It's May, and you know what that means. Oh wait, you don't.

It's a bit early for a Mother's Day post, but then again what better way to differentiate oneself! And yes, we realize this is strange written in the third person. No one's forcing you to read, is all we're sayin'.

Today is May.

First, you're welcome for sharing what we're sure is surprising news to y'all.

But second, we'd like to spend a few serious moments describing what May means to us as May will forever be inextricably linked to Mother's day.  See, we lost our own in early May. We remember the day she died. The day before she died. The cruelly beautiful and sunny Sunday that we tossed a shovelful of dirt into the ground. The cruel irony of burying her on the special day we had previously dedicated to the joy of drinking tequila. Sacrilege! And then, one week later, Mother's Day, which seemed at the time to be an unbearable punishment from the universe. 

Still, at the same time, it also seemed an appropriate time to symbolically acknowledge this loss. For that reason, we chose to unveil her tombstone on Mother's Day. That was one year later, one month past the official 11-month Jewish morning period, and though the constant, overwhelming grief had subsided, the intensity had not, and we recall wondering just how much longer that would take. 11 months was not enough. Who were these "forefathers" kidding? And while we were at it - why 11, specifically? Why not 6, or 12, or even 13, which is always a favorite number in Judaism? We couldn't help think that 11 was such an arbitrary number. Did they know something we didn't? Or were they just full of it, making it up as they went along - like the rest of us. Or - what if we were the stupid ones, what if we misinterpreted it and it was suppose to be years, not months?

2013: The Year of the Month-Long Purim

Perhaps it's just us, but does Purim seem to have gotten hopped up on steroids this year?

The holiday is one day, yet it seems to have gone on forever.  In fact, the holiday has barely started and we're already Purim'd out.  How'd that happen?

We have some theories.



Exhibit One: Purim Carnivals going on for weeks.

For some reason, this is the year several people decided to hold Purim festivities on alternate dates in order to boost attendance.  After all, it's impossible to attend your school, synagogue, and local community center carnival all in one day!  So for practical purposes the dates were sandwiched before and after the holiday.  Of course, with Purim being redonculously early this year, the alternate dates fell over winter break, meaning no one would be around to celebrate, rendering the alternate date futile.  The solution? Push it back earlier.  The result?  Purim carnivals scattered from Feb 10th all the way to March 3rd.

Exhibit Two: Purim is super trendy this year.

For some reason, Purim was a hot topic this year.  Maybe it was the explosion of social media, generating Jew-envy amongst those forced to look at droolworthy picture after picture of hamentaschen on Pinterest.  Maybe it was the party and celebration invites being spread like wildfire.   Or maybe it was the intersection of Purim's relevance to current sentiments and values in our culture, inspiring articles such as Why I like Purim as a Queer, Secular Jew and this book on Jewish superheroes.  Regardless of the reason, you know it's trendy when secular entities like Bed & Bath and Slate are tweeting hamentaschen recipes.

Eclectic hamentaschen photos swept Facebook and Pinterest this year

#Purim was also hot topic on Twitter this year, with tweets every minute from all over the world.

We wonder if all the people tweeting this photo for #Purim even know who Haman was

Exhibit Three:  Increasing number of friends with children + Quality education in Jewish preschools + waitlists in public schools everywhere = more Purim costumes than ever before.

'Nuff said on that one.

What we'll be stylin' on Purim this year.  

So, to sum up, like the torture we endure when Christmas tzotchkes get put out before Halloween has even ended, Purim seems to be going the way of overkill as well.  We have to wonder, at what point does the holiday start to lose its impact?  That would be truly a shame, because it really is a great holiday.

Mini once asked us why we don't celebrate birthdays every day.  It would make every day special!  Or would it......

Simple, amateur hamantaschen.  Just right.

Happy Purim, peeps.  But not too happy, if you know what we mean.

The Schizophrenic Jew

As we made our Kosher for Passover meatloaf in a pan previously used to prepare a very dairy and wheaty zucchini cornbread just one week ago, it occurred to us that while American Jews are offered a variety of categories to self-identify with, as a culture we are sorely lacking a category for the "Schizophrenic Jew".

The above is a perfect example of the schizophrenia which we refer to.  Generally speaking, if you're keeping Kosher for Passover to the point of switching to Temp-Tee cream cheese for a week, you'll have a separate pan for Passover cooking.  Or at the very least have separate dishes for meat and dairy.  Obviously that was not the case in this example, which we shall refer to as "Proof point number one".

