Bizarre Travel, Part Two

Though there's no way it can live up to the hype after all this time, here is Part two of the travel story. Click here to read Part One.

We know the current state of airline travel in the U.S. is poor. But there's delays and there's bad luck. And then there's traveling with Poker Chick. If you've read her stories in the past, or even just Part one of this series, we think you'll agree she's surpassed bad luck here. We don't know what that's called, but it definitely warrants its own category. If she were in Vegas there'd be odds on this. We're sure of it.

The flight home was a bit stressful. Poker Chick had a family emergency and was deciding whether or not to take a redeye home. But she stuck with her plans as she was flying with an old and close friend. Ironically, her friend (who was going to a wedding), could not sleep and wanted to go standby on an earlier flight. But she passed so she could fly with Poker Chick. Poor thing did not know what she was in for (we love you wegray!)

It started out innocently enough. Left the gate on time. Taxied a bit. Captain got on and told evereyone there would be the usual La Guardia traffic delay but that they'd make up the time. And then...the plane stopped moving. No big deal, maintenance issue. A small one, captain was just going back to the gate to get a new part and he knew exactly what it was. Poker Chick looked around the half-empty plane and had a feeling this was not good.

Not surprisingly, the part was either not produced or just completely falsified. Either way, all got booted from the plane. They tried to get on the next flight standby. No such luck. A while later, the airline found a new plane. That plane finally left the gate and took off. About 2 1/2 hours after scheduled take off time.


Lessons learned for any peeps reading:

1. Don't check luggage (in case you haven't learned that already)
2. Bring snacks. Because even with a 2 1/2 hour delay, a half hour for boarding and 5 hour flight they still won't feed you.
3. Bring extra underwear. You never know when you might unexpectedly take a detour for a couple of days.

Bizarre Travel, Part One

In case this is not obvious, this is part one of a two-part serious. The second part will come at the end of the trip, in case that is not obvious as well.

Poker Chick's on the road again, this time cutting her weekend short to travel. She was sick all weekend which always makes flying more interesting (note to other travelers: Airborne may be a taboo subject these days, but Emergen-C seriously does make you feel better pretty quickly!)

She checks in and proceeds to walk what seems like three miles to her gate. She's tired with the usual security drill. Take off coat, take off shoes, take off sweater around your waist. Take out computer, put two bags on track, take out your "potions". Poker Chick always hates this part because you have about one minute to do all this before people start yelling at you for holding up the line. You know what, peeps? It's impossible to do that fast. People need to chill.

She's putting her shoes back on when some security lady yells at her to take all her stuff away from the belt and get together there. Great, lady. Except she's traveling alone and with no hands free to carry her shoes she needs to put them on before picking everything else up and moving. Do people not understand this? It's important to note Poker Chick did not say this out loud, merely said she was doing her best and would move shortly. She said it quite nicely.

Now here's where it gets interesting. Poker Chick walks over to get together the rest of her stuff and gets pulled aside by "behavioral interrogators". Did you know these existed? Poker Chick did not. Apparently they observe people in security and pull out potential threats for special examination. So if you're carrying a big backpack around your waist and looking like a nervous would-be terrorist, they're suspicious. This "interrogator" was the same guy who was watching people in line before security, making jokes and witty comments which people (including yours truly) were bantering back to (is that english)?

It didn't help that Poker Chick thought they were joking at first. Seriously, she's never heard of these, but it is somewhat comforting to know our security is more comprehensive than we think. At some point she realized this was no joke and looked at the man and said "wow, you're actually serious?!" Unbelievable. In case you think Poker Chick exaggerates, you can read about "Behavior Detection Officers" here. Did anyone else know about these people?

We all know Poker Chick has a tendency to put her foot in her mouth. But this time, honestly, peeps, she has no idea what wrong answer landed her there.

Now back at the plane, we'll save you the long story and give you the short one: two hours after taxi-ing away from the gate the plane was back at the gate. Emergency vehicles surrounded the plane to help an alleged sick flight attendant and get a new one on board. At the same time, they boarded extra passengers. Hmmm......

Guns and cockroaches...

You know what that means....Poker Chick is on the road again. Here's the latest adventures.

Tuesday
Poker Chick arrives at the airport at 4pm for a 5pm flight. She checks in and is told with a smile she's "confirmed for the 8:30pm". Excuse me? Some investigation turned up the 5pm had been cancelled. Uh, thanks for the heads'-up US Airways. Not. But hey, there's a 6pm on another airline with room. So they could move her right? Wrong. They admitted they could. Then they said they wouldn't. Their excuse? She had no connections and therefore they were getting her there within a fair amount of time. She's not sure what made her day more, the $10 coupon they gave her for dinner at the food court or the cockroach sitting on the chair next to her at LaGuardia.

Wednesday
Out on business in a small city. With a surprising free hour on her hands, she walks to the mall to buy a guilt gift for the mini. She passes a convention center on the way. There seems to be quite a show going on. People from all over the country. Busloads of people, kids too. What was it? An exciting gun show!!! Yes, peeps, that's right. There's nothing like a good gun show to put you in the mood for being a good, calm and responsible human being. OK, well technically it was an archery hunting show. But those "lethal and silent" products they were advertising weren't exactly the bows and arrows from summer camp.

Poker Chick could hardly contain her excitement. This people-watching opportunity was too good to pass up. She got herself a pass (uh government, it was too easy!) and walked in with her mouth wide open when she saw the first big table near the entrance: THE BAR.

Yep. Drinking makes for better hunting. Didn't you know?

