The Halloween Horror Snow

New Yorkers were taken by surprise today by the first October snowstorm in the city since....well, ever.

The snow messed everything up.

Occupy Wall Street protesters were brutally reminded of the generators they had lost just one day ago but chose to stay and freeze.

Other Manhattan residents were just dumbstruck.  Had it ever snowed in October? Well, technically there was a quarter inch in 1925 but with vanity sizing and all that a quarter inch in 1925 is probably less than a tenth of an inch by today's standards anyway.

What is the reason for this bizarre weather?

Well, some people think the end of the world is upon us.  One theory is that we all died May 21 and are now in some alternate universe without knowing it.

That's one way to go.

Another theory is that while the world didn't end on May 21, a chain of events was set off that will build up to our imminent destruction. 

People who subscribe to this theory were doing giant "I told you so!" dances in August after the Gotham City was hit by an earthquake and a hurricane, in the same week.   Since then, residents have been bracing themselves for locusts and cattle sickness, as surely these must be next.

Others are saying the May 21 date is really October 21, and they too are probably doing little dances today.

These are all interesting theories.  But we have another one.

You see, none of it made sense until now.  The earthquake, hurricane, both of those were rare, mild, and technically the earthquake wasn't even anywhere near New York.  So to link this recent snowstorm, a storm that brought us thundersnow, no less, to those events is odd.  Thundersnow, peeps!  Do we have to hit you over the head?

Clearly, we must blame the Canadians.

Is it a coincidence that the bizarre October event coincides with the arrival of several friends' relatives from up North? We think not.  Is it a coincidence that just one day prior, the team that won the World Series just happened to be the one closest to Canada?  Did you think it was a coincidence that this event happened exactly one hundred forty-four years, 3 months and 29 days after Canada officially became a country? Do you not see these facts staring at you in the face?

It was only a matter of time before those mild-mannered folk up North finally realized they had twice as much land as everyone else and set out to conquer the rest of North America.

It's a genius plan, really.  First, they hit us with their freak snow and next thing you know there's Caribou all over the place and every tap in the city is filled with Molson.  Then, when we're weakened, they hit us with (gasp!) their socialist medicine and gun control laws. We must stop them before it's too late!

Betcha thought those guys were dressed up for Halloween, didn't you?

Did you not see those Royal Canadian Mounties riding around the village today?  You didn't actually think those were Halloween costumes, did you?  That's exactly what they want you to think.  They're stealth, these snow-lovers, we tell you.  Stealth.  But what else would you expect from a nation whose first official citizen was named Snorri?*

Fortunately, we're onto them.   So next time you see a whole bunch of Canadian tourists "in town" after a bizarre aberration of Mother Nature, be on guard.  We're just saying.



*You can't make this stuff up! "Snorri", born in Vinland around 1000 A.D, was the first North American child to be born of European parents (Thorfin and Gudrid).

The Games We Play to Find a School in NYC

Ahh, September.  Back to school.  Back to the madness.  And back to the season of watching people go mad as they try to find their 4 year old a school in the Gotham city.

As friends get Kindergarten applications for their little ones we were reminded of the crazy day two years ago when we took off the day after labor day just to call elementary schools.  We had two phones and two calendars going all morning, getting applications and scheduling tours, etc.  This was a deja-vu from the day three years prior to that where we found ourselves hitting redial over and over just to get nursery school applications for our then-one-year-old.  Once they were out of applications, you had no hope of getting a spot anywhere.  Needless to say the busy signal was echoing in our heads all night after that.  Even the boss was assigned three numbers to call!

The process of finding a school for your child in Manhattan is effed up to say it mildly.  It goes without saying that there are way too many applications than there are spots in most schools.  This is a given and there's not much can be done about that.

But the madness can be managed much better.  Three quarters of the craziness can be alleviated by taking out all the stressful game-playing.

Problem #1: You have to send in an application to most schools before you can even go on a tour and decide whether or not you even like the place.

First off, if one could actually tour the schools in the spring - BEFORE you have to apply, one would probably have to call a lot less schools for the applications and be able to focus more on getting to know a few.

Now, let's say you decide you like some and are even lucky enough to get into one, or get onto a school's waitlist even.


Problem #2:  You never have the information you need to make the decisions you need to make.