If you only consume this if it's Kosher for Passover, you might be a Schizophrenic Jew

 

What else makes one a Schizophrenic Jew? Many contradictions.  Perhaps you speak Hebrew but can barely read and write.  Perhaps you are currently affiliated with a Reform Synagogue despite an upbringing in a traditional Conservative one, as well as an Egalitarian Conservative one, plus stints in a Modern Orthodox shul abroad, and time spent with friends in a Reconstructionist one.*

The Schizophrenic Jew defines "Kosher" really loosely.  While it's more than just a kind of salt, it doesn't extend much further beyond avoiding pigs and shrimp.  Often it involves avoiding cheeseburgers, but waiting until the plain burger is finished and swallowed before drinking the milkshake.  This Jew may live a 100% secular life, having never observed Shabbat, yet makes a conscious effort to check work email more on Sunday vs. Saturday.

The Schizophrenic Jew may have one Seder or two, depending on how Israeli they want to declare themselves on any given year.  They may know all the "laws" in general yet pick and choose what to follow, and even within those that are chosen they can be changed when it's convenient, which brings us to "Proof point number two".  In this example, the subject in question searched all over for the cranberry sauce without corn syrup yet when eating an omelet at a diner did not ask what kind of oil it was cooked in, deciding to live in the delight of the "don't ask, don't tell" policy at that moment due to extreme hunger.

There are many other varieties of Schizophrenic Jews, but the easiest way to spot one is to ask what their religious affiliation is.  If the response you get is "I have no fucking idea," you know you've found a bona fide Schizophrenic Jew. 

Now, we've given you two double-blind randomized trials of American Jews behaving oddly in the absence of a way to identify with their Judaism.  Isn't it high time we legitimize this phenomena and give these peeps a community of their own? 

As always, you heard it here first.   Happy Passover, peeps.

*Hypothetically speaking, of course. 

A Toast To 2012: The Year That Won't Suck

In thinking about our last post of the year, we struggled a lot with how to characterize 2011.

On the one hand, we could simply title this post: "Good riddance crappy 2011, hello 2012!" The end of the year is a time to take stock as all the "Best albums/fashion/dirty politicians/etc. of 2011" lists in the media remind us, and the only thing we're taking stock of this year is that if we ever have to go through another year like this past one we'll never make it.

New York has a population of over 9 million yet the city can sometimes be one of the loneliest places in the world. It's not a city with a built-in community. You have to find your own community, your own niche, and in a city with so many things going on that is easier said than done. And, if like most New Yorkers, you work 50+ hours a week, you barely have enough energy to go on seamless web and order your dinner, much less try and go out and talk to your neighbor. It's a sad cliche in life that you learn who your real friends are (or aren't) during tough times, and this year sadly re-proved that to be true. So as we take stock of things we cannot elaborate on: the disappointments, multiple near-nervous breakdowns, and lost friendships, we pause to observe that living in a city of 9 million strangers doesn't necessarily help with that. When you struggle you struggle alone.

But nothing is entirely black and white so to say last year was "crap" and leave it at that would leave many other things unacknowledged. This was also the year of our first writing successes. The year mini learned how to ride a bike and tie her shoes. And while we had our backs turned it was also the year mini evolved from an innocent young person to a toothless and beautiful young girl, fully immersed in the journey that is middle childhood.

And the loneliness? Turns out that despite living amongst so many strangers, sometimes New York can also feel like a small town. The school mini attends? A brand new community for both her and her mother. The neighbor who was a stranger? A fellow alum from University. The lady at the haircut place who needed a door opened? A friend whose children went to school with your friend's child. The lady on the bus? A friend's mother. The runner you walked by on the street? Your child's piano teacher. The creepy stranger at the coffee shop? A friend of a friend from abroad. And so it continues...

So while we are tempted to talk about all the things we hated about 2011, the light at the end of the tunnel is but 12 hours away.

How will we begin 2012? Reminding ourselves that "hey, you still have your health" as we relish in the soreness that comes from celebrating our muscles in exercise class this week. Enjoying the peaceful feeling that accompanies watching a child sleep. Sipping champagne, surrounded by friends, hopefully dancing our @ss off. Feeling gratitude for both old friends that have been a part of our lives and new friends that have come into it. And excited about the adventure and possibilities that lie ahead in 2012.

Happy Chanukah. Did you just make that gelt from scratch?

One could call it dedication.  Wanting our daughter to have a bag of foil-wrapped chocolates like her friends in school tomorrow, we made some. 