Poker Chick was exceptionally glad to see that people are exercising their "right to bear arms" while taking every possible precaution against civilian casualties. Freedom for products like the "buck bomb" and others that were "lethal but silent" is so important. It was also nice to see the children there, knowing that they, too, could learn how to hunt responsibly while successfully holding on to their beer bottles. And names like "license to steal" and "doinker" help make learning fun. And these lessons are awfully important. After all, these children are our future.

Friday
Wrapping up another fun-filled trip, yours truly got an urgent call interrupting her meeting. Yep, you guessed it, her flight home had been cancelled.

Don't you just wish you could hit the road with Poker Chick?

Personal Space Invaders

Travel insanity continues. If you're new to the blog, click on the links to read about previous adventures of planes, trains and buses.
The most recent insanity: a 1.5 plane ride that was delayed 2.5 hours, followed by a 1 hour wait in line for a taxi home to go just a few miles. Someone has got to do something about LaGuardia delays!

Travel issues aside, Poker Chick needs your advice! She seems to be a magnet for people with no concept of personal space and she can't stand it anymore. She's asking readers to help her with an appropriate yet clear comment to get these people to stop. The default "get out of my ass!" she's dying to scream is probably not her best bet in reality.

Anyone out there with a little more tact?

*Can't read the comic? Click here for a clearer read.

Hit the Road, Chick (Updated Aug. 26)

Poker Chick is exhausted. Four flights in five days for work. The state of air travel these days is so beyond abhorrent, it's not even funny. In general, she's tired of walking through airport security barefoot. She's tired of being talked to by strange people next to her and offered half-eaten sandwiches and half-drunk bloody mary's. Note to travelers: Poker Chick isn't really sleeping. She just doesn't really care to hear more about cousin Flo's wedding or the massive bachelor party you're planning at age 50. Yeah, you're cool. Now leave Poker Chick alone.
NYC - Chicago
8am Monday. At the airport by 6:15 am, only to find out that both the 7am and the 8am flights have been cancelled. The airport is in a state of chaos. Poker Chick has two options: leave at 4pm (waaay too late), or get on the hour-long line to try and get another ticket, or standy on another flight. Poker Chick calls her travel agent three separate times while online and Blackberries 3 different colleagues. Finally, she finds out a better option than five standby flights on United she stands no chance of getting on (100+people waiting): a couple of American flights. She puts a seat on hold and finally makes it to the United counter. They need to "endorse" the ticket to another airline so she doesn't have to pay an additional full fare (yikes!!). Success!! Oh wait, it's not a ticket, just a voucher. She needs to wait on the American line (2+ hours) for an American ticket.

9:30am. Poker chick has been standing on some sort of line for 3 hours. She's hungry, tired, dizzy, and needs to pee. The situation sucks!! Finally she makes it to the American counter. Her travel agent just reserved a seat for ther on the 10:15. No, they say. She's only on standby.

10:00am. Poker Chick checks her voicemail at work. Message at 8:01am from an automated voice ("This is United with an important message. Your flight itinerary has changed due to a [cancellation] ....)

WTF, people?

Chicago - Philadelphia
The flight is delayed for 2 hours. Fortunately, Poker Chick gets a heads'-up this time. The flight actually does take off 2 hours late. 30 minutes past landing time, everyone aboard is wondering why we've been circling Philadelphia for the past 45 minutes at the same altitude.....

Philadelphia - Phoenix
United flight with no information otherwise. Check in at the United counter at 6:45 am, only to get the message that it's a US Air codeshare, and the US Air terminal is outside and a little walk away. Perhaps that information might have been helpful a bit sooner. Also, a special shoutout to the three burly men that spent 10 minutes watching Poker Chick struggle with an overhead bin mid-flight. Not only was her laptop not in that bin after all, but it was one of their suitcases that didn't really fit and gave her such a hard time closing it again. A little help here, a$$holes?!

On a pleasant note, the flight arrived only 6 minutes late. Another pleasant note, this facility is currently ordering dinner for us from the Cheesecake Factory. Mmm.....

Phoenix - New Jersey
Well here's the nail-biting finale. Poker Chick's flight was scheduled to leave for Newark at 4pm Phoenix time. However a glance at the "arrival" screen showed that the plane due to land at her gate at 3:15 was delayed until 5:30. Therefore her flight must be delayed at least 2 hours, even though they weren't saying so. Poker Chick proved to be right when she interrogated a gate agent who was forced to admit the truth. How did this help? Well, it allowed Poker Chick to leave her teeny tiny airport terminal and get a halfway decent dinner in the meantime. (Chili's. Decent burger. But positively gourmet compared to the two-day old sandwiches she left behind). Though she had to go back to security to make her flight, there was no line at that time. How did she know this would happen? A little chit-chat with the security guy on her way out taught her that there were no late night flights, so everyone would have already gone through security by 5pm. (They were right, by the way. She's never gotten through those x-ray things so fast). Finally at the gate, she noticed it was 5:20 and the plane still hadn't arrived. So she opened her computer and updated this here blog (another tip from security guy: wireless signal best at gate 6). She looked around her and saw hundreds of frustrated passengers. They had been waiting for hours only to keep getting more delayed. Finally, the plane arrived and everyone boarded at 6pm. Poker Chick boarded the plane feeling like a champ. Everyone else was hungry and cranky, but not her! Her brilliant travel skills got her a hot meal, inside information, priority baggage handling, and a window seat with no one next to her. She enjoyed a comfortable flight filled with arm space, naps, and toblerone. But then she got brought down to earth. After landing she watched passenger after passenger headed home with relief. It was past 2am. Everyone was exhausted. And this is when Poker Chick learned that her car wasn't showing up.

So, the moral of the story? You could be a superhero for all they care. At the end of the day, the airlines always get the last laugh. There's no winning at this game, people. Don't even try.