Art Vandelay, Latex Saleseman

How does one sum up a trip with some of the oddest stories ever?

Art Vandelay, Latex Salesman.

Odd?  Well that's literally how the trip started.  First night in Florida, after landing, checking in, and making the first of many Publix runs, we went to the local Chili's for dinner.  After all, it was Orlando, and when in Rome....

After rejoicing at the $4.99 kids menu, an odd man came to visit us.  He was not our waiter.

He was wearing a pin that read "Art Vandelay, Latex Salesman".

After laughing a bit and cracking a few jokes ("the sea was angry that day my friends....") we ended up chatting a bit with this fellow New Yorker/ magician/entertainer/balloon man.  We've never before met a balloon man that wasn't creepy.  He regaled us with stories of his travels.  Spoke of Southern hospitality that blew him away.  The slower pace of life outside New York.  The jokes non-New Yorkers just don't get.  He continued to entertain the adults, giving us insider tips on fun Disney things on the cheap as he made amazing balloons.  Most notable, this is the first balloon man we've ever met that is not creepy.

That's the bizarro world that belongs to Art Vandelay.

What else comprised this interesting trip?

Well, it's a story involving bizarre events such as car vomit, chefs who love food allergies, staying in Florida to avoid a hurricane, and repeated good customer service from an airline.  It's a three-act tale of life in an alternate universe:


Scene 1:  LaGuardia airport, gate 7


A nervous mother walks up to the gate.  After fighting with security about the soy nut butter jars in our bags, showing the epipen and explaining it to several employees and a manager that we can't buy it in Florida, we are ready for the usual eyerolling at the gate when we ask about peanuts we know they serve on board, hoping they have a heart.  Faster than you can say "peanu-....", we're shocked by the immediate understanding and knowledge they exhibit when hearing this.  They nod and immediately pick up a walkie-talkie, springing into action as if they actually know what a severe allergy means and have had some kind of training on the subject.  As if.

"We have a peanut allergy in 21 alpha.  I repeat, captain, peanut allergy in 21 alpha.  Over."

Some static and mumbling on the receiver.

"Copy that, sir.  We're clear."

He then turns to this mother and smiles:

"All set, ma'am.  We're clearing a peanut-free zone 3 rows ahead and behind.  Enjoy your flight."

We are flabbergasted.  No fight? No pleas? No protest? They just....helped?

Bizarro airline service experience #1.

Scene 2: Dinner at a Disney resort restaurant

"Hi, we have some food allergies at the table and had a few questions."

"Right away, ma'am."

Out comes Chef Brian.

"We can make anything you want.  I just reviewed your allergies as they were noted in the reservation.  We have a designated fryer. I'd stay away from the pasta, because that's made in a plant with seeds.  The pizza should be ok.  What sides do you want us to make you?"

He rattles off about 27 safe options.  Excuse me?  Have we died and gone to heaven?

We pick pizza with a side of peas.  Chef Brian comes out two minutes later.

"So I double checked our pizza as per our policy, and we just switched vendors who does not have a dedicated facility.  We have a supply of special allergy free pasta in our closet, we can make you any kind you want. Alfredo? Sauce? Fancy mac and cheese style?"

Mini picks mac and cheese.  Chef Brian tells us just to code it as a "pasta kids meal", giving us this very expensive allergy-gluten-free pasta with custom made bechamel sauce for $5.99.  We are too stunned to speak.

"Oh, and I see in your reservation you placed an order for a special chocolate cake for the table?"

We find our words again.

"Yes, we spoke to the bakery twice but wanted to double check that you really can..."

"Way ahead of you ma'am.  The mix we use is made in a dedicated nut, seed, egg, soy, dairy free facility.  We made it with egg replacer instead of eggs, knowing that she has an egg allergy, using sanitized equipment.  I just got off the phone with the bakery again myself, because it's our policy not just to double check, but to triple check these things.  Chocolate frosting ok?"

Now we are beyond tongue-tied.  Visions of the mini in a white flower girl dress as we step into a future of bliss with Chef Brian start popping into our head.  Chef Brian is our hero.

