Step away from the cheese, peeps.

This message will always be true, peeps.

Ahhh, Valentine's Day.   You're expecting some sort of snarky post, aren't you?  Well, surprise! If you've got a hankering for some classic Poker Chick, you can read our favorite Valentine's Day post circa 2007.  Cracks us up, every time.  No, really...read it.  Please?





This year we're bypassing the usual cynicism; partly because we'll never be able to top our favorite post from 2007, and partly because this year we seem to have unearthed some hidden *gasp* optimism.

You see, this Valentine's day, things are different.  Poker husband moved out a while ago, though we can't legally call him that anymore.  We're checking that "other" box on forms now.  While we're no experts on this subject, based on what we've seen in the movies and pop culture (which must be true, right?) the usual pattern is this: big fight - maybe even violent, someone yells sweet nothings such as "they're how old?!" or "your secretary, how could you!", someone moves out and overpays for a tiny hotel room, everyone is notified immediately, the lawyers are summoned, someone starts dating too soon, one wants the other one back but they're not interested, then they decide they do want them back and the other is now sleeping with their best friend, lots of drama, families involved, no one speaking to each other, yadda...yadda... yadda...

That's how it works, right?  Oh, not quite? Interesting.

So that wasn't the case here either.  Just a plain old boring case of two good people trying to be good parents and struggling to do the right thing and be [mostly] mature about it.  For mini's sake, that's all we're going to say about that. 

Which brings us back to Valentine's Day, clearly!  You'd think that our first Feb 14th as a single mother would bring us down.  But we're determined to create a happy home with some new traditions, and somehow Valentine's Day has us thinking about the people we love, and the people who have supported us, and we can't help but feel this wonderful appreciation for those loyal friends and family who were there for us.  And so we had a sudden urge to buy mini a card, which we didn't understand.  And then we had a sudden urge for chocolate, which we did understand.

And then we had this epiphany that we didn't actually hate Valentine's Day.  We still hate the cheese and chintz, but the concept? Not as much.  We realized that we were trained to hate Valentine's Day:  Jews don't celebrate it.  It makes people feel lonely and left out.  Mom was diagnosed with an inhuman fatal illness that day.  You know, the usual excuses.

While those were all very, very good reasons to hate this day indeed, it finally occurred to us that those were other people's reasons, not ours.  We actually don't have a reason to hate it ourselves.  So this year we're trying love and a couple of cards on for size. 

Ahh, anti-Valentines...

we will always love you so

But don't even try to come near us with those candy heart things or we'll barf all over you.  Just sayin'.  Love and optimism aside, it's still horribly offensive.  Cheese is still cheese peeps, no matter how you slice it.  You can quote us on that one.
 

And how do YOU make school lunch?

Most parents we know are constantly on the lookout for new lunch ideas for school.  Between nut free and needing to be healthy, and (in our school at least) kosher/no meat, it's not easy to figure out a lunch.  Even without those rules most kids we know have a repertoire of about 2-3 lunches tops that they will eat at least a little bit of.

We have yet to see a school year where the parents are asking each other for lunch ideas.  But, how far does one go to get their kid to eat lunch?

Recently, we discovered this Pinterest page of "easy lunch ideas".

Who, who, WHO has this kind of time on their hands?

So we ask fellow parents out there, does this look easy to you?  Because we're wondering who the heck has time for this level of effort?! Not that we don't applaud it, but seriously?  Every working parent we know, or stay at home parent for that matter, simply does not have that much time to devote to lunch.  In this house, "extra effort" in lunchmaking means using cookie cutters on sandwiches to try and make them look cute, and when that doesn't work, resorting to note writing telling mini the minimum she needs to eat.  And yes, perhaps a cute drawn animal face does the telling. But still, that's 30-60 extra seconds, tops.

Have we missed out on some secret? Is every other parent out there spending 30 minutes on gourmet lunches.  We continue to waffle between feeling guilty that our laziness efficient 10 minute lunchmaking is impacting our child's nutrition, and feeling smug that we save the extra time that would be wasted when she doesn't eat it anyway.

Is this a city thing? Are suburban peeps spending this much time on their lunchmaking? We'd love to hear people weigh in on this one.   

So we ask: is our bar too low for "easy lunch"? Are we just inept lunchmakers who would take 30 minutes to put together an "easy lunch?"  Or is the real issue the fact that a real "easy lunch" board would just not be nice enough to look at?

Discuss.

(And while you're at it, if anyone has some actual easy school lunch ideas that don't involve meat or nuts, we're all ears...)

Carnivals and Cartoons

Big thank you to Libby for including us in this week's Food Allergies Blog Carnival. Go read The Allergic Kid and your lunchbox will never be the same.

In the meantime, if you share our rather twisted sense of humor, you may enjoy the cartoon above.  If so, check out her blog where Tiffany regularly posts cartoons on this subject.

How Motherhood Turns You Into a Sentimental Sap

As we write this, we are going back and forth to check on a sleeping child, to savor the last few breaths of the wonder that was six years old because we're just not ready for the seven year old we will see tomorrow.  
 
Happy birthday, mini.  May you one day know the joy of having your insides shaken up every day.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Recently, someone asked us to to describe the experience of parenting and we didn't quite know where to begin.  There's the honest, yet cheesy answer about loving another little human being more than you ever thought you could.  Then there's the more honest answer, which usually has the words "exasperated" and "smack" somewhere in the same sentence, along with [insert favorite expletive].

Hmm. None of that tells you what it feels like to be a parent at all, does it? 

