Carnivals and Cartoons

Big thank you to Libby for including us in this week's Food Allergies Blog Carnival. Go read The Allergic Kid and your lunchbox will never be the same.

In the meantime, if you share our rather twisted sense of humor, you may enjoy the cartoon above.  If so, check out her blog where Tiffany regularly posts cartoons on this subject.

How Motherhood Turns You Into a Sentimental Sap

As we write this, we are going back and forth to check on a sleeping child, to savor the last few breaths of the wonder that was six years old because we're just not ready for the seven year old we will see tomorrow.  
 
Happy birthday, mini.  May you one day know the joy of having your insides shaken up every day.
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Recently, someone asked us to to describe the experience of parenting and we didn't quite know where to begin.  There's the honest, yet cheesy answer about loving another little human being more than you ever thought you could.  Then there's the more honest answer, which usually has the words "exasperated" and "smack" somewhere in the same sentence, along with [insert favorite expletive].

Hmm. None of that tells you what it feels like to be a parent at all, does it? 

Perhaps this is closer: imagine, on a daily basis, at random unpredictable times, someone took out all your insides, shook them up, threw them on the street, stomped all over them, and then put them back in your body in the wrong order.  We're talking heart in your stomach.  Emotions where your brain used to be.  Memory, coordination, overall executive functioning, all constantly needing readjustment.  Your ability to sleep through the night thrown out the window, even in lands far far away.

You second-guess everything you say or do.  All confidence and previously acquired knowledge hovers somewhere around your nether regions as if you're some kind of alien life form re-learning how to be a human all over again.  You're constantly being challenged to be a better person, identify your values, rethink your ideals, keep your promises, do good unto others, do what you say.  You feel like someone is always watching you.  Mostly, because someone is always watching you.

Exhibit B: Female finger, post parenthood

Exhibit A: Female finger, pre parenthood

You do not recognize yourself.  You fight off all inner alarms screaming "alert! alert! domestic hell ahead of you!" and go to places like the Container Store and Buy Buy baby anyway, even if they are so overwhelming that all you want to do is run the other way.  You ignore all introverted tendencies and forcefully, even publicly take on any teacher, lawmaker, or adult that gets in the way of what you think is best for your child without giving it a second thought.  You wonder how you let a little 2, 3, 4 year old boss you around and how you ended up wrapped around their cute little finger.

Exhibit C: Child's finger wrapped around adult's.  That's what they want you to believe, peeps. 

You hear yourself say things you'd never have thought would come out of your mouth.  Words like "what do you mean, you don't need me to wipe your poop anymore?" and "I'm going on that sleepover with you!" come out of your mouth so fast you don't have time to clap your hand over your mouth before you think to yourself "whatthefuck. who said that?"  You get so used to reciting "get your hand out of your mouth" at the end of every sentence that you start saying it unconsciously to grownups.  (Worse, still, this doesn't bother you.)  You can't stand it when your child is always hanging off your arm, yet when you are walking around without them it feels like one of your arms is missing.  You are so sleep deprived you want to cry, but at the same time the thought of sending this little person off to sleep away camp or (gasp!) college gives you panic attacks.  Speaking of crying, you do a lot of this.  You cry anytime you hear about a kid anywhere getting hurt, you cry anytime your kid says something endearing, you cry anytime you watch oneofthosesappyfuckingendofschoolyearvideos, you cry when your child wishes you a happy Mother's Day in earnest, and you cry at all those commercials with babies in them because watching all those babies reminds you that yours is not a baby anymore and then that thought makes you cry, which just makes you wonder who is in your body and what someone did with the real you.  You know, the one who was not the soft, sentimental sap you see before you.

That, peeps...that...we think, is a much more accurate description of what it feels like to be a parent.


*Note, if you're interested in an even better description of parenting, click here.  Could not have said it better ourselves.

On Our Soapbox

We're asking for trouble, we know.

But if someone could take a minute to explain our constitution to us, that'd be swell.  Because, we thought we learned about this little thing in our constitution called the first amendment, which calls for separation of church and state.  Since we were in the third grade and since we were young and gullible we believed it. 

Here's where we get stuck.  Let's say you believe in this whole separation of church and state thing, which we'd like to.  OK, OK, so the first amendment doesn't actually mention separation of church and state.  But since no one is challenging the interpretation let's just go with that common implication for now.  What does it mean? No religion in schools.  No religion in politics.  So say you're some qualified person white male still running for the republican candidate for president.  Episcopalian, mormon, it really doesn't matter so long as you believe in Jesus and remember to thank him in your speeches.  Still, supposedly your religion is not supposed to influence your politics, right?

