Writers are a Stubborn Folk, You Know

A few weeks ago, we were almost published on a writing site for parents.  The article was intended to speak to others who write with little to no reward, and perhaps make them feel less alone in this world.  At the last minute the article was rejected for being "too negative".  The site wanted writers to believe they were going to make money, and this article didn't exactly sell the profession.  It wasn't intended to.  So we're posting it here to prove a point.

If this speaks to at least one person out there, it will be worth it.

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Why even bother?

I ask myself this on a daily basis.  Unlike "real" writers, I haven't made a penny off my writing.  In fact, if I calculate the money and time I've invested in learning how to be a better writer, I'm pretty far down in the hole.  Plus, there's other costs to consider.  Like time, for one.

I'm guessing most of you know that parenthood takes multitasking to a whole new level.  Finding time to grocery shop is much easier said than done for someone who probably doesn't even get to shower without interruptions anymore.  Even if you're lazy like me and do your grocery shopping when your friend plans it, so you can avoid figuring out when to grocery shop and mooch a ride.  (Good mothers are resourceful, am I right?)

Also, there's this pesky little thing called money we need to buy all these kids the things they need: silly things like food, clothing, checkups, and that thing called education you're supposed to provide for them.  Cue the day job, which sucks many hours a week away.

Now that you're getting the picture, you must be thinking to yourself: That's it? All that time left after working and raising a child! Who needs sleep, you need to write! In fact, after reading this lovely piece, we insist!  Talent like this cannot go to waste!  You simply MUST write!  (You did pick up on that sarcasm, I hope.)
It started out pretty innocuously.  I started a blog to update friends and family on my international adventures (sometimes the day job has its perks).  It was kind of fun and I kept at it, mostly because it was a good way to communicate with close family who lived far away.  Like deebo, for example.  That's an inside joke.  Well it was, anyway.

As a mother, it was a good outlet.  I wasn't exactly about to go out after work and start tossing them back to relax, but I could write about the challenges I faced as a mother and that helped me in a different way.  I read other people's blogs and got a whole new level of respect for what it takes to be a mother.  I also learned there's a lot of funny moms out there.  Shockingly, some of them think I'm funny.  So I kept at it and found that I liked the support I got when I needed to vent or the sheer pleasure of having someone appreciate my twisted sense of humor.

You're supposed to laugh now.  Or chuckle, or something.  Anyway.

Then one day someone said "you're really good at this, you should write a screenplay!"  I dismissed it, of course.  I'm a businesswoman.  I work with creative people - they do impractical things like that.  I could never afford to put that kind of effort into something that would pay off any dividends. (See! I said dividends!  Thus proving I am indeed a bona fide businesswoman.)  Then someone else said I should write a screenplay.  Why peeps kept saying that and not a novel is beyond me.  But by the time a third person mentioned this I thought "why not"?  Who cares that I've never even read a screenplay, it'll be a life accomplishment!  Some run marathons, I was going to write a screenplay!  I gingerly mentioned this idea to a couple of people and they laughed so hard, naturally it just made me want to do it that much more. 

So in addition to my hectic life I decided to take an intensive 10-week screenwriting seminar with homework.  And when that was over I added a bi-monthly writing group.  Thus began a 2 year journey of constant writing, editing, checking in with my newfound writing friends.  And now, I am proud to announce I have a legitimate, original, and fully completed screenplay in my possession.  Soon it will be two.  And it's good enough that it wasn't tossed aside by the first competition I submitted it to.  More importantly, it still makes me laugh when I read it.

Wanna buy it? Please?

Ahem.  I had to try, you know.

So where am I after all this?  5 years of blog entries.  One screenplay.  And after years of building readership talking to myself, I'm still at it.

Why is that?

So that's what I ask myself every day.  Some ask whether the tree really made a sound if no one was there to hear it fall.  I am a different sort of philosopher who questions whether or not I can call myself a writer if no one's paid me so much as a teency weency penny to do it.

And since I am very much a betting woman, I'd give huge odds in favor of the fact that at least one person reading this feels the very same way.

Let's Play "Pick That Logline"

Hello peeps.  We need your help. 

We can't write it alone! Please vote!

As some of you know, a couple years ago Poker Chick decided that she should write a screenplay.  Now, take a minute to control your laughter, and keep reading when you've gotten it together.  A year or so later (and no less than 20 drafts), she completed a screenplay.  After reaching this life accomplishment she decided it was good enough that she should actually get it produced.

Now get the rest of the chuckles out and put them aside for a minute because we're asking for serious help.

As we await several rejections in July (gotta love insecurity), it has come to our attention that while the screenplay is quite good, the one or two sentence summary required to sell it could use some work.  To that, Poker Chick says:

Well, DUH!  If we were any good at concisely summarizing an idea in three lines or less would we have written a 118-page document!  So can we write a good summary? We should think not!  If we could, we'd be off getting paid to write :30 commercials.  Or other peeps' loglines.