Our fantasy is interrupted a few minutes later by a waiter carrying a balloon and treats, along with a loud gong sound.  Apparently on every special occasion they announce it to the whole restaurant so they're all one "family".  This occasion?  Some 7 year old in another table made a nice picture and they want to randomly reward her for it.  We swear you can't make this stuff up.

They come out a little later with the gong, holding a giant chocolate cake.  We know it's not ours, because it's way bigger than we paid for, and fancy bakery style.  As we wonder how many of these gong hits we're going to have to sit through before we finally get our treat, the cake holder starts talking about a special family reunion.  Clearly going to the table next to us.  How do we know? It's written all over them. Literally.  15-20 people sitting at a table all wearing t-shirts that say "Smith family reunion".

So imagine the shock of the whole place when it comes to us?  Why a family reunion, one wonders? Well, everything's a special occasion, and what else do you call it when a bunch of friends from New York get a lovely trip to Florida and want to celebrate with cake just because they feel like it and for once in their life actually can?

The fancy cake

So bizarro restaurant experience follows bizarro flight.  There's only one way to explain something like this:

Art Vandelay, Latex Salesman.

Scene 3 - several urgent telephone calls made past midnight

In a strange twist of fate, the hurricane that was headed for Florida veers north, sparing us but threatening the east cost.  The timing will surely cancel our trip home, even though the computers haven't reflected that yet.  We try the airline, hoping to rebook for a later time before people get bumped and rebooked, making it days longer before we get home.  We hear a recording announcing they've hired more staff but still have 2 hour wait times due to expected weather delays and cancellations.  Steeling ourselves for a long and painful wait, we are caught off guard when the recorded message offers to have someone call us back if we enter our cell phone number.

We try it, almost in disbelief, but remain cynical as we hang up the phone.  The clear and articulate voice tells us because we are frequent fliers we should hear back in 35-40 minutes.

Something like 45 minutes go by and nothing.  We call again, finally reaching the prompt for entering our phone number.  Surprisingly, after we do, we're told we already have a place in line, and that it's only been 34 minutes and we should get a call in 10 minutes but we can try and rebook online while we wait if that's why we're calling.

We hang up, not sure how to react.  We try online, seeing that the $50 change fee plus fare difference only amounts to $1,200 per ticket.  We prepare for the fight of the lifetime.

8 minutes later, the phone rings.  The person on the other end actually seems...helpful.  She speaks English.  She actually has our info in front of her already.  We don't have to repeat anything.  We just tell her the situation and she says yes, there is still room on the Monday flight and if we just hold a minute she'll transfer us to the change department.  She's gone before we have time to eke out a sound, much less a question, so we give our friend an "I told you so look" as we listen to the bad music.

We're about to hang up in defeat, when a person finally speaks.  They have our info, will go ahead and send us an email confirming new ticket.  And the price?

"Gratis."

"Really?"

"That's right, there's no fee, ma'am."

"But, the website says..."

"Yes, but the weather's not your fault.  We understand that so given the situation there's no fee."

Wait a second, weather? An airline? NOT the customer's fault?  Before you go into full disbelief, there's more.

The $25 each baggage fee?  Waived, given the circumstances.  After going home 2+ days later than planned, it's expected we'd have more luggage than planned.  We shouldn't have to pay for that either.

Wait, who are we talking to again?

See the average of 8 calls per airline? And we only made one easy one.  We really were in bizarro world.

We hang up and proceed to call the hotel and car rental place to ask for two more days.  Again, we prepare ourselves for a fight, ready to dive into the irony of asking to stay in Florida for a hurricane.  Of course it's not their fault, but is there anything they can do?

Of course there is.  They understand.  After all, being stuck in a lovely resort in the Florida sunshine while the alternative is to sit at home with no power, water, or Starbucks as a hurricane blows in our windows must be horrible.  It's not our fault we have to miss more work and get two more days vacation.  We shouldn't have to pay so much for that either.  The horror of sipping pina coladas for two more days is bad enough.  So 15% off the car rental for the whole week.  15% off the hotel for the last two nights.  Just for asking.

