who thinks the reaction was overly dramatic? Mmmm hmmm.. We thought so.

Monday, June 9, 2008

And now, it's time for a laugh

Poker Chick continues to scour the blogosphere. This post admonishing frivolous lawsuits made her laugh out loud so maybe it will do the same for you. We're beginning to fantasize now...Poker Chick v. mean old bus lady....

How do you kiss your kids goodnight?

Note: This post is intended to be a clean and honest discussion about a common but odd parenting question. Any perverts out there that think otherwise need not respond.

All you parents out there (hopefully) kiss your kids. Where you may differ is how. Poker Chick, for example, aside from not being especially touchy-feely, is also not a mouth kisser. Cheek. Forehead. Nose. Bellybutton. All fine. But not mouth. It just feels odd to her and her parents weren't like that. As such, you peeps best not be kissing the mini on her mouth either.

With your kid, however, you can do whatever the heck you want. Some close friends of Poker Chick's do exactly that. They kiss both their boy and girl on the mouth and don't think anything of it. Now, before you pass judgement you should know these are rational, educated people and also great parents with great kids. They were raised that way and they both seem to have come out all right. If that's how they roll, who are we to judge?

Poker Chick was together with these friends the other day and it came out that they did not realize there were people out there that did not kiss their kids on the lips. Similarly, other friends in this discussion had a theory that they were also the only people they knew that did, in fact, do the kissing on the mouth thing.

Poker Chick believes that both schools exist in droves. So, peeps, speak! Take the anonymous survey (right) and let the world know!  

Saturday, June 7, 2008

People understand life with allergies?

Believe it or not, one of the ways to make Poker Chick ecstatic is to put her in the company of those that "get" living with food allergies. Want to send her over the edge? Offer her an allergy-friendly restaurant in NYC the mini can actually eat in. With great joy, we present this blog, that we just stumbled upon. Here's hoping it creates euphoria for someone else too.

Wednesday, June 4, 2008

It's gonna be a bad, bad, non-shiny day

There are some days where as soon as they start you know they're not headed anyplace good. Certain things happen and you just get that feeling where you know the sooner you can get through the day, the better. You know where we're going with this.

Today was one of those days.

It started with a shaving cut. Not a regular one either. Like, you're in the shower, then the door opens and you get distracted, and the next thing you know the weapon you're holding in your hand just cut out a nice chunk of skin on your leg. Men out there might be rolling your eyes. But when you cut your face, you don't have to rinse off soap and shampoo into the wound. Try doing that without screaming. I dare you.

30 minutes later the bleeding finally stopped long enough to get a bandage on it. The rest of the morning was somewhat routine, until the am commute. I rode the bus to use the time to return a phone call to another mommy. Ordinarily, this would make for a good day. I was actually returning a call. Organizing. Things were good.

So leave it to the old lady in the seat in front of her to turn around and say in a nasty tone "You know, that's so annoying.".

Are you f*cking kidding me? It's not like I'm talking about my big score last night or anything. I'm a working mother. This is the only time I have. Buzz off, lady.

Somehow, without giving it a second thought, I replied immediately (and loudly enough for the whole bus to hear), "Too bad. I'm not here to entertain you."

Oh no she di'int.

Oh yeah she did. Who cared? I was pissed and the bitch deserved it. Still, it meant I walked into work having already had a lousy morning.

Back to back meetings later (with a 2pm break for a PB&J sandwich that took an hour to eat as she could only take bites here and there during conference calls) and the rest of the day predictably sucked. And here I am at 9:12 pm taking a break from work to eat dinner before working again. Except I can't eat my dinner because despite ordering a HAMburger the stupid peeps brought me a CHEESEburger. Do they sound like the same thing? No. But here I sit, waiting for them to half cook a new one, spit in it, and run it on over over the course of an hour or so.

Dear g-d, please let this be as bad as it gets today.

Crap. Turns out it does, in fact, get worse.

Bed.....soon. Tomorrow can't come fast enough.

Tuesday, June 3, 2008

Search Me

Today the founders of Wikipedia launched a new search engine. Play around with user-generated search, peeps! Go ahead and search for Poker Chick. We dare you to edit any of the search results.  

Monday, June 2, 2008

It seems you peeps like a good picture

Post a few pictures and, bam! More hits in one day than ever. Clearly you want more visuals, less substance. We hear you.

Sometimes the only way to describe a trip is to show the signs

We'll start with food. Sadly, the camera ran out of battery power before we could photograph the dutch apple pie. That's a damn shame.

Mmmmm.....Dutch curry. Appel Sap. Fries.





















Later are the signs that made Poker Chick
laugh out loud, by herself, in public. Embarrassing, yes. But funny!

































The last sign on this page had Poker Chick sh*tting bricks. It took her a while, but she finally figured out that "vertraag"means "delayed". The "vertraag" ended up being over 25 minutes, which meant yours truly was running like a fiend to make her plane when she finally got to the airport. It might have been easier if they said it was "late" instead. That one would just be "laat".