Apparently the only way to create a decent logline is to get some help.  Cue you peeps.

So please, even if you've never commented on our blog before, if you could vote now, that would be faboo.  If you can forward along to friends for comment, that would be even more faboo.  In fact, the more strangers, the better.

If you're new to this business, we could give you all kinds of links on how to "write a killer logline" and all the rules people get paid a lot of money to print out.  We say use just one rule: does it make you want to read more?  Using that criteria, which of the below sucks least?

Below is a list of potential loglines.  Some of these were seriously considered at some point, some intentionally bad.  So if you see one so bad you can't believe we wrote it, just tell yourself we wanted it that way to throw you.  Uh, yeah,  that's it.

1. An accidental death sends a NY yuppie to Vegas with her freewheeling brother, 65-year old hippie cousin, and a random guy named Kenny. 
2. Meet Danny Katz, a conformist yuppie NY businesswoman.  Meet her estranged family: Goldenboy, her reckless reckless and vain yet strangely charming metrosexual brother.  Meet Hal, an ancient free spirit who lives in a van.  Feel guilty for laughing at Danny's torment as she is forced to travel to Las Vegas with her estranged family in search of some fabled family coins and a random guy named Kenny.                                                             
3. A conformist yuppie businesswoman is forced to go to Las Vegas with her estranged family in search of some fabled family coins and a random guy named Kenny.
4. Meet Danny, a conformist yuppie businesswoman.  Watch in twisted amusement as she is forced to go to Las Vegas in search of some fabled family coins…where she has to eventually decide between saving her estranged family and keeping her job. 
5. A young man is a reformed gambler who must return to playing big stakes poker to help a friend pay off loan sharks. 
6. When her professional poker-playing father suddenly dies and leaves her in charge of his will, a stuck-up businesswoman must risk her career to travel to Las Vegas with her bizarre and embarrassing family to collect his valuable coins before the IRS finds them...and before her boss finds out she's gone.
7. When her father suddenly dies and leaves her in charge of his will, a businesswoman must risk her career to travel to Las Vegas with her bizarre and embarrassing family.  After they gamble away all her money on a seat in the World Series of Poker she has to decide whether to play for the sake of her family – or lose her precious job.
8. Condolence call is a dark comedy that follows a hard working businesswoman as she handles her estranged father's death, reconnects with her family, and places her life on the line to help her brother by playing in the World Series of Poker. 

Oh, and if you picked #5, then pick another.  
That's the logline for Rounders.

 A girl's gotta weed out the spam somehow, is all we're sayin'. 

Guest Post: Cooking on the Edge of Insanity

Today we have a rare treat: a guest post from our friend Emily, who's just written a wonderful book of essays which is simultaneously a great read and also a wonderful source of kid-friendly recipes.  If you peeps had our blog analytics you'd know that the guest posts we have are the most popular reads by far, so go ahead and read, and then we hope you'll discuss, and check out her cool new e-book.

Two days before Poker Chick and her family come to visit, I scrub down the table. And the floor. And the walls. And the chairs. Then I announce to the children, “No more peanut butter for the next two days.” The next day, I scour it all again.

Poker Chick hasn’t asked me to do this, and I know it’s probably unnecessary to go to quite these extremes, but you must understand that we love peanut butter. And my kids have bad table manners. About 38% of my kitchen is coated in peanut oil at any given time. While I know that I could wash it all once and hope for the best, I really don’t want to take any chances.

I have a motto when it comes to people with food allergies: Not on my watch.

You will not go into anaphylactic shock at my house. I know the world is a dangerous place for someone with serious food allergies, and I know that parents have to be constantly vigilant. Someday, somewhere, it’s very possible that the Mini will encounter peanut butter and will need immediate medical attention. It’s the thought that keeps Poker Chick up at night, I’m guessing. But it won’t be on my watch.

So excuse me while I go wash my doorknobs.

Emily Rosenbaum is a writer, mother, and all-around lunatic who lives in New Jersey. Her new ebook, Cooking on the Edge of Insanity, is available for Kindle and Nook.

Accomplishment....or delusion?

Is it ever really finished if it's never produced? Discuss.

Poker Chick is pleased to report that she has officially completed her first script, registered it with the U.S. Copyright office and Writer's Guild, and (in case that's not enough) successfully entered into her first screenwriting competition.

We know what you're thinking.

1) Wow, what an amazing life accomplishment! We are in awe of your prolific brilliance, Poker Chick.

or

2) Yeah, and? So now you're not only smoking crack, you're also out $132. Yay for you.

or

3) Oh crap, does that mean I have to start pretending to read your blog posts again?