WOW.

Has anyone ever had a vacation experience like this?  Only one way to explain the bizarre, almost backwards series of events.

Wait, you haven't figured it out yet?

Humpfh.  And you want to be my latex salesman.

The second 24 hours

What did the second day involve? Well, let's get the celeb sightings out of the way - Jamie Foxx, Brad Garrett, a couple of other people whose names escape us at the moment.

The hotel was amazing, and PC discovered the joy of catching up on news while you shower. A whole new world of efficiency! Despite the glass shower door and LCD on the bathroom wall, it doesn't work if you need to hear anything, but this is where the CNN ticker comes in handy.

Other than that, Poker Chick is pleased to say she left up $15 after poker, blackjack, and slots - and this is factoring IN the $220 tournament and rebuy costs. Tournament wise? She made it all the way to the second-final table! OK, so there were only five tables, but still - that's top half! 19th out of 50!! Now before you pooh-pooh this, let's put it in context, peeps. In Atlantic City, on a regular weekend, when you have a lot of irregular players, this would not be notable. Decent, but not notable.

However in Vegas, where the players are better anyway, on the day before the World Series of Poker main event begins, when some of those players were in the same tournament Poker Chick was playing in, it's a significantly more notable accomplishment. In addition, she played limit poker at higher stakes than she's ever played - while tired (rare) - between 2 and 5:30 AM, and still didn't lose. She would have won if she didn't have to get up and run to the airport to make a 7:30AM flight.

She had the joy of time with friends, great food, fabulous drinks, an awesome pool, and the trippy Cirque du Soleil LOVE show. Finally, a celebration when a friend won over $1,200 on PENNY slots. Poker Chick won some money at slots herself, the machine was "hot" and "loose diamonds". They were loose, peeps. Loose, we tell you. And hot.

Not bad for 24 hours.

What's on the agenda for the next 24 hours? Picking out dates for next year. With more preplanning, more of you readers can make it!

20 hours in Vegas

What can you do with less than 24 hours in Vegas? Well, a hell lot more than Poker Chick has done. But still, the 48 hour grownup weekend has been quite awesome. So far, she's managed to squeeze in: a quick dinner, long day by the pool with friends including lunch and drinks. She's also managed to discover that playing blackjack in your bathing suit is unbelievably fun. Not to mention the amazing frozen mojitos they had while you played. But better still was walking away with over $350 after she was down to her last $15.

Eventually, Poker Chick made her way to the poker room, where some famous poker players were hanging out (including Ellen DeGeneres and Cheryl Hines), and made a new Canadian friend at the table.

It's 105 degrees outside - but it's dry heat! Way better. Also quite tolerable when sitting in a pool with drinks the whole time. And the pool was a popular place for all, including Jay-Z and Joe Hachem, poker legend.

Ahh, Vegas. It never disappoints. More tomorrow, including PC's performance in a tournament herself..

The Frog and the Crab

One hot summer day, a certain woman we know went to a quiet swimming pool to cool off. A city dweller herself, she had spent a long summer cooped up in a humid, concrete island. Not that the weather mattered. With her work hours she spent more time on airplanes or under fluorescent lights than in the beautiful sun anyway.

This pool was her reward. And there it was. After days of gray nearly ruining her vacation she finally got her one perfect day, the one she had been waiting for all summer. 85 degrees and sunny, not a cloud in the sky, nothing to hear but birds and crickets, and the pool was all hers.

Except it wasn't.

This guy had gotten there first:

Did we mention she was a city dweller? Not exactly the kind to rave about living in harmony with "nature's gifts". More likely, in fact, to squeak. Or squeal. Something like that. We have a vague memory of something that sounded like an "eek, get it out!", but we're not quite sure.

So after a couple of minutes with a pool net thingie (apparently they're called "skimmers") Poker husband removed said frog from the pool. She prepared herself to get over the drama and go for a calm swim while everyone else in the house was still sleeping.