The timing of the whole process is flawed.

Fall before Kindergarten - Call for applications, tours, interviews

January/February - Register for zoned public school and have your child take the city gifted &  talented test

February - Independent school letters arrive; must make decision.  If you get in and you accept, DONE.  If denied/waitlisted or you really want to try for public, then go through the following madness:

March - Zoned schools send out confirmations.  If accepted, DONE.  If denied, begin Real Estate Bingo.  Start calling realtors ASAP and begin touring houses in Westchester, Long Island or New Jersey.  Do not tell friends in same boat so as to competitively keep low inventory of affordable houses for yourself.  OR...

May - Time to play Board of Ed Lottery.  Find out alternate school.  Do not have say in alternate school.  Do not get to tour alternate school.  Simply get offer for some school and make decision by end of month.  If you take it, DONE.  If the option is unacceptable, follow steps in Real Estate Bingo above OR play Board of Ed Roulette with Souped Up House Odds by taking chances that your child will not only pass Gifted & Talented exam but there will be a spot in the program you want.

It's a sad day when a sign like this will make you happy, peeps.

June - Find out results of Gifted & Talented exam.   If fail, call Realtor and shell out the extra cash because you are desperate and they know it.  If it's a pass, wait two more weeks to play Who Gets the Short Straw? and see what spots your child is offered. 

Late June - Get Gifted & Talented placement.  If acceptable, DONE.  If not, you'd better start praying to the suburban gods that they either find you a place and the will to live away from concrete or that they suck away enough children from your zoned school to hit your spot on the waitlist.  We call this game Elementary Hail Mary.

We thought people were smoking crack when they told us this, but eventually, one way or another it does work out.  Likely it never works out the way you expect, which is why therapists do so well in this city.  But for your child, eventually, they will find a school so amazing that you'll wonder why you ever considered any other option.

Which brings us to our biggest problem.

Problem #3: Parents still think they have any semblance of control over this process.  Silly parents. 

You're embarking on a process which will have you spend the next year of your life year playing games where you don't know the rules.  Your sanity is going to be tested umpteen times.  Times ten.   Good luck keeping it.  You'll need it, especially because of:

Problem #4:  No free drinks for parents

Poker Chick would like to suggest to schools that they provide some beverages during tours and interviews.  We promise everyone will be much happier.

The good news?  Everyone wins something, even if you have no idea what that is as of now.  Happy calling, peeps.  Meanwhile those of us who made it to the other side are out interviewing fortune tellers.

We know a good business opportunity when we see one is all we're saying.

And her grade is....

This past Wednesday, as her first decision as chancellor, Cathie Black decided NOT to close NYC public schools due to snow. She consulted with the mayor, the sanitation department, and (we suspect) the mayor's speechwriter's as well. The sound byte was intact. Hail NYC public schools! Hail the fact that they have closed only five times since 1978!!!

Um, excuse me? Is this supposed to be some sort of accomplishment? 9 inches of snow in Manhattan - more in the boroughs - a warning from the city and sanitation department not to travel if not necessary - and school is...open? Not even delayed? So parents have to conduct the usual morning rush in a pedestrian city and walk quickly through icy streets so they can still make it by 8:15? Perhaps she has confused the Board of education with U.S. Postal Service? (neither snow, nor ice, nor heat, nor gloom of night...)

Regardless of the reason, it's left everyone wondering about her judgment. The city got nearly a foot of snow and forced kids to travel on treacherous streets. And this benefits our mini not-yet-voting citizens how, exactly?

We must not have been the only ones thinking this was a mistake. Less than half of students actually showed up. And most of the ones that did were late.

Moreover, guess who else was absent from school that day? Cathie Black herself! Yes, peeps, she elected to spend a whole day on a press conference lauding her no-snow day decision, and postponed a planned trip to a Staten Island school. Of course, we can't really blame her. Have you seen the unplowed streets in that neighborhood?

But before we heckle "Chancellor"* Black off the stage entirely, let's give her another chance. Maybe she got some bad advice on one decision. How's she handling the real issues, like overcrowding? Well, she's got a unique solution, that's for sure.


"Could we just have some birth control for a while? It would really help us all out.”

*We say Chancellor in quotes because, well, technically this title belongs to an education adminstration who actually has a background in...um...education.

