Are you a Thinker or a Doer?

Faithful readers will have noticed that Poker Chick has entered the next phase of technology. Counters, tables, pictures, what will she think of next? Well she's got something up her sleeve: POLLS! Yes, Poker Chick is currently working on some cutting edge poll technology. Alas, she was not clever enough to figure out said technology in time for this post. Had she done so, you would have been asked to make this website interactive by telling us whether you, reader, are a thinker or doer.

In the meantime, Poker Chick encourages you to post your thoughts. Doer, thinker, whoever you are - let us hear your story!!! Meanwhile, here is hers:

Thinkers vs. Doers
After many years, Poker Chick has finally come to terms that she is not a Doer. She never has been and never will be. Some highly active doers have names for the non-doer: wimp, baby, princess, sissy, lazy-ass, what-have-you. Poker Chick has watched athletes for years with the erroneous impression that these people are somehow better than us frail geeks. This is not so! Poker Chick hereby announces that all people in the world can be divided into two categories: Doers and Thinkers.

How did she arrive at this brilliantly simple conclusion? Observe:

Activities Poker Chick Enjoys. Watching television and movies. Reading about television and movies. Going to theater and ballet. Sleeping. Gambling. Shopping (Must be 3 hours or less.) Doing crossword puzzles. Reading dirty magazines. Surfing the web. Traveling to big cities around the world. Analyzing people. Analyzing research and numbers. Writing. Sunning herself. Talking. Exercising. The lying on floor, stretchy, pilates kind. Walking. The slow, daydreamy kind.

Activities She Does Not Enjoy. All team sports. Skiing. Tennis. Scrapbooking. Rafting. Golf. Kayaking. Sailing. Biking. Hiking. Surfing. Fishing. Boating. Horseback Riding. Driving. Camping. Running at any speed less than 18 mph.

How did Poker Chick learn this, you ask? Well, the big "Aha" came when Poker Chick realized she enjoyed helping her friend re-write a creative brief about hemmorhoidal wipes. Now before you laugh, 'tis true. There are nuances in the anal hygiene category that are indeed quite fascinating. New product launches. Generic competitors. A significant purchase barrier of consumer shame. It's quite a challenge to market such a product. How can one not find this interesting? So yes, Poker Chick would rather do the extra work than she would get up off her ass and get her heart rate up (Sorry, dear readers. She couldn't let that one go). Clearly, she is a thinker.

Are there anomalies? Sure. Poker Chick likes to dance. And swim. But dancing is more the drunken, let's sing-along variety. And while Poker Chick is indeed a most capable swimmer, swimming is more of the "let's float on our backs and look at pretty fishies in the warm water" variety of swimming.

Now Poker Chick fully concedes that doers have many benefits overall. They're generally better looking. Toned, fit, healthy. They're happier (or at least oblivious to their own despair). They enjoy things called "hobbies".

Thinkers, however are often overlooked, and Poker Chick always roots for the underdog. We're small, but powerful. We're often more intelligent, sophisticated and worldly than the average doer. Thinkers are thought-leaders; enjoying quiet success in business, politics, media and more. We may be chicken. We may be soft. You may never want us on your softball team. But we'll kick your ass at poker. And if you put down that racket for a minute, we might even make you laugh.

Personally, Poker Chick would much rather be a thinker.

Something has happened to Poker Chick. She is very sad. For reasons unknown, she seems to have lost her mojo. If anyone should happen to have information on its whereabouts, or even just an anyonymous tip, please contact the 24-hour mojo rescue service.

Poop, There it Is!

Ah, poop. Whatever you call it (poop, poo, doody, stinky, caci, number two, feces, sh*t, dump, turtle head, etc..) you know what it is. In fact, no other word in the english language has more synonyms than the word "poop". No, really, it's true.

Now, if you're, err, regular - you probably know the answer to this question: What's your poop style? Are you a morning person? Are you a reader? Are you unpredictable?* There's no better way to understand this taboo subject than to change thousands of diapers. Poker Chick has always wondered whether poop style is more about biology or psychology? Fortunately for you all, she's done a case study on Poker Chick junior.

THE HYPOTHESIS
Poker Chick believes that the biggest predictor of poop style is the presence or absence of Mommy.

THE DATA
No doubt, readers are now laughing or rolling their eyes. But Poker Chick has been documenting this phenomenon for over a year. She presents to you the irrefutable results:

1. Babyhood: Poker Chick begins to suspect that something is amiss. She spends many hours stuck at home, attached to the kid by her boobie. Daddy is in charge of most diapers on the weekend, but takes a couple of hours off here and there. Poker Chick junior holds her urges until the minute Mommy's in charge again. Every single time. Daddy changed about one poopy diaper in the entire six month period. This is not an exaggeration.
2. Toddlerhood: The child goes like clockwork. One and only one load a day, every single day, from 12-1. Except when Mommy's not there at the time. Some recent examples:
   

• Poker Chick works a half day. She arrives home at 12:30, hoping to have escaped the dreaded poop. She's most pleased (sorry my darling) to hear that her dear friend had already suffered the diaper change. Poker Chick was safe. But wait, what's this? Yep, that's right, Poker Chick junior saved an extra one especially for Mommy. 10 minutes after she got home.

• Poker Chick runs some errands. She secretly schedules them around the "danger zone", only to find out that the child has spared her Daddy. Poker Chick is treated to not one, but two diaperfuls that day.

Now you readers of science may be questioning this "Data", but fret not: these were truly controlled experiments conducted over a period of several months. Poker Chick took great care to make sure all other variables were kept the same: the same amount/type of food was served, same water, same schedule. She even made sure that meals ingested the previous day were the same on many ocassions, to eliminate that factor (pardon the pun). Poker Chick went to great lengths to test her theories. She specifically hired babysitters at key hours. She planned errands and meetings around these times, hoping to leave anyone else with the duty that day (sorry, couldn't resist). All variables were indeed kept constant with the exception of the caretaker.