No sooner had she put her toe in the water long enough to feel how warm and lovely the pool was, she saw this guy:

See how creepy he looks?

He was about to attack her foot but she got out just in time. Again, Poker husband came down with the net thing ("skimmer"? really?). But unlike the poor frog who was DOA (apparently he was not aware he was biologically unprepared for chlorine), the crab was very much alive. So every time he got caught he quickly jumped back into the pool. It took much longer to get him out and back on sand.

We don't really need to tell you that she didn't feel much like swimming after that, do we?

Excuse Me, Did You Just Pour Salt On Your Fudge?

And the answer to that is yes. Yes, Poker Chick did. How did this happen? Well, it goes back to the mini having food allergies.

A trip to all local fudgeries resulted in only two flavors without nuts. Chocolate and Vanilla. Very exciting, huh? Notice the sarcasm. Unfortunately, the most delicious-looking flavor was the peanut butter but sadly it was not to be.

So we improvised. Once the kids were asleep Poker Chick had the idea to take a spoonful of Soy Nut Butter and put it on her chocolate fudge. Only this stuff isn't as salty as peanut butter so it usually needs some to taste like it. One bite and she realized it had potential, just needed salt. But the idea of pouring salt on fudge? Gross!

She was dared to do it and it was good! And that is how she found herself, pouring salt over a fudge/soy nut butter "schmear" that she made up.

Damn, it was goooood. Don't knock it until you try it, peeps.

Ouch, my head hurts!

Vacation is eerily reminiscent of summer camp days. First you put sheets on the mattress, which is not much more than a box spring anyway. Then, there's the moldy smell of the wood in humidity. The chill in the air. The bugs.

Perhaps she is alone, but Poker Chick always remembers being miserable the first few days of summer camp. The bugs kept her awake at night. The bathroom smelled funny. And everything seemed dirty. But by the third day she was always over it and everything felt normal.

So those memories came flooding back while she winced putting her lacey underwear in old (and possibly rotting) wooden drawers. And every creak of the "bed" brought the same nostalgia with it.

That aside, the real problem in this house has been herself. Two days ago, she was foraging for snacks in the refrigerator (she's not used to one that big) and jumped up without realizing her head was still slightly in. This resulted in a fast and hard bump on the head. She saw stars. She got immediately dizzy. Tears just started flowing. This was a serious bump on the head.


After a day of ice and some tequila (to "constrict the blood vessels", that was the reason, uh yea....) it felt mildly better. But Poker Chick couldn't leave it at that. No sooner had the throbbing subsided, that she jumped up after kissing the mini goodnight in her bunk bed (who's done bunk beds since summer camp?!) and whacked her head on the top bunk. A major whack. In the same spot.

Ow. Ow, ow ow. Ow, ow. OMG, ow.

Well, maybe she can console herself with the weather report giving her some good news. The group has to leave by 10am tomorrow. The sun was supposed to show today but it's still cloudy outside. Guess when the weatherman says the sun is coming out again? And will stay for the full ten day forecast? Did you guess 10:30 am tomorrow?

It was kind of obvious she was going there, huh?

Channeling the Domestic Goddess Within

Apparently a week in a house with two kids to feed will bring out the domestic side of anyone, no matter how latent. Last week we posted about feats of Jell-O and pancakes. Lest anyone think these are exaggerated, there's more; proof that anything is possible.

1. Shucking corn. There's a word that sounds funnier the more times you say it.
2. Homemade Guacamole. So good, it was requested the next night in larger quantities. She even did the throw the ginzu knife in the avocado pit thing to twist and take it out. Impressive, yes. Smart, not so much. At least not if you're as klutzy as this girl.
3. A giant pot of rice. We didn't want you to think it was all glamorous. She can do the basics too. And it didn't even burn.

We know you don't believe us, so there are photos. Y'all will just have to wait two more days until she's back in civilization and can get that little cord thing that uploads them to the computer.

F*cked by the F-Girl, Again!