Dear subway rider....

A note...from Poker Chick:

Dear subway rider,

After years of putting up with an unnecessarily horrible subway experience, I am determined to restore civility to our commuting experience and make a ride on the Manhattan subway truly worthy of what one would expect in the "capital of the world".

So please, for the sake of your fellow riders and humanity, read Poker Chick's 5 rules to restore civility and sanity to our transit system:

1. To the unbelievably loud ipod listener: I cringe watching your eardrums disintegrate before my very eyes. Contrary to what you might think, I do not, in fact, enjoy the extremely loud hip hop music you blast. I do not feel like partying at 8:55am. Particularly when I haven't had my morning coffee.
   
2. I know this might be hard to imagine, but if a stroller is open and not folded on the subway, there might actually be a child in there. It is not a resting place for your stuff, your posse's stuff, or your elbow.
   
3. If you've asked me to move forward, and I don't, did you ever stop to think I might not be able to? I don't just stand there to block people and annoy you. Do you think I like you pressing up against me so close I can feel your sweat dripping on me? No, I would move far, far away from you if I could. So if you ask me to move, and I can't, I know this sounds crazy but it might - just might - not be the best idea to push me until I'm trampled on the floor and the elbow of the person in front of me is halfway through my diaphragm.
   
4. If there are only two seats open in the whole subway car, and people are packed like sardines, perhaps it's not the most thoughtful thing to sit down and lean forward with your legs spread open so wide we're all waiting for your pants to split. You really do not need that second seat just for your knee. We can all see you and I promise no matter what you might think *it* does not need that much room to breathe. I'm just sayin'.
   
5. The anonymity and crowding in the subway is not an excuse to lose all your manners, morals, and decency. So keep your hands to yourself, pervert. Your little whistle isn't fooling anyone.
   

Manners aren't that hard, peeps. We're not asking you to know which utensils to you use. Just to keep your not-nearly-as-lovely-as-you-think-they-smell hands, knees, elbows, and loud music to yourself.

With sincere thanks,

Poker Chick

Oh test scores - come out, come out, wherever you are!

Results will be sent home 3-4 weeks after the test, they said.

If you recall, Poker Chick has promised to chronicle the craziness of getting your kid into Kindergarten in New York so a first step: an IQ test for FOUR YEAR OLDS otherwise known as the ERB. And we were advised to have mini take it early, in the spring. So she did. 5 weeks ago. And Poker Chick is here to tell you: they lie.

You're smart readers. You've done the math, haven't you? Then you know where this rant is going. It's going to why put a mother through torture! Poker Chick is checking the site every day for those scores while simultaneously berating herself for even thinking about them since she truly believes the thought that one test on a FOUR YEAR OLD can give you any kind of idea of how smart they are is redonculous. And furthermore, while this test is needed for only every single private school in Manhattan, Poker Chick is trying to go the public route.

So here she sits, waiting for some outsider to validate her child's brilliance through a testing process she doesn't believe in and for a school she probably won't go to.

Welcome to Kindergarten in New York. It's not for the faint of heart.

What makes someone a writer?

Everyone has had to write at some point in their lives. Poems, school papers, stalker emails....
We've all been there. But most of us wouldn't identify with the term "writer". Very few people, when you ask them what they do say "I'm a writer".

When they do we are in awe. How cool, how sexy. Writers are inherently interesting and mysterious. We toil away in our cubicles and some lucky bastard gets a god-given gift they can make money out of. We are jealous. We are impressed.

We also have a stereotype in our head of a what a "real" writer is like. For example, a tall blonde with implants and the name "Bunny" - probably won't get taken seriously as a writer. It's not fair but we all do it.

For the first time in her life today, Poker Chick felt what it is like on the other side. Picture this:

FADE IN.

INT. STARBUCKS - DAY

A young woman, POKER CHICK, is waiting in a long line for her coffee. It is a rainy weekend in New York, the kind where people forego errands and stay in their apartments, deliciously reading their Sunday Times over the course of an afternoon.

In the local Starbucks, optimists buzz about in their jewelery and Sunday best, pretending the rain can never affect the tone of the day. POKER CHICK is not one of them. She has no ironed clothes, no fancy shoes. She has not even dried her hair. She has something important to do. She is dressed in the only clothes that could be respected as authentic, ripped jeans, a hooded sweatshirt, and canvas sneakers.

