Monday, January 2, 2012

5 New Year's Resolutions I will NOT be making

Inspired by my friend Theresa, the following is a list of resolutions I can't help but feel I should be committing to, yet deep down I know that pigs will fly before that happens.  Therefore, this year, instead of making resolutions like everyone else, I have decided to UNmake resolutions.  Anyone can start off a year with a self-improvement list, but starting off a new year by admitting to your limitations and getting them out of the way, well now that is the better way to go, don't you think?

Join me, will you? It's especially freeing to spend some time admitting to the various things we suck at now, thus saving us copious time and energy for focusing on doing more of the things we are brilliant at, such as mocking people and stealing friends' french fries.

2012 New Year UNresolutions:

1. Don't try to eat healthier - having tried the trendy 3-day juice cleanse in fall 2011 with disastrous efforts I think I will continue the path I have already taken of simply trying to eat more apples/grapefruits/oranges etc. and less sweets.  But only slightly less.  Because I do love those cupcakes so, and let's be honest - I'm not going to go without even if I say I will so why make myself feel guilty about it?

2. Forget about exercising more - everyone starts out the year by saying they'll exercise more.  Do you really want to start of your year being just like everyone else?  I didn't think so.  Now, I'm not saying exercise is bad.  Some of our friends even like it (ahem, Miranda, I'm talking to you here....).  And perhaps this will be the year I will find more time for this.  But to make it a goal? I'm a working mother, for crissake!  I leave home at 7:15am and any day I have the chance to put on undereye concealer on both eyes before I am out the door - it's a good one!  Adding trying to exercise to my day of juggling school drop off, umpteen work meetings, constant emergencies all day long, and finding a minute to pee - well, it just ain't gonna happen.  When I have the time, I will do it.  In the meantime I shall be perfecting my finger waving; at the very least my hand muscles will be strong!

3. Organization is for sissies - soooo many people declare that this will be the year they will finally get organized! My arch nemesis The Container Store capitalizes on this human commonality and January is one of their busiest seasons.  They work with their friends, the conspirators whose sole purpose is to make those of us lacking any domestic knowledge feel like lousy parents Real Simple Magazine to prey on people while they are vulnerable and sell them all sorts of things like mail organizers and belt organizers and useful things like toilet paper organizers, all in the name of good intentions.  They thank you for your $25, you feel good for a hot second, and then the tzotchke takes up space in your teeny apartment as you look at it day after day resolving to organize this mess of organizers you have in your home.  Not that, um, we would know anything about that sort of thing, of course. 

4. You'll never finish that to do list you never had time to make in the first place - this one is self-explanatory peeps.  Some of you will not relate, and for those of you who can - well, you know who you are.

5. Redefine "volunteer" - if I were a betting woman, I'd go ahead and say that the following phrases uttered in one's head on occasion may sound familiar to some of you:                                                                                      
"This Thanksgiving, we're taking the whole family to a soup kitchen to give thanks for what we really have"

"That's it! These kids are so spoiled! I am going to make them donate all the presents to charity. Or at least one."

"I am going to give money to a homeless shelter and alleviate my guilt at not giving to every person I walk by..."

You may be well intentioned-peeps, but making promises to yourself you know you won't keep will just make you feel guilty and actually less inclined to reach out and help someone.  So this year, I am going to re-define volunteering and try and do more of the "volunteer" activities I already try to do on a regular basis such as helping out at school, helping an elderly relative with their mail, talking to a friend who is sad, or baking pumpkin bread for a friend or neighbor just because you know they like it.

So there you have it.  5 resolutions I will NOT be making this year.  Happy un-new year to you.


Wendy said...

I've got the exercise more and be more organized resolutions on my list. I'll let you know how that goes...

becky said...

love this post!

Theresa said...

Ha! Awesome list!! Funny how many of us say the same things! Happy New Year!!

Poker Chick said...

Happy new year to you too. Wendy, let me know how that exercise thing goes. Maybe I'll do a follow up post called "5 new years resolutions you know you didn't keep" in a month or so..hahaha

Gray Matter Matters said...

Not to get all Hallmarky and shit, but I will make the resolution to reconnect with brilliant and funny writers with whom (fancy) I've shared my orbit with for SIX years! Missed you, funny lady!