However, one could also call it desperation.  Despite knowing that Chanukah was coming for weeks, and that her school would give out gelt, we did not order the safe chocolate in time to arrive for the party.  Of course, the party is a day earlier than we thought, but that's even worse. We write about allergies and planning for school celebrations all the time; we talk the talk but can't walk the walk?

So when school called asking what she would eat, we panicked.  Suddenly it dawned on us that why not make our own coins! How hard can it be? One quick trip to a store and $6 later we had molds and wrappers in hand.  A minor domestic miracle!

Dedication? Desperation? How 'bout just plain old procrastination. 

Happy Chanukah all!

Confessions from the Sanctuary, 2011

Now that Yom Kippur's over, it's time to note a few things we learned this holiday, mostly by accident.

While we did fast, we're always amused that many people who don't fast still enjoy the "break the fast" tradition.  Then again, we suppose one can't eschew a religious tradition that involves cake simply because of a small technicality of not fasting.  That wouldn't be very inclusive of us, now would it?

1. When you're spending $100 on lox while fasting because you suck at planning, pause to note both the hypocrisy of the event and the irony of seeing/smelling all that food while you can't have so much as a nibble. 
2. There are times, however, when exposing yourself to food on Yom Kippur is a good thing.  For example, feeding your father and your almost 86-year old uncle lunch so that they'll eat is a good thing.  Even if it feels like torture.
3. When you've gone 24 1/2 hours without food or drink (but who's counting!), and you're so lightheaded you're not thinking clearly, there will come a time when you simply cannot deal with your child's refusal to wear any of her decent shoes, and her suggestion to wear tap shoes because they look fancy will sound like a decent one.  Be smart.  Learn from our mistake and do NOT, we repeat NOT give in!  It will be a disaster at best.
4. Your second favorite moment of the day will be when your child takes out her toy shofar and blows as loudly as possible with a giant group of kids at the conclusion of neila*.  
5. Your favorite moment of the day will be finding out some bizarre family detail.  For example, for us, it was the fact that our "shul" bracelet belonged not to our grandmother, but our great grandmother.  Meaning mini's great-great grandmother wore it to her shul on Yom Kippur in 1920s Germany.  That just boggles the mind.
6. No one will tell you this, but the four questions were originally five.  The fifth question is: "why is it on all nights, we say the hamotzi quietly, but on THIS night the whole room practically screams the hamotzi with joy?" This question is asked by the "bored" child.

*For you non-Jewish peeps, neila is the concluding service of Yom Kippur.  The hamotzi is the blessing on bread which Jews say before a meal.  Interestingly, this explanation just gave away the answer to this question.

Sanctuary Thinking in Progress

Happy New Year Peeps!

Hope those of you celebrating had an enjoyable holiday and enjoyed some non-dry brisket.  We are currently working on our pseudo-annual "Notes from the Sanctuary" post so please feel free to send any and all suggestions. 

In the meantime, please to enjoy the archives.

Thoughts from the Sanctuary, Part II

or the original

Confessions from the Sanctuary

Help! Holidays Have Overtaken Regular Days!

Did you know there's a big day coming up?  That's right, better start those diets now because National Donut Day is coming up soon - June 3rd.  We know this because the Entenmann's box at the store told us so.  It seems as if there's a day for everything these days, doesn't it?

A few years ago, Poker Chick wrote about International Talk Like a Pirate Day.  Since then, it seems days are popping up everywhere.  Now, since one of our favorite pastimes is food (we like it so much, we eat it every day!), we thought we'd explore the year through food holidays.

Let's talk about fresh meat, shall we?
May is National BBQ Month.  It is also National Hamburger Month.  This has us asking the obvious question: if you broil your burgers instead of grilling them, are you a heathen or something?  If the months overlap are you committed to always cooking your burgers a certain way or else they don't count as the right kind of burgers?

Of course, this makes perfect sense.  Having marketed hot dogs for several years, Poker Chick can tell you that May is also the [un]official kickoff to National Hot Dog Season.  This is not good news for hamburger manufacturers, who lose money to hot dogs.  So when people started breaking out their hot dogs to grill for national barbeque month, they must have all gotten together in some secret meat meeting to conspire against the hot dog makers.  The result?  National Hamburger Month.

One bizarre piece of the puzzle doesn't fit though.  National Hamburger Day is December 21st.  Good luck figuring that one out.

Now to you hot dog lovers, fear not!  You can enjoy as much of the processed mystery meat as you like on National Pigs in a Blanket Day, April 24th.  Apparently people like to spend their tax refunds on hors d'oevres.  Who knew?