She observes the man standing in front of her. He is big and very masculine in his appearance.

MACHO MAN
I'd like a grande green tea latte, please. Soy milk, no foam. And a splash guard with that.

BARISTA
Excuse me?

MACHO MAN repeats himself unapologetically.

BARISTA
Yes sir. That'll be $6.95. Would you like some oatmeal with that?

POKER CHICK grins to herself in smug delight as her coffee is ready. Her task ahead is not for the faint of heart and a latte won't cut it. She grabs it along with her New York bagel and heads out in the rain with nothing but a hood for protection.

Back inside, she sits in solitary, looking at a small notebook full of scribbles that are her genius at work. She guards this carefully, despite the fact that it is illegible, lest someone steal her obviously brilliant ideas. She makes a mental note to talk to her agent about trademarking the script. She makes another mental note to go find an agent. She opens her apple computer and takes a sip of coffee.

She is a writer.

FADE OUT.

Trimming the Fat

We're going on a diet. Poker Chick is disgusted with herself these days, and how accustomed she has gotten to the excess. Sure, it's convenient. Yes, it's wonderful and luxurious to indulge. It starts out innocent enough. A little here and a little there. But you add up the little bit of carelessness each day and it's doing major damage. So, like many Americans, Poker Chick has made a resolution.

That's right. No more cabs unless it's absolutely necessary. Every day she will repeat to herself: "Public transportation is practical and economical."

It's time to put this wallet on a diet.

Getting into Kindergarten in Manhattan: a.k.a. Insanity

Loyal readers will be delighted to learn that beginning in September, Poker Chick will begin chronicling what will be a 9-month long journey that represents a unique pleasure of parents living in NYC.

That's right, peeps, she is about to venture into the hell that is figuring out where your 4-year old will go to elementary school.

It is at this point that the naive will simply assume that we are referring to Private school admissions. And the intense process of getting a kindergarten seat at one of Manhattan's elite private schools has certainly been well-documented. So no, Poker Chick is not set out to tell people more of the same. Any Manhattan parent considering private school knows without a doubt the nightmare that they are about to embark on.

No, peeps. We're talking about public school. You see, like many, Poker Chick paid a premium to own a home zoned for an excellent elementary school. She sighed a sigh of relief, knowing this would buy her a few years of free education, and a ticket out of the private school madness should she so choose.

Poor, poor, ignorant Poker Chick. Little did she know that the basic right of an education for your child in your neighborhood does not apply to Manhattan.

According to this article in the NY Times last week, approximately 30% of people who registered for some Upper East Side public schools were put on a wait list. A wait list. As in might not go. Thirty percent, peeps. Consider for a moment the sheer shock of this fact.

So, short of moving to the suburbs, what's a parent to do? See if you can follow the options:

1) Register for your public school and hope. Of course, the deadline for registration changes every year. And it's poorly communicated. And if you miss it you're screwed. But in theory, that is the easy route.

2) Take a state-administered "IQ" test. Relax knowing your child's entire academic destiny rests on how good a mood they are in one afternoon and whether or not they feel like talking to the "tester". If they deem your child "brighter" than 90% of other Manhattan preschoolers, and you are interested, the city has gifted and talented classes within certain schools. Of course, it's only a few. And these schools are nowhere near where you live. And even if you get in you won't necessarily get into your first choice, it might be another, and because there's such a wide range of schools in Manhattan this school may be a hell of a lot worse than the school that's right across the street for you. So there's that.

3) If your child is "brighter" than 96, 97, 98 or 99% of their peers*, one might be lucky enough to be invited to apply to one or more three citywide gifted & talented schools. Three separate programs. Sometimes, they all use one test for cutoffs. Sometimes they use different ones. And - you guessed it - it's different every year. And even after all this more students qualify than they have spots for. So even if you get past all this you have to be lucky enough to be selected at random among these. And who knows which you'll get into. But hey, it's not like they are really different from each other or anything (Note sarcastic tone).

Luckily, you can learn all this on tours of these schools in the fall. That is, if you are lucky enough to call at the exact moment and get one.

