Breaking News: A real world sample

A sample of the top stories from today's news alone:

1. Cars are not selling well this holiday season. Duh.
2. Lebanon could be in the Guinness book of World records of a giant potato. Well, that's one way to get there.
3. The Irish have bad pork. Mental note: no more traif.
4. "Man vs. Wild" host injured in Antarctica. Great. Thanks for the 2009 season spoiler, news people!
5. Laid-off workers seek pay. No kidding.
6. Amy Poehler is back doing news at SNL after just a few weeks. Really?

What happened to, like, real news?

Breaking News!!!!

Poker chick has officially had writer's block for over a week now.

Writer's Block

Poker Chick has nothing to write about.

She's suffering from an attack of inspiration, energy, confidence, whatever. Everything she considers writing about lately seems pitiful and she's left with no ideas.

She could write about the "breaking news alert" she received that we've been in a recession since 2007. She could do a whole blog about how f*cked up it is that the authorities couldn't figure that one out before we'd already passed the mark for longest one on record since who knows when - and pontificate about what consititutes "Breaking news".

She could talk about the plight of the working mom, and ask for help deciding between a business trip and parent-teacher conferences, not to mention how to deal with snarky and judgemental stay-at-home moms who make things unnecessarily harder (not all of them, just a select precious bunch).

She could talk about complete exhaustion, the kind that happens when you're running a fever, your husband's been out of town for four days, and the mini is up coughing at night so much so that you and the pediatrician decide you must give her an inhaler for the first time.

She could lament about what to do with two weeks off in December, stay at home, go to Vegas, go to LA, do something else, etc, etc. The problems of a New York Ad Girl, indeed.

She could b*tch about the ridiculous expense, chaos and politics that is planning a winter birthday party in New York.

She could whine about the realization that despite many years and good medicine, farm animals still render her nose, eyes and mouth useless in an instant.

She could vent about the food thing, and how exhausting it is to always decline cake, call for pizza ingredients, say no to birthday parties with make your own food, want to scream when the mini is left out of social ocassions/food just because a parent didn't take a minute to be more inclusive. She could tell you about the mini's sad plea at a birthday party ("now can I have my cupcake"?) that is so loud it stops everyone in the room in their tracks and you have to endure horrible looks of pity.

She could talk about the fact that it was a "good" weekend when we only had two time-outs each day and how especially proud she was of mini who not only did a mitzvah by helping her sort and organize books at the synagogue, but also called to her classmate when she came in "Hi, E! Come and play with me and my new friends" (code: kids she just met). The same week, mini had asked Poker Chick to actually stop giving her so much mac and cheese so that there would be enough left to share with her friends. Today she also petted an iguana (technically some kind of "dragon" species) a second time to show a scared classmate that it was friendly and gentle. She could look at these moments and begin to think that maybe she is actually doing something right after all.

Yes, Poker Chick could tell you all this. But none of this will be interesting to you peeps.

So for now, we'll just whine. Being sick sucks, it's freezing outside, and PC is exhausted. Yes, we know. Call a f*cking "waambulance". Will do. In the meantime, can you peeps think of what the hell else you might actually want to read?

"Black Friday" Not So Dark After All

No matter how far down the toilet the economy goes, the American people will get up at 5am to find it.

Left: Black Friday at the King of Prussia Mall

Those of us with jobs, stocks, savings or investment accounts (this just about covers everyone) will be waiting with baited breath until 9:01am when the stock market opens on Monday. If this picture is any indication, we can relax.

As she has over the past several years, Poker Chick went to the second-largest mall in the United States to check out the state of American consumerism and report back to her readers. If a picture can tell a thousand words, this one could be an article all on its own. However, that would be a boring post, so Poker Chick will elaborate. Yay for you.

Just to give you an idea of how important this is, last year Black Friday represented 10.1% of all holiday sales. Indeed Poker Chick has observed this phenomenon at the same mall on the same day at the same time. And she can honestly say she's never seen it this crowded.

This was surprising. We expected fewer shoppers this year. Several stores resorted to the desperate measure of declaring "early" Black Friday this year. So theoretically those shoppers had already bought their gifts. Also, the news was reporting as much as 19% declines in pre-holiday sales. And of course, most of us have been assuming people would spend less this year, spend less time shopping, or just avoid the stores entirely. After all, the day after Thanksgiving shouldn't have to revolve around spending money to be enjoyable or productive. Right?

Wrong. Seems Americans are a wee bit reluctant to give up one of their favorite pastimes. And just for a little credibility here, Poker Chick is not the only one who noticed. CNN reported a "robust start" to Black Friday today. Media outlets in Illinois, Michigan, New Hampshire, and other states were reporting huge crowds. In Valley Stream, NY, shoppers turned Black Friday into a contact sport, stampeding a local Wal-Mart and and killing an employee in the process. And finally, many of us forgot that unpredictable variable: the non-native shopper. Foreigners were out in droves taking advantage of the sales. Some flew all the way from Australia (No, not the movie, stupid).

Maybe the great bargains succeeded in getting people to shop after all. Many stores apparently decided the standby phrase "ONE DAY BLOWOUT SALE!" wasn't persuasive enough, and put out the most exaggerated descriptors they could think of to attract customers.

Right: Old Navy screams savings, in case you missed it.

So, let's say it worked. Will the volume of shoppers make up for the revenue loss from all this discounting? Who knows. We'll all find out when we read the news tomorrow. In the meantime, PC predicts the hemmorhaging of the market will slow down. Well, at least temporarily. This will buy us some time to review our purchases and think up as many synonyms as we can for "inflation".

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Poker Chick is a writer, mother, and avid shopper from New York.

Thanksgiving, Chapter 2: More Road Rage

It was the same routine for 10 years. Drive one hour to a farm in the middle of nowhere, have a huge Thanksgiving feast, drive back when it was dark.

Today was no different except when backing out of the long, wet, manure-filled driveway, the passenger-side door suddenly swung open. We swear Poker Chick had slammed it shut when she got in. But there it was, open all the way without warning. Poker husband tried to slam on the brakes but it took a second or two and in those moments he kept backing up. Ordinarily, this would have been fine, except the now open door was stuck in a pile of mud on the side of the driveway. So when the car moved back, the door moved forward.

We hope Poker Chick does not need to tell you this is not a good situation to be in. Only Poker Chick could get into a car accident without even getting on the road.

Half an hour later PC was transferring a screaming mini with her car seat and ton of stuff to a relative's car while Poker husband waited several hours for a tow truck and a giant bill.

Speaking of giant bills, tomorrow is Black Friday. We can't wait to see what that day will bring. Intelligent readers will note the sarcasm.