Now also explain to us how is it that you are opposed to something like same sex marriage?  What is it about it that bothers you?  Do you not believe in equal rights for all citizens?  Wait, you say you do? Then the answer can only be one of two things: a) your best friend is a cartoon character named Cartman or b) your church says so therefore it must be true.

Bam. Wethinks religion just dictated your political agenda. 

If this guy's running your campaign, you have bigger issues

Let's give you the benefit of the doubt and assume you are above all that stuff, and that you can support a bi-partisan agenda regardless of your own personal or religious beliefs because you believe in democracy.  Then, you're going to have a little problem called "getting your party to actually vote for you".  Because no serious Republican candidate can ignore their party's cornerstone: christian evangelicals.  Take our friend Santorum, for instance.  Days after an evangelical endorsement his campaign contributions are up 50%. 50% peeps!!  He's so flush he can finally afford to go to-to-toe with this guy in South Carolina.  CNN quotes: "Newt Gingrich's campaign is working to limit the fallout of that decision."  Interesting.  Reading between the lines, this means Gingrich is likely to be doing more speaking out on behalf of "conservative values" and less for civil rights to win his evangelicals back.

Oh, and did we mention that "conservative values" is politically correct code for religiously-driven agenda?  But then again what do we know?  We're just another, dime-a-dozen, Ivy-league educated liberal Jew who can make up words like "wethinks" because we feel like it and ignore all proper grammatical rules for kicks.

It's a good thing our current president, a democrat, has the sense to check all religion at the door as it has no place in politics in a country where christians and jews and muslims and atheists live side by side.  It's a good thing he's not thanking his god in his speeches or doing any funny business like that.  It's a good think religious holidays like Christmas aren't national or school holidays.  Oh, wait...

Can we please just call a spade a spade?  Can we at least admit that religion plays into our politics whether we like it or not?  Then and only then, can we begin examining where we have fallen short of our democratic ideals.  As Betty Ford said, admitting you have a problem is the first step to recovery.  Or...wait, maybe was that was something someone said to Betty Ford.  You think we know the answer to that? As if.  Go ask a white male, will you?  And when you're done with that, let's have an honest debate about what role religion does (and should) play in our supposedly agnostic political system.   

Off our soapbox now.

Review: Cookies for people with food allergies that actually taste like cookies

We had the recent pleasure of devouring elegantly tasting some new products from Home Free Treats.  A little about Home Free:  the company was started by a mom who has a child with food allergies and like many of us, was frustrated by the lack of options out there.

These were our favorite. Shocking, we know.

Mini was most excited at this project, as she rarely gets store-bought cookies, if ever.  One of the downsides of having a mother who can bake, we suppose.  But these are lazy-day alternatives we can actually feel good about: they have more whole grains and less "bad" ingredients than most store bought treats, and, as mini pointed out "they have fruit, they are made with apple juice!"  (side note, if any of you have followed our adventures in trying to get mini to eat fruit, you will understand the pathetic significance of this statement).  They are also kosher, which is cool for some of you.

We were able to try the mini vanilla, chocolate chip, and chocolate chocolate chip cookies, all of them deliciously crunchy.  We laid out 3 cookies for each person, and a glass of regular milk for dipping the chocolate cookies in, and chocolate milk for dipping the vanilla cookies in.  (Please use rice milk or nothing if you have a dairy allergy instead!)

The verdict: YUM! Seriously, all three, gobbled up quickly.  We especially appreciated that the vanilla cookies came in a box filled with little individual portion bags, like many of you who buy goldfish snack bags may be familiar with.  It's super convenient, especially if you are buying for more than one kid.

Our only request: please make individual bags for the chocolate chocolate ones too!

Since other companies are starting to get hip to the ideas that there is a market for allergy-friendly cookies, we have also put together this complete list of treats you can buy that are both allergy friendly and kosher.  We will keep this list up as a link in our "blogroll" and will be sure to update it when we can.

*Full disclosure: the cookies were provided to us from the Home Free Company, but all comments, thoughts and opinions are solely courtesy of Poker Chick.  Thanks, Home Free peeps, for letting us try your food!

ALL children deserve to be safe at school.

This is preventable, people.