3) There is a separate school that is outside of the system but still technically public. This involves a several-hundred dollar psychological assessment, an entirely different screening process including interviews, and of course - entirely different due dates than any of the other options above. Oh, and did we mention several thousand applications for a handful of spots?

4) One can apply for an exception, where you try to get into a public school in your district but not zone. So, afraid of your kid being bussed off to who knows where in September if you don't get into your school, you can try for the one four blocks away that's just as good. This requires a great deal of creativity as you must come up with a reason to justify such an exception. It was a more common practice years ago, but this route is now typically reserved for adrenaline junkies who think they can beat the 1,000,000 to one odds of success and who don't mind the stress of wasting their time in this fashion.

4) There's always private school. Cough up $35,000 or more a year not including books, after school programs and camp, and you can swap all this stress for the different stress of impressing the right people to get your kid in. Then again, at least all those schools have the same dates and all go by one test.

Now, how many think that at the end of this 9 months you can relax? One nightmare of a year and you're done for years, right?

Well that depends. Some schools go through 5th grade and there are far fewer middle schools you might like, not to mention private school has very few spots at that age group. So 5th grade is often the year that sends parents running for the 'burbs. But some of these schools go through 7th grade. One goes through 8th. Another all the way through 12th. But as they say, you never know. You may get lucky! You may win the crap shoot!

And there you have it. The insanely stressful and competitive process for getting your Manhattan 4-year old into PUBLIC school.

As so, Poker Chick is sending out a request to all brilliant math minds out there. If your odds of getting shut out of your school are 30%, and your odds of getting into special school x are 10%, and your odds of getting into special school y are 2%, and your odds of getting into one other amazing school are greater than accidentally finding a frog in your breakfast cereal, what are the odds of getting a desirable kindergarten spot altogether?

This, peeps, is the million dollar question. Welcome to New York.
*Percentage cutoff points are unclear and seems to vary each year. And possibly by school. Of course it does.

Wake Up And Smell the Fenugreek Seeds!!

Poker Chick is not sure which is more upsetting, the fact that this is national news, or the fact that it was on the front page of CNN.com. Regardless, it's still kind of funny. And it's not even satire.

NEW YORK (CNN) -- The source of a mysterious maple syrup-like smell that has periodically blanketed New York is not a particularly aromatic pancake house but a New Jersey factory involved in the processing of fenugreek seeds, Mayor Michael Bloomberg announced Thursday.

The source of New York's sweet-smelling aroma has been identified as a food-flavoring firm in New Jersey.

The sweet aroma first descended upon Manhattan and northern New Jersey in October 2005, initially triggering several building evacuations as well as concern the scent was physically harmful. Authorities from the Office of Emergency Management soon concluded it posed no danger to the public.
The odor made several return appearances in subsequent years, each time confounding nostrils before vanishing as perplexingly as it arrived.
Comparing information about local wind speed, wind direction and air humidity against the locations of citizen complaints about the smell, officials from the city's Department of Environmental Protection narrowed down the potential source to four factories in northern New Jersey that produce food additives and fragrances.
Last week, when several dozen residents of Upper Manhattan called to complain about the smell, the environmental department, having developed a new evidence gathering procedure, gathered air samples from each suspected source in canisters. Tests revealed the pungent perpetrator of that incident was a Hudson County facility owned by Frutorom, a company that develops and manufactures flavors for the food, fragrance and pharmaceutical industries.
The specific chemical agents responsible for the scent are esters, compounds "created by the reaction between an alcohol and an acid" during the processing of fenugreek seeds, according to Bloomberg.
Toasted fenugreek seeds are often used in the production of artificial syrups and in the cuisines of a number of cultures.
The mayor said New Jersey officials, who cooperated with New York in the investigation, had concluded that Frutorom had not violated any rules. He said New Yorkers will have to tolerate the syrup smell's occasional return, noting that it's a relatively benign odor.
"All things considered I can think of a lot of things worse than maple syrup," he said.

.....Barracuda!!!!

So Morimoto was crazy. The entrance to the restaurant looks like this:

Inside, it's like a giant old warehouse or something - kind of like a very modern and clean Iron Chef set, except you see at least a dozen sushi chefs working at the bar when you go in.