There are also other kinds of meat.  If you're a chicken person you can enjoy the bird throughout the month of September, which is National Chicken Month.  You can eat chicken boiled, baked, breaded, stewed, fricasseed, but make sure not to eat it fried.  National Fried Chicken day doesn't take place until July 6th.

Turkeys have their own month, which is of course, you guessed it, Nov......er......June.  Because that makes sense.  Clearly part of the turkey growers' conspiracy to convince people it's not just for Thanksgiving.  For progressive peeps who can't bear to discriminate against the two birds, you'll want to look into National Poultry Day, March 19th, which of course falls right in the middle of National Noodle Month.  After all, having it fall during chicken or turkey months (or any other meat for that matter) would just be really discriminatory.  Ergo the neutral noodle. 

Now, if traif pig is more your style, you have a couple of options in swine consumption.  On March 7th there's National Crown Roast of Pork Day.  Whatever that is.  We'll give peeps the benefit of the doubt and assume it's more complicated than sticking a tiara on a pig while you roast it.  But if that's too much you can enjoy regular good old fashioned suckling pig on National Roast Suckling Pig Day, December 18th. 

Don't cook me! Please!

What we'll be celebrating
In case you can't read in between the lines, we think this National blah-blah day has gotten just a little out of hand.  We've covered half the calendar above and we haven't even gotten out of the meat section!! Think of all the other foods! Now think of diseases, memorials, secular holidays, costumes, teachers, assistants, family members, pirates, and other random nonsense.  (Yes, we intentionally put pirates next to family members).  

Having said that, there are a few days we will be celebrating.  Pay close attention and you'll notice a theme.  First reader to guess the theme wins a shoutout in the next post.

June 3rd: The aforementioned National Donut Day
April 12th (or thereabouts): National Free Ben & Jerry's Ice Cream Cone Day
October: National Dessert Month 
(We pretty much celebrate this all year long, just to make sure we're doing it right).
September 12th: National Chocolate Milkshake Day

Finally, we saved the best for last.  Can you believe there's a "National Don't Cry Over Spilled Milk Day"?  Yep, falls on this chick's birthday.  How 'bout that.

Stay tuned for our announcement of National Useless Holiday Day*.  In the meantime, here's wishing you a happy National Nylon Stockings Day.  Or, as you may call it: Sunday.

*Wait! They already have one of those! Some peeps may know it by its more popular name.  Interested parties can read more here 

Adventures in Fruits & Vegetables

Day six

Breakfast: Green apple with some raw honey

Lunch: Green salad, tomato, cucumber, feta, olives, tossed with plain oil and vinegar

Snack: "Detox" juice made with carrot, cucumber, lemon, apple*

Dinner: Baked sweet potato, plain turkey burger, roasted brussels sprouts

No, we're not on a diet.  It's the Jewish low carb diet Passover, and there's two more full days to go.

In the meantime, while you're counting the minutes until you can order a pizza, please to enjoy this vintage Poker Chick commentary on Passover from three years ago. We were trying to write something new and witty, but really this pretty much says it all.


We Were Slaves in Egypt, and I'm Hungry, Dammit!

Oh, and Happy Easter to you peeps out there celebrating.  Enjoy your peeps and all that. (sorry, couldn't resist!)

*only because it was hot, we were hungry, and Pinkberry yogurt apparently contains rice starch. Evil torturers!

Egg-Free And Nut-Free Holidays

Hamentaschen, my idea.  Crown - all mini.

Paying it Forward

Since so many of you are online, PC is guessing you're doing some shopping online too. So if you are engaging in some unavoidable holiday consumerism, please to consider using this link.

This is a portal her friend Miranda set up. Well, she didn't create the site, but you get the point.
You go to a vendor you were going to anyway, get a few points towards your next purchase on a participating site, and she builds her network too, which then enables her to give goodies to her extra special clients....

You see where this is going. Check it out, peeps.

Chag Sameach

Poker Chick would like to wish fellow members of the tribe (and their families) a Shana Tova. If this applies to you, you'll know what it means.

Health, joy, and love to you all. And may you never burn the potatoes.

Penniless

Nanny. Check.
Doormen. Check.
Business contacts with personal favors. Check.
Colleagues. Check.
Pediatrician's office. Check.
Kid allergist's office. Check.
Hair stylist. Check.
Therapist. Check.
Orthodondist. Check.
Anonymous kid who wrote letter to "Santa". Check.
Mini's teachers. Check.
Family and friends. Check.
Postman. Check.

Filing for "holiday spirit" induced bankruptcy: Priceless.