Her name was Florence. She was hot and heavy. But also dark and stormy. So stormy, in fact, she shut down and airport and left 120 people (Poker Chick included) stranded in Bermuda. Not that it's a bad place to be stranded. But if you're going to spend the money to go to Bermuda (and it is a lot), you want to be able to see that pink sand. So a hurricane kinda puts a damper on that. But Poker Chick figured Florence was a once-in-a-lifetime kinda thing.

Fast forward two years later. (It can't be one year, because the F-name is male the year in between). Turns out Faye's got it in for Poker Chick, too. We figured we were safe because Faye was done and far west of the Atlantic. But of course then Poker Chick tried to plan a beach vacation. So against all odds, Faye gathered all "remnants" and moved herself back east to visit. And thus another beach vacation is rained out. To illustrate, behold the OBX weather patterns below:

Weather for most of the week

The "nice" day this week

Weather other people get here

Poker Chick is thinking perhaps she should only plan beach vacations in odd-numbered years.

Thanks a lot, bitches.

Corolla is not just a Toyota

Corolla is also a remote place on the Outer Banks of North Carolina. So remote, in fact, that it does not get blackberry service. In case you were wondering, Corolla is here:
<-That's Corolla. Waaay out in the middle of nowhere.
To give you some scale, the bridge to OBX is in Kitty Hawk, so we had to go another 20-30 miles to get away from civilization. The closest "big" town to us is to the south, called Duck. There are several advantages to this:

1) It's easy to remember if you get lost. "The one above the duck!"
2) Everything sounds funnier when added to "duck". "Duck donuts". "Duck fudge". "Duck Smoothies". It's hilarious! Especially when "duck donuts" are "made to order".

Now, some of you must be wondering how our city girl is faring in these parts. Well, the snob within is truly slumming it, peeps. Let her paint you a picture:

• She's living in a house. Not the Four Seasons, not a resort house with maid service and a restaurant, but a regular not-so-fancy teal-green house.
  
• For the most part, it feels like a cross between the Jersey shore and the Hamptons. So far, the only big advantage she's been able to identify is warmer water. Just like the NY/NJ beaches, there's kitchsy stores and farmers markets and fudge and mini-golf. And the plethora of bbq (pigs in pits) is...hmmm...maybe a little more...country.
• Speaking of country, there's wild horses running around these parts.
• And beer "drive-thrus". That's right, beer. Drive-through. They're called "Brew-Thrus".
  

Now, lest you think she's complaining, she must add that the house has a pool and hot tub. And having a stocked fridge is.. (gasp)...not so bad. She didn't cook or anything but she did make a turkey sandwich. With sides of grapes and carrot sticks. It may be more fruit and veggies than she's eaten in weeks. Also, the beach and sun are gorgeous. As a result, after just one day, she is brown and luscious. And the kids had fun too. This is good because apparently Hurricane Faye left behind some remnants that are headed back east and will ruin the rest of the stay with rain and clouds all the time. Lovely.

Tomorrow we'll post about amusing signs way. There are some you peeps will not believe. Meanwhile, good trip or not good trip? We'll leave readers to their own opinions for now. Feel free to share.

Calling Fellow Neurotic Parents....

If anyone out there with a kid with food allergies has taken a cruise, then Poker Chick needs your advice! Good news: Poker Chick's family is trying to get together on a cruise. Bad news: cruises mean lots of buffets, a food allergy nightmare, especially when you're miles and miles from a hospital. Now, she can't believe she's about to say this, but after some initial research she's seriously considering a Disney cruise. Stories of special chocolates on the pillow. Nut, dairy and egg free birthday cakes. Entire menus prepared just for your kid. This is the stuff dreams are made of.

But before she shelves her grownup coolness and resigns to a gambling-free (gasp! no poker?) trip, she wants to see if anyone has heard anything good about food allergies on any other cruise line. There's also the question of whether or not a Disney cruise will be upscale enough for Big Boy, she still has to sell him on it. Any tips, advice, links would be greatly appreciated (including where to go, which is also open!)