We had this waiter "host" us all night throughout our 10 or so different courses. He gave Poker Chick some sake, which she liked so much she actually wanted more sake instead of dessert. If you know Poker Chick and her love of all things dessert, that must have been some damn good sake.

He also had to explain the menu, particularly some of the weirder items like "blowfish: prepared three ways" (minus the killer poison), etc. And though she steered clear of that one, after a lengthy conversation as to whether or not they have fins and scales or not, she had a go at some Barracuda sashimi, fully expecting to wince and think it was weird. Shockingly, it was good.

Actually, everything was amazing. This was the first appetizer:
In case you missed it, that's tuna tartare with seven different toppings you "roll" it into. Tasty and fun! We would have taken more pictures, but we didn't want to be labeled as "hey!" "look at those cheesy tourists over there! never been to a celebrity/chef restaurant before!" Nuh-uh, we don't think so. Poker Chick likes to play it cool.

To top off a royally bizarre eating experience, Poker Chick was driven home by this guy, who proceeded to tell her the day she was born, followed by a joke, in Hebrew.

The oddest part of the day? We got a reservation the same day at this place. And another New York tradition bites the recession dust.

Thoughts from the Sanctuary, Part II*

a.k.a. "They flocked like sheep..."

You're supposed to confess on Yom Kippur, holiest day of the year for us members of the tribe. You're supposed to lay it all out on the table, evil thoughts and whatnot, and forgive others so you can move forward in peace and all that blah blah.

Yeah, yeah. Poker chick was guilty of cynicism last year. She'll work on this. Really, she will.

But in the meantime, she's betting that many of you reading this shared similarly sacreligious thoughts. C'mon, 'fess up! You know you'll feel better. Then read this, so you can relax knowing others are even more deranged than you are.

Kol Nidre. It's the service that starts the holiday. Even the once-a-year Jews are there, meaning the temple is more packed during this one service than it will be any other time during the year.

Now as with many other things, the experience is uniquely intensified in New York. If you want to attend a Kol Nidre service, here's what you have to do:

1) Line up with hundreds of other people in suits in the special tents that take over any sidewalk space touching the temple. Walk slowly around the red velvet dividers as if you're waiting to ride Space Mountain. Watch laypeople stare at this sight with amusement. Make growly faces at them.

2) Go through the first set of NYPD officers. Pass.

3) Get to temple volunteers. Show tickets for everyone. Pass.

4) Go through the next round of security. Private security guards with those cool secret service earthingies. Open your pockets, bags, diaper bags for full inspection. Pass.

5) Get your seat. Fidget endlesslessly as there is less legroom than even economy class seats.

Eventually, the service begins - and somehow on time. This is when you're supposed to pay attention. This is also when your mind starts wandering.

"Wow, I wonder how many people are in this room! It's gotta be a thousand or more!"

"What's with the cello? I thought the cantor was supposed to sing this portion?"

(counting heads): "One, two, three, four......"

"I can't believe I didn't make the cake yet. 15 people coming for Break the Fast tomorrow and I'm going to have to cook while fasting. Again. Hey G-D, can you help me to plan in advance next year? Hey! That's one thing I can work on! Look at that, I'm already paying attention!"

"Eighteen, Nineteen, Twenty....."

Tire of cantor's repitition and flip through the pages to see how much longer is left for tonight.

"Three hundred seventy-eight, three hundred seventy-nine, three hundred eighty...."

"I'm so thirsty. How am I not going to drink until tomorrow night? How did I do this before? How does everyone else look so calm? Aren't they thirsty?"

"Seriously. What's with the cello? What happened to not being allowed to not play this stuff on the Sabbath?"

"My head hurts. Oh cr*p, what if it becomes a bad headache? Do I take tylenol? How much water can I sip with tylenol before feeling guilty? What do the books say on that?"

"What the heck does Superman have to do with Yom Kippur?" (sermon reference)

"What are those people doing? They keep moving around. You're supposed to be paying attention, peeps!"

Pause to note irony of criticizing others in your head while struggling to pay attention yourself. Make mental note to atone for this tomorrow.

"Nine hundred one, Nine hundred two, Nine hundred three"

"Cr*p. I lost count. One, two, three...."

Finally, it's time to go home. As you wade through the NYPD officers blockading the building once more, you try to decide whether this massive police presence is comforting or creepy. After all, NYC is full of Jews. Is this really necessary?

