It's the End of the Year, and You Want to Give Me Money.

Perhaps you missed the email.

I sent you another note reminding you about the end of the year, and well, you haven't responded yet.  I know you're busy so don't worry, that's why I'm sending you a third reminder.

You see, I know you want to give me money.  You just haven't gotten around to it yet.  And I hate to see you miss out on something I know you want to do, so I've taken it upon myself to remind you several times that the end of the year is rapidly approaching and well, time is running out.  I am certain you are just not aware of this fact so it is up to me to remind you.

Give cash.  Give checks.  But whatever
you do, don't give me coins.
They're too damn heavy.

I know you are a busy person.  I know you have other demands on your time and money.  Of course, you could be helping starving children in Africa, but have you considered the alternative of seeing just how your funds are spent and making an impact on one person?

A small donation could buy me a nice bottle of tequila.  A little more could buy me that new coat I've had my eye on.  Or perhaps, you're feeling generous and would like to fund a spending spree at Sephora, makers of all things good?  Throw in a couple more dollars and I may even treat my child to something nice too.  Or maybe not.  On second thought, I'll have a second fundraiser for that.  That would be diluting your generosity and we wouldn't want to do that.

In exchange for your end of year donation I will give you a letter which you can give your accountant, who will promptly tell you there's no chance in hell of deducting that from your taxes.  He might use big words like "fraud" and "scam".  Don't worry, this is standard procedure.  You will be grateful to him for opening up your eyes before you gave even more, and he will feel like he finally earned that high fee he's been overcharging you for years.  And me?  Well, I will be able to spend just a little more this year.  See how that's a win-win for everyone?

The best part of a gift to me is that it's a gift that keeps on giving.  In fact, if you're feeling particularly generous this year, I will thank you by personally calling you next year to see how we can outdo this year's funds.  Together, I know we can do great things.  That is why I'm sending you this third email.  Because I know you wouldn't ignore a note from me, so I am smiling imagining how grateful you will be for my reminding you about this wonderful opportunity before it's too late.  No one has your back quite like I do.

The good news is that the economy is in an upswing! Even my friend from Nigeria isn't asking people for money anymore.  Sure, you can chalk it up to spam filters but  I know it's because he's finally gotten himself out of the hole.  Surely if he can do it I can too.

So please, if you've found yourself reading one of my free articles and chuckling, remember how much it cost for you to get that laugh.  And consider giving back.  After all, if every person who read my articles gave just $3, my fundraiser would be over in an hour, and I'd have a whole $15 to spend at the casino.

Isn't that a good cause?

Remember, before you overspend your money on that big New Year's party you're going to black out for most of anyway, consider an alternative way to spend that hard-earned cash.  After all, don't others deserve to party until they black out too?

Just a few days left until the end of the year.  I know you'll do the right thing.

Five Reasons to Celebrate Thanksgiving Abroad

As some of you know, this year we decided to have ourselves a little adventure this Thanksgiving. We like to call it the Great Thanksgivingukkah, Catalonia-style.

Many people drive for hours to see their family, or brave the airports to get stuck at snow-filled connections, just to see their family for a few hours.  This is, as many like to say, par for the course.

Thus, we decided what's a few hours of flying? It was time to celebrate the holiday outside the country!!!  Close your eyes, nap for a few hours and then.....hola, Barcelona!  See how easy that was?

Now, we knew Thanksgiving outside of the U.S. would have its benefits, but in hindsight they were even greater than anticipated.  So behold, our top 5 reasons to leave the country on Thanksgiving!

1) It's the cheapest time to see Europe.  For reals.

2) If you're visiting friends, you can still have Thanksgiving dinner!  We may have been thousands of miles away from home, but we were not without our turkey and marshmallow covered sweet potatoes.

mmm .... malvaviscos rosa y blanco

3) Better wine while you eat, and no football.  You can actually converse with the other guests without having them fall asleep on you!

4) Airports are packed with people flying within the 50 states - international flights? Not so much.  You'd never know we were flying on a holiday weekend!

