Excuse Me Please, My Grace is Gone

While some of you know Poker Chick better than others, you're all no doubt familiar with her clumsiness (hey, it's endearing!) Lately she's been at her finest. Here's a banner example. It's written in the first person for a change.


Thursday: I go to an early appointment before work. Being the lazy-ass that I am, I of course don't set my alarm much earlier than usual, which means no time to blow dry the hair. I'm also arrogant and stubborn, so I assume this will not be an issue: I'll get a taxi right away. Now a reasonably intelligent person would have perhaps thought that it might be harder than usual to get a cab a day after a snowstorm; not to mention one where it's so cold all the ice has frozen. But we're not talking about a normal person. We're talking about Poker Chick (that would be me). Can you guess what happens next?

Real hard, right? Yeah. So I can't get a cab to save my life. After 15 minutes of trying and several blocks of walking I concede defeat and wait for the bus. My ears are so cold, they literally hurt. Like burning hurt. I've got no hat of course. Hey, know what happens to wet hair in the cold with no hat? It freezes. It froze into the scrunched-up curls I had tried to achieve. Eventually, it thawed at work, but still had that "frozen" look all day. Fortunately, I was able to not break it while it was still frozen. (I learned that lesson the hard way after several repeat ice storms my freshman year of college.)

When I finally made it to my appointment, 40 minutes and two bus transfers later, I'd practically missed it. So I went to work. After defrosting, I decided I was ready to look like a normal person again. I put makeup on (yep, that step got skipped in favor of extra sleep as well) and took my jacket off and my snow boots off so I could put on the nice black boots that went with my awesome new-ish black dress. Now, it was at this point that I finally breathed a sigh of relief. I was dressed. The hair was almost dry. I had my "Poker Face" on (ha! I kill me!) As I grabbed my soft boots I felt re-energized and ready to start my day. That was when I went to put one on and realized I had been schlepping the wrong boots with me all morning.

This left me with three options:

1. Walk barefoot in the office all day
2. Wear snowboots with the dress all day or
   
3. Wear 5-year old out-of-style ankle boots with a knee length dress

Um, no. None of the above please (though for the record if forced to choose I'd pick option #1 without question).

But I wasn't forced to choose and couldn't accept defeat again. So there went my relief and on came the snowboots and jacket. I'd decided to cab it and run home and back to get the right shoes. I was all the way at the lobby when I realized I had one dollar in my wallet. Sigh.

So up I went again. At this point, I was so determined to not look like I wasn't put together, I decided I had to get those shoes no matter what. In desparation, I borrowed money from Lauren. Yes, the eager hard-working woman who used to be on my team. She's barely two years out of college and makes so little dough, she can't even afford internet access at home. But I borrowed money from her anyway. This is how low I've sunk in the name of vanity.

I'm pleased to report it worked out eventually. By 11 o'clock that morning I was a decent-looking, non-snow boot wearing, working woman again.
And my debt has been repaid (in fact I think Lauren may owe me money now....)

Sadly, such is a typical day in Poker Chick's life. Those who aren't satisfied might want to hear the one a week earlier when I spilled soy sauce all over my carpet. Immediately after, I dragged my brother on a dare to get carpet cleaner downstairs at Rite Aid, even though I was in my pyjamas. If you want to hear more of this klutzy story (or choose from hundreds of others!) feel free to find me off-line. I can tell them with much more dramatic effect in person anyway.

Valentine's, Schmalentines.

If you're a true fan of Poker Chick, it should come as no surprise that she hates Valentine's Day. No, despises. That's a better word. Wait! Loathes. Yes, Poker Chick loathes Valentine's Day. Those marketers at P&G had it right when they declared "Dump Cupid" in their Herbal Essences campaign.

If you have to ask why, then Poker Chick must shake her head in dismay. Why not? How can anyone fall victim to a made-up day that was marketed by Hallmark into a high-pressure event. Do you even know its origin? Legend has it* that on the evening before St. Valentine was to be martyred for being a Christian, he passed a love note to his jailer's daughter that read, "From your Valentine." This was around AD 307. Since then, in 1969 (interesting choice of year), the Catholic church removed St. Valentines Day as an official holiday from its calendar. Later, in the 1980's, the diamond industry joined forces with Hallmark and flower shops to up the ante. It began marketing "Valentine's Day" as an ocassion for giving jewelery. Did you know that today, one billion cards are sent worldwide each Valentine's Day?* This is second only to Christmas.

Clearly, one must declare their love to all they care about on this day, or suffer the consequences. What? You didn't get a card for your true love? No dinner reservations? No 1,000% off-season, marked up roses? Shame on you, you evil, evil human!!!