Then you do the math:

1,000 Jews in one room + NYC location = Bin Laden's wet dream.

Guess we'll go with comforting after all. Thanks, NYPD. Keep up the good Jew-herding work!


*Click here to read Part I.

Is Parenting This Tiring For Everyone?

Poker Chick just realized that she literally did not sit down once between 1pm and 6:30pm today. And most of that time was walking errands too. Now, in NYC, "errands" or "shopping" means walking 4 miles (total, over the course of the day) while holding a 34 lb. child and pushing a stroller, often at the same time, and somehow balancing this with purchases made on said errands. Now imagine this kind of day on the Sunday after you had your special Saturday two-hour nonstop pilates marathon.

Ow. Cannot....move. Ow.

Interestingly enough, while getting a pedicure from 9:30-10:30am this morning (her only free time today), Poker Chick read that 75 minutes of pilates burns 500 calories.


So...120 minutes of pilates + 4 miles of walking, plus carrying bags + carrying a 34-lb. child and/or 11-lb. stroller = how many calories? Who knows. This chick is waaaay too sore to do math right now.

Notes on a Storm (a.k.a. one scaredy chick)

Picture this. A quiet apartment. A child who has just (supposedly) gone to sleep. The microwave beeping that your reheated pizza is ready (I know, I know, but I was too lazy to wait for the oven).

Suddenly, you hear rattling around on the street and a crack against the window. You look out and see trees blowing in a might wind (sorry, couldn't resist). No, seriously. The trees were practically horizontal. The rattling was trash cans in the street, having been picked up and knocked over as if they were light as a feather. You peer down into the street and realize all the people are running. Let me repeat. Running. These are New Yorkers. Unless you run around yelling "Fire!" (or "crane!" these days), they ain't running for anyone, and they may even be cynical enough not to believe you then.

That cracking sound? It was wind so strong you call your husband and immediately ask if a tornado is in New York. Not that you've ever seen one. But if you did, it would probably look a lot like this.

After he pooh-pooh's your concerns and dismisses your fears as being overly dramatic (what? ME! Dramatic?), the lighting starts. This is no ordinary lighting. We're talking serious voltage here, moving straight down from the sky to the street. Faster than you can blink, it flashes. And then the thunder starts. So loud you jump and cover your ears.

Scared yet? Admit it! You would be!

Seeking validation (and ammo against the "drama queen" argument), you scour the internet for news alerts, weather radar, anything. And then you find this:

* AT 853 PM EDT...NATIONAL WEATHER SERVICE DOPPLER RADAR INDICATED A LINE OF SEVERE THUNDERSTORMS CAPABLE OF PRODUCING PENNY SIZE HAIL...AND DESTRUCTIVE WINDS (destuctive, peeps!) IN EXCESS OF 70 MPH (that's like hurricane speed). THESE STORMS WERE LOCATED ALONG A LINE EXTENDING FROM CALDWELL TO PLAINFIELD... OR ALONG A LINE EXTENDING FROM EAST HANOVER TO SOUTH PLAINFIELD... AND MOVING EAST AT 50 MPH (that's a fast moving storm, baby).
* SEVERE THUNDERSTORMS WILL BE NEAR... UNION...ORANGE...LINDEN AND BLOOMFIELD BY 905 PM... PATERSON...RUTHERFORD...PASSAIC AND NEWARK BY 910 PM... BERGENFIELD AND PARAMUS BY 915 PM... (Poker Chick reports they hit NYC at 9:13pm) IN ADDITION TO LARGE HAIL AND DAMAGING WINDS...CONTINUOUS CLOUD TO GROUND LIGHTNING (hey! did we not just describe the cloud to ground effect?) IS OCCURRING WITH THIS STORM. MOVE INDOORS IMMEDIATELY! (They said immediately! Them's serious words!) LIGHTNING IS ONE OF NATURES NUMBER ONE KILLERS. REMEMBER...IF YOU CAN HEAR THUNDER...YOU ARE CLOSE ENOUGH TO BE STRUCK BY LIGHTNING.


Okay. Did y'all read that? Now who thinks the reaction was overly dramatic? Mmmm hmmm.. We thought so.