5) And perhaps the best part of traveling abroad on Thanksgiving: missing Black Friday!  Instead of fighting with strangers in the name of consumerism, we spent our day visiting gorgeous architecture, taking a walking tour of a new city, learning some Spanish history, drinking fabulous coffee, and learning about fun local traditions such as Caga Tio, the Catalonian Christmas log you hit with a special Christmas stick so he poops out presents and candy.  (If you think we're making this up, read more about it here).  Strange to see a culture that brings out the squatting statuettes on the holidays.

Because we like you peeps, we'll spare you the picture of Hello Kitty and her pink turd, which means you'll have to take our word for it on this one.

Caga Tios, everywhere you look.  Every home has one.

A big thank you to our hostess with the mostess

So there you have it.  If you ever get a chance to have yourself a little Thanksgiving adventure outside of the U.S., take it! And unlike this year, you won't have to worry about what to do about Chanukah either.  Though if you do, get thee some Southeast Asian cauliflower/zucchini fritters, which taste just like the real thing. You heard it here first.

Single Mother Suffers from Rare Parenting Fog

Did you hear the one about the single parent who went cray cray?

Of course you did, that's old news.  In today's news, a single mama has a rare flash of clarity and suddenly realizes she cannot do it all.

While sources tell us others have recognized this for years, the inexplicable failure to recognize this earlier can be attributed to only one thing: Parenting Fog.

While not yet classified by the CDC as an official disease, anecdotal evidence suggests Parenting Fog can be a very real and dangerous condition.

Signs and symptoms of the condition may vary, but often include long commutes, fretting over school lunches, and volunteering for mystery steering committees at schools.  Parenting Fog should be strongly suspected when these steering committees are at an unknown school where their child does not attend.  Other common symptoms include failure to return calls and emails, asking questions over and over again (such as: "Who are you?"), and eating expired food while standing.

Now there are reports of an alleged antidote to the condition that must involve a very carefully concocted combination of friends, copious amounts of alcohol, and truffle mac and cheese.  Unfortunately, the FDA was not available to confirm this due to the shutdown of what can only be described as a large group of men and women collectively suffering from Parenting Fog at the same time.

Because really, that's the only plausible excuse for what is going on in DC right now.  

What we'd like to tell our thoughtless fearless leaders.

And with that, if you're looking for this single mama, she'll be relieved of her moment of clarity.

Should she suddenly disappear, you just might find her transporting large vats of mac and cheese and wine to our legislators down south.  

Oversimplifying Politics

Four years ago, when Obama was first elected, we came home from work and asked a three year old mini if she knew what a President was.

"Yes!", she exclaimed! We learned it in school!

Excited that her school was taking on educational responsibilities we had clearly neglected, we rejoiced.  So we asked her, what was a President?

"He is a black man who lives in a white house."

Well, who are we to argue with that?

At the next presidential election, we brought her with us to the polls, let her pull the lever, and proudly wear the "I voted!" sticker.  We then colored in states red and blue together as CNN announced the results on TV.

So it shouldn't have come as a surprise that she was upset at not being able to join us at yesterday's New York Primary elections.  After promising she could come in November, we tried to explain what a Primary was.  This led to the inevitable question:

"Am I a Republican or a Democrat?" 

Oy.  Can't you just ask why Daddy and I got divorced again? That one was easier.

After trying to subdue her with assertions that you can't possibly know until you're 18, that's why you don't have to choose until you're that old, it was clear she wasn't going to take no for an answer.  So, in an effort to get everyone to sleep that night, we attempted to over-simplify politics for a third grader.

"Do you believe that any 2 grownups who want to should get married, even boys and boys and girls and girls?"
"Yes!"
"Do you believe the government should help you with money if you don't have a job?"
"Yes!"
"What about helping to pay for doctors and medicine?"
"Yes!"
"Will you pay some taxes from the money you make to help pay for these things?"
"NO WAY!"

Well, kid, we stand corrected.  You're more firm in your positions than most politicians today.  Happy voting.

Squeezing the Balloon

One wonders why it's been so long since we've posted.

Is it writer's block? Hardly.  Is it lack of subject matter? Nah, one subway ride alone per day is enough for subject matter in this here city.

Then what?

Well, as one friend puts it, we've been "squeezing the balloon".
 

It's simply really.  Do one thing and you have time to blog.  Do 10 things and.....you get the idea.