Whichever one you're thinking, please, for this girl's sake, let's keep up appearances, shall we?

HiBye

If Poker Chick is MIA, it's just because she's trying to figure out how the hell to write a funny logline. However she's never too busy to plan for Vegas! Note - especially to those in California, it's not too late to get in on the hotel steal and book some 4th of July fun. C'mon, everyone's doin' it....

Dear Therapist....

Yes, Poker Chick is really writing a screenplay. Stop snickering. And it was going well. At first.

She had it all figured out: the original story idea, sequence of events, even had the professional software and formatting all figured out. And it was coming together, it really was. The characters, witty dialogue, three-act structure. An entire first draft, nearly finished. Well, 1/3 nearly finished anyway.

And then she had to hand it in.

Thus began a severe crisis of confidence as the days tick towards D-day, the day that her entire class will tear her apart. While she is not allowed to say a word. They will point and laugh all at once, it will be scary, as if she is in a fun house of horrors. Words like "amateur" and "hack" will be tossed about carelessly. She will be exposed.

So if anyone knows the right thing to say to prevent her from skipping the next class, please go ahead and speak. And while you're so inclined, if you could suggest funny ways to die, that'd be great too. Because despite hours of research and time spent watching fun shows like "Dr. G, medical examiner" and "Trauma in the E.R.," Poker Chick has not yet found it.

What makes someone a writer?

Everyone has had to write at some point in their lives. Poems, school papers, stalker emails....
We've all been there. But most of us wouldn't identify with the term "writer". Very few people, when you ask them what they do say "I'm a writer".

When they do we are in awe. How cool, how sexy. Writers are inherently interesting and mysterious. We toil away in our cubicles and some lucky bastard gets a god-given gift they can make money out of. We are jealous. We are impressed.

We also have a stereotype in our head of a what a "real" writer is like. For example, a tall blonde with implants and the name "Bunny" - probably won't get taken seriously as a writer. It's not fair but we all do it.

For the first time in her life today, Poker Chick felt what it is like on the other side. Picture this:

FADE IN.

INT. STARBUCKS - DAY

A young woman, POKER CHICK, is waiting in a long line for her coffee. It is a rainy weekend in New York, the kind where people forego errands and stay in their apartments, deliciously reading their Sunday Times over the course of an afternoon.

In the local Starbucks, optimists buzz about in their jewelery and Sunday best, pretending the rain can never affect the tone of the day. POKER CHICK is not one of them. She has no ironed clothes, no fancy shoes. She has not even dried her hair. She has something important to do. She is dressed in the only clothes that could be respected as authentic, ripped jeans, a hooded sweatshirt, and canvas sneakers.

She observes the man standing in front of her. He is big and very masculine in his appearance.

MACHO MAN
I'd like a grande green tea latte, please. Soy milk, no foam. And a splash guard with that.

BARISTA
Excuse me?

MACHO MAN repeats himself unapologetically.

BARISTA
Yes sir. That'll be $6.95. Would you like some oatmeal with that?

POKER CHICK grins to herself in smug delight as her coffee is ready. Her task ahead is not for the faint of heart and a latte won't cut it. She grabs it along with her New York bagel and heads out in the rain with nothing but a hood for protection.

Back inside, she sits in solitary, looking at a small notebook full of scribbles that are her genius at work. She guards this carefully, despite the fact that it is illegible, lest someone steal her obviously brilliant ideas. She makes a mental note to talk to her agent about trademarking the script. She makes another mental note to go find an agent. She opens her apple computer and takes a sip of coffee.

She is a writer.

FADE OUT.

Slight Change in Plans

How much can you cram into one day before you collapse?

Poker Chick's sick sense of humor must have caused her to ask that question in her subconscious. The whole full-time job mom thing, clearly not challenging enough. No, no.
Today, she went to work early. As if that wasn't enough she was also services by 7:45 am. By 9am she had already eaten gotten to work, cleaned out her inbox, and formally grieved for her mother.

At 3pm she finally at something. At 6pm, having had a very busy day, did she go home? No.
She went to class. Yes, class. For some inexplicable reason, Poker Chick has taken it upon herself to add learning how to write a screenplay into her already overflowing life. Who needs sleep?

Smart peeps who can read between the lines will notice that this leaves little time for blogging.
So writing time will have to be re-focused for a bit. At least while the first draft of a screenplay starts coming together. And we all know screenwriting is the de rigeur job loss backup plan. Some prepare their resumes just in case. Poker Chick is going to prepare a screenplay.

This means you are all faced with a decision:

1. Suffer Poker Chick withdrawal for some time OR
2. Be forced to read random scenes in lieu of blog entries and offer constructive criticsm.

Pick your poison, please.