Perhaps this is closer: imagine, on a daily basis, at random unpredictable times, someone took out all your insides, shook them up, threw them on the street, stomped all over them, and then put them back in your body in the wrong order.  We're talking heart in your stomach.  Emotions where your brain used to be.  Memory, coordination, overall executive functioning, all constantly needing readjustment.  Your ability to sleep through the night thrown out the window, even in lands far far away.

You second-guess everything you say or do.  All confidence and previously acquired knowledge hovers somewhere around your nether regions as if you're some kind of alien life form re-learning how to be a human all over again.  You're constantly being challenged to be a better person, identify your values, rethink your ideals, keep your promises, do good unto others, do what you say.  You feel like someone is always watching you.  Mostly, because someone is always watching you.

Exhibit B: Female finger, post parenthood

Exhibit A: Female finger, pre parenthood

You do not recognize yourself.  You fight off all inner alarms screaming "alert! alert! domestic hell ahead of you!" and go to places like the Container Store and Buy Buy baby anyway, even if they are so overwhelming that all you want to do is run the other way.  You ignore all introverted tendencies and forcefully, even publicly take on any teacher, lawmaker, or adult that gets in the way of what you think is best for your child without giving it a second thought.  You wonder how you let a little 2, 3, 4 year old boss you around and how you ended up wrapped around their cute little finger.

Exhibit C: Child's finger wrapped around adult's.  That's what they want you to believe, peeps. 

You hear yourself say things you'd never have thought would come out of your mouth.  Words like "what do you mean, you don't need me to wipe your poop anymore?" and "I'm going on that sleepover with you!" come out of your mouth so fast you don't have time to clap your hand over your mouth before you think to yourself "whatthefuck. who said that?"  You get so used to reciting "get your hand out of your mouth" at the end of every sentence that you start saying it unconsciously to grownups.  (Worse, still, this doesn't bother you.)  You can't stand it when your child is always hanging off your arm, yet when you are walking around without them it feels like one of your arms is missing.  You are so sleep deprived you want to cry, but at the same time the thought of sending this little person off to sleep away camp or (gasp!) college gives you panic attacks.  Speaking of crying, you do a lot of this.  You cry anytime you hear about a kid anywhere getting hurt, you cry anytime your kid says something endearing, you cry anytime you watch oneofthosesappyfuckingendofschoolyearvideos, you cry when your child wishes you a happy Mother's Day in earnest, and you cry at all those commercials with babies in them because watching all those babies reminds you that yours is not a baby anymore and then that thought makes you cry, which just makes you wonder who is in your body and what someone did with the real you.  You know, the one who was not the soft, sentimental sap you see before you.

That, peeps...that...we think, is a much more accurate description of what it feels like to be a parent.


*Note, if you're interested in an even better description of parenting, click here.  Could not have said it better ourselves.

On Our Soapbox

We're asking for trouble, we know.

But if someone could take a minute to explain our constitution to us, that'd be swell.  Because, we thought we learned about this little thing in our constitution called the first amendment, which calls for separation of church and state.  Since we were in the third grade and since we were young and gullible we believed it. 

Here's where we get stuck.  Let's say you believe in this whole separation of church and state thing, which we'd like to.  OK, OK, so the first amendment doesn't actually mention separation of church and state.  But since no one is challenging the interpretation let's just go with that common implication for now.  What does it mean? No religion in schools.  No religion in politics.  So say you're some qualified person white male still running for the republican candidate for president.  Episcopalian, mormon, it really doesn't matter so long as you believe in Jesus and remember to thank him in your speeches.  Still, supposedly your religion is not supposed to influence your politics, right?

Now also explain to us how is it that you are opposed to something like same sex marriage?  What is it about it that bothers you?  Do you not believe in equal rights for all citizens?  Wait, you say you do? Then the answer can only be one of two things: a) your best friend is a cartoon character named Cartman or b) your church says so therefore it must be true.

Bam. Wethinks religion just dictated your political agenda. 

If this guy's running your campaign, you have bigger issues

Let's give you the benefit of the doubt and assume you are above all that stuff, and that you can support a bi-partisan agenda regardless of your own personal or religious beliefs because you believe in democracy.  Then, you're going to have a little problem called "getting your party to actually vote for you".  Because no serious Republican candidate can ignore their party's cornerstone: christian evangelicals.  Take our friend Santorum, for instance.  Days after an evangelical endorsement his campaign contributions are up 50%. 50% peeps!!  He's so flush he can finally afford to go to-to-toe with this guy in South Carolina.  CNN quotes: "Newt Gingrich's campaign is working to limit the fallout of that decision."  Interesting.  Reading between the lines, this means Gingrich is likely to be doing more speaking out on behalf of "conservative values" and less for civil rights to win his evangelicals back.

Oh, and did we mention that "conservative values" is politically correct code for religiously-driven agenda?  But then again what do we know?  We're just another, dime-a-dozen, Ivy-league educated liberal Jew who can make up words like "wethinks" because we feel like it and ignore all proper grammatical rules for kicks.

It's a good thing our current president, a democrat, has the sense to check all religion at the door as it has no place in politics in a country where christians and jews and muslims and atheists live side by side.  It's a good thing he's not thanking his god in his speeches or doing any funny business like that.  It's a good think religious holidays like Christmas aren't national or school holidays.  Oh, wait...

Can we please just call a spade a spade?  Can we at least admit that religion plays into our politics whether we like it or not?  Then and only then, can we begin examining where we have fallen short of our democratic ideals.  As Betty Ford said, admitting you have a problem is the first step to recovery.  Or...wait, maybe was that was something someone said to Betty Ford.  You think we know the answer to that? As if.  Go ask a white male, will you?  And when you're done with that, let's have an honest debate about what role religion does (and should) play in our supposedly agnostic political system.   

Off our soapbox now.