Those without romantic attachments are woefully reminded of their single status any time they walk into a store, surf the web, pick up a magazine, or turn on the TV. Those with secret crushes must dramatically confess on this day alone, or lose their window of romance forever. Dear, g-d! How did anyone know how to express their love before "Valentine's Day"?

Now perhaps Poker Chick sounds a bit cynical to you. But consider this, should you really get a "get out jail free" card for not expressing your love every other day of the year? Showing someone you love them shouldn't be relegated to a single day. And the importance of love shouldn't be so undermined by making it socially acceptable not to communicate it on every other day of the year.

Poker Chick knows that she is not alone in dreading this wicked holiday. Therefore, for those of us who feel "left out," Poker Chick will follow a tradition inspired by Frank Costanza. Yes, she is now declaring a new holiday on February 14th for those who wish to avoid the fat naked baby with a bow and arrow at all costs. It shall be called........

CASINO DAY.

Stay tuned for details.


* Source: Legend
* Source: The Greeting Card Association

Poker Chick's Brief Foray Into Sports

The big old news was the ad Poker Chick worked on that all of America saw in this year's Super Bowl. Though it may be over, Poker Chick still accepts congratulations, cash and other material gifts.

Are you a Thinker or a Doer?

Faithful readers will have noticed that Poker Chick has entered the next phase of technology. Counters, tables, pictures, what will she think of next? Well she's got something up her sleeve: POLLS! Yes, Poker Chick is currently working on some cutting edge poll technology. Alas, she was not clever enough to figure out said technology in time for this post. Had she done so, you would have been asked to make this website interactive by telling us whether you, reader, are a thinker or doer.

In the meantime, Poker Chick encourages you to post your thoughts. Doer, thinker, whoever you are - let us hear your story!!! Meanwhile, here is hers:

Thinkers vs. Doers
After many years, Poker Chick has finally come to terms that she is not a Doer. She never has been and never will be. Some highly active doers have names for the non-doer: wimp, baby, princess, sissy, lazy-ass, what-have-you. Poker Chick has watched athletes for years with the erroneous impression that these people are somehow better than us frail geeks. This is not so! Poker Chick hereby announces that all people in the world can be divided into two categories: Doers and Thinkers.

How did she arrive at this brilliantly simple conclusion? Observe:

Activities Poker Chick Enjoys. Watching television and movies. Reading about television and movies. Going to theater and ballet. Sleeping. Gambling. Shopping (Must be 3 hours or less.) Doing crossword puzzles. Reading dirty magazines. Surfing the web. Traveling to big cities around the world. Analyzing people. Analyzing research and numbers. Writing. Sunning herself. Talking. Exercising. The lying on floor, stretchy, pilates kind. Walking. The slow, daydreamy kind.

Activities She Does Not Enjoy. All team sports. Skiing. Tennis. Scrapbooking. Rafting. Golf. Kayaking. Sailing. Biking. Hiking. Surfing. Fishing. Boating. Horseback Riding. Driving. Camping. Running at any speed less than 18 mph.

How did Poker Chick learn this, you ask? Well, the big "Aha" came when Poker Chick realized she enjoyed helping her friend re-write a creative brief about hemmorhoidal wipes. Now before you laugh, 'tis true. There are nuances in the anal hygiene category that are indeed quite fascinating. New product launches. Generic competitors. A significant purchase barrier of consumer shame. It's quite a challenge to market such a product. How can one not find this interesting? So yes, Poker Chick would rather do the extra work than she would get up off her ass and get her heart rate up (Sorry, dear readers. She couldn't let that one go). Clearly, she is a thinker.

Are there anomalies? Sure. Poker Chick likes to dance. And swim. But dancing is more the drunken, let's sing-along variety. And while Poker Chick is indeed a most capable swimmer, swimming is more of the "let's float on our backs and look at pretty fishies in the warm water" variety of swimming.

Now Poker Chick fully concedes that doers have many benefits overall. They're generally better looking. Toned, fit, healthy. They're happier (or at least oblivious to their own despair). They enjoy things called "hobbies".

Thinkers, however are often overlooked, and Poker Chick always roots for the underdog. We're small, but powerful. We're often more intelligent, sophisticated and worldly than the average doer. Thinkers are thought-leaders; enjoying quiet success in business, politics, media and more. We may be chicken. We may be soft. You may never want us on your softball team. But we'll kick your ass at poker. And if you put down that racket for a minute, we might even make you laugh.

Personally, Poker Chick would much rather be a thinker.

Something has happened to Poker Chick. She is very sad. For reasons unknown, she seems to have lost her mojo. If anyone should happen to have information on its whereabouts, or even just an anyonymous tip, please contact the 24-hour mojo rescue service.