THE DEBATE
The intellectuals amongst you will find ways to rationalize this. For example, recent studies have been published that claim a child's poop smells better to its mother than to anyone else. These studies posit that it's some sort of biological defense mechanism to ensure that these poor kids stay clean, thus reducing their chance of contracting a life-threatening disease. Poker Chick promises you this is just not true. It smells just as bad to the child's mother, and anyone that will tell you otherwise is just telling a socially acceptable lie.

So, nu, why do these babies torture their poor mothers so much? There are three current theories:

1. Someone has entered into some sort of cosmic contract with the child, making her promise to poop for her mother as often as possible.
2. Poker Chick has more super powers than she thinks; one of which has made her into a human laxative for children. There is support for this theory: put a newborn into Poker Chick's arms and observe the scrunched up face within five minutes.
   
3. Poop has more to do with pyschology than it does biology, giving a whole new meaning to people we refer to as "stuck up" or "loose".
   

Which theory is true? Any and all suggestions are appreciated. Until then, Poker Chick will be busy trying to figure out how to reduce her sense of smell.


*Note: This is a rhetorical question. Please do not share your answers with Poker Chick, even though she's already predicted which readers will disregard this request.

Poker Chick has officially decided that cake is an underrated and undervalued item. Particularly if it's choclate. With frosting. Lots of frosting. Mmmm.....

'Twas the Night Before Christmas

Poker Chick can be sentimental. No really, it's true. For one night, she has decided to publish a list of things she is grateful for. In no particular order, of course. Listen closely for hidden shoutouts. As always, you know who you are. We'll start with the media. How could one call herself an ad girl without giving glory to media? Poker Chick thanks the following communications g-ds:

TBS. The annual 24-hour marathon of "A Chrismas Story" has just begun at 8pm EST. It's just not Christmas without Ralphie and his official Red Ryder carbine-action 200-shot range model BB rifle. With compass, of course.

NBC. For airing Seinfeld, one of the funniest shows ever. The show that created its own pop culture with phrases like "Hell-o-ooooo!", "No soup for you," "No, you're Schmoopie!" "Serenity now!" and "La la la!" She still laughs every time she watches Elaine's character yell "I hate this thing! And here's what I'm doing with it!" And, of course, Poker Chick thanks the character of George Costanza for: "Remember, it's not a lie if you believe it." Presently, Poker Chick offers NBC her thanks for not canceling Studio 60. At least not yet.

FOX. For 24. Poker Chick is eagerly anticipating the new season, itching to see how much of a bad-ass Kiefer Sutherland will be this year. She is also thankful for Homer Simpson's "D'oh!" Similarly, Poker Chick thanks whomever came up with using "F*ck" as an expletive. It's quite a satisfying word for the mouth, and sometimes, no other word will do.

CNN. Anti-Israel bias aside, Poker Chick thanks the 24-hour news network for hiring her good friend and bringing him back to New York.

The Movie Studios. What would Jews do on Christmas without movies? Poker Chick has fond memories of seeing a movie every year. Yes, she'd go to the famed Water Tower Place in Chicago and catch a flick with her grandmother. A lovely tradition that endured from Poker Chick's 1983 US debut until college. The reason for this was of course that the 'rents could not survive without their annual winter pilgrimage to Vegas. Ironically, "A Christmas Story" came out in 1983. Coincidence? Hmmm.....

And now, Poker Chick will offer her thanks to actual people:

John Cleese.

JJ Abrams. For all of "Lost" and the first season of "Alias." And for giving a great job to an acquaintance of a friend of a friend of a friend who Poker Chick used to chat with on the bus to work.

The Creators of Sephora. Where shall we begin with lauding the best thing that's happened to beauty since Vogue? Sephora, Poker Chick thanks you for the faboo blue glitter eyeliner she wore last night (which by the way was rock, not goth, ahem). She thanks you for helping her keep her babysitter, therapist, cousins, secret santas, and countless other people happy. She thanks you for continuously adding great brands, eliminating the schlep from store to store to get the goods. She thanks you for creative marketing genius, such as the "airplane-friendly beauty" section on your website. Ah, Sephora. Poker Chick's claim to vain would be nothing without you.

Honorable Friends of Poker Chick. Poker Chick is truly grateful for all her fans. She is grateful for those who actually take the time to read her useless musings (Anyone there yet? Anyone? Someone please read this. Please?) She's grateful for friends who can always be counted on for good food, good wine, and a good time. She's grateful for the party planners. The restaurant bookers. The friends who sent the phones ringing just minutes after receiving an email airing some, er, frustrations. Even crossing international lines. The doctor friends with magic powers to alleviate Poker Chick's worst fears. The parent friends who offer invaluable BTDT advice. The friends who are actually family. The friends who offer love, moral support, laughs, comments.... (sharp readers will observe the subtle hint here).

The Bald Man. For creating a new chocolate culture worldwide.

Poker Chick Junior. This section would be longer, but apparently some of you are sick of hearing "do you know what she did today?"

Poker Chick's Roots. Thanks to her family, Poker Chick will never run out of things to write about. There's never a dull moment.

Poker Chick's Employer. For giving her a job. For keeping her employed. For validating her education. For allowing her to use expletives at work. And for paying her to do something she actually likes to do.

And finally, we must all be grateful for:

Poker. For becoming a growing sport, and a reason for Poker Chick to discover ESPN. For inspiring Mimi. For beginning to bring the hip back to AC. And of course, for the creation of Poker Chick.

HAPPY CHRISTMAS, EVERYONE!