Post # 201: Shoutouts to Fellow Chicks

Time for reader appreciation, which we don't do enough. June had more readers than any other month in Poker Chick history, so first shout out is to everyone reading this! (also code for: don't get snippy if you're not on this list. We still love you.)

Following is the result of a sudden urge for girlfriend appreciation...

Sophie and Gray Matter Chick for being new and loyal fans, making PC laugh, digging up trash like Phat Damon, eating Cheetos and making good use of the word "peeps". Awesome stuff.

Amy, a longer-time fan, for being a single working mom of two while still retaining her coolness. We also give props to her unwavering commitment to Hebrew School. You go, girl.

Emily for not losing our number despite two overseas moves, one constantly traveling husband, three homes, new house renovations, several rounds of preschool applications, two countries, one near-published book, two children, and one in her belly. Phew. You got all that?

K-girl (aka long-haired blondie), for her patience, friendship, silliness and crossword puzzles. Three kids and a job and the girl still can play poker like nobody's business. Bacon. Did we mention silliness? We know you're laughing chica.

S-girl for late-night giggles (yes, giggles) and phone check-ins despite living in 4 (or 5?) cities over the past few years. Also for last-minute pop-ins which are about to resume in the reverse (that's a hint, dearie. What goes around comes around :))

The "ladies who lunch" because yours truly would never have made it alive through the last 3 years and 4 months without you (not that we're counting or anything). You chicks rock, even if one of you lives in bloody Canada.

Goddess-lady for being around through thick and thin, birth and death, travels around the world and all the way to the East side. This month you get to be a Thai and Australian goddess too.

UK's wife (what other code name could we use?) for being a sister, aunt, cousin, friend all in one person. You're fabulous.

W - for being a friend, mentor, role-model, and proving that you can love your job as long as you love who you're doing it with. Also, quite funny (are we sensing a theme here?)

One final shoutout to L-girl who's getting married!!! Woo hoo! You should see the rock, peeps.

If you're all wondering wherefore this sudden emotional outburst and wherefore all women (very unusual for PC, read this for context), look thee to Sex & the City. Poker Chick just saw it last night. It was cheesy. It was cliche. She loved every minute of it.

Insert foot in mouth....here

And this, peeps, is what turns out to be our 200th post. How fitting.
Not surprisingly, Poker Chick is clumsy with words too. Which results in a lot of cases of her foot in her mouth. Tonight's was classic.

While standing at the open door, waiting for the delivery guy to arrive with dinner, Poker Chick was asked if the dishes weren't done or if she thought the dishwasher was breaking. She stated emphatically "it's the dishwasher!"

Unfortunately, she shouted this right as she turned to greet the delivery guy.
Doh!

Your Weekly "Spam"

Poker Chick has a pretty juvenile sense of humor. For example, tonight she was baking bread and working out in her head how to knead and whether to use the breadmaker. The phrase "I need to knead..." came up a couple of times until she realized it amused her and kept repeating it. The rest of the household, not so much with the amusement. That's the point. Yours truly is notorious for cracking herself up. No one else. Just her.

So if you're not at least mildly amused by the above, you'll probably want to skip this post. But if you're an oddball too, then this series may be for you.

It's about a bunch of junk.

Junk mail. See, with top-notch spam filters most of us don't have to even look at our spam anymore. So we all just assume it's the same old "V\agra" and "you're pre-approved!" scams.
We don't realize that very recently, spam seems to have crossed the line from annoying to entertaining.

Lucky for you, you have Poker Chick to tell you what you're missing. So, until good tv returns, Poker Chick will collect amusing headlines and post them for you.

Buy generic CializViagra, Xamax and Valiun
(ah, the good ole' trick the spam servers with the mis-spellings)
A good man deserves a better life. -Time is money. Rolex watches.
(Who knew Rolex was doing viral marketing via spam?)
Put your hands up for quality's meds!
(hands up, baby hands up....)
Feel yourself more manly
(yes, baby! I can feel it!)
Your tool will be really heavy after green pill
(ok. this one just scares me.)
Would you like to be my husband?
(eeew. I don't swing that way.)
Gentlemen prefer ladies wearing Bvlgari accessories.
(Yes! A return to messaging of the 1950s! I just knew dressing to please men would come back in fashion someday!)
Dear xxx@gmail.com give your wife one a night full of love!
(Gotta give 'em props. Personalizing it makes ya look. Anyone know what "one a night" means?) Job hunting without the needed degree!
(this one's just sad 'cause you know loads of peeps are falling for this crap)
Impeccable reputation of Patek Philippe watches.
(impeccable indeed.)
Live your life, prescription-free - we are fully certified to supply medications
(this one is almost too funny to be true)
Usher and Rihanna making out
(ah, it's the old lure 'em with celebs trick)

And finally......spam of the week....

Barack Obama would be proud - Let the girls figure out how you get such a well-endowed anatomy
(omg, you have gotta be kidding me! c'mon, man. You're talking Democratic nominee for President! Like, running to lead a whole country. Have some respect. But it does make one think. If people are willing to sink this low, how come we never saw headlines like this for George W.?)

Poker husband pointed out that there was no headline from our Nigerian friend asking for money. We can only assume he got all the money he needed this week. Check back next week to see if he's back in the hole.

The Script if I Were a Judge on Iron Chef....

Once in a while, a girl's gotta experiment. If you know Poker Chick IRL, you could probably write most of this yourself. If not, please to be amused.

Chairman: Today's secret ingredient is.......BUTTER!!!

Mmmmmm.........butter.

Battle Butter is a tough one. Iron Chef fat guy battles fancy shmancy restaurant owner. Both literally sweat it out as they use tools you've never seen or heard before (the giant parmesan slicer! the sausage pot! the bonito flaker!) A third chef (we'll call him famous balding cook) provides color commentary.

Poker Chick watches this "frenetic culinary battle" intently, along with her fellow judges:
Mrs. Hatsushihamamama (Japanese housewife and sometime food critic who lives in Poker Chick's imagination), Fukui-san (imported commentator from Iron Chef Japan) and that dude from Queer Eye. Finally, the moment, arrives. Poker Chick is presented with a series of small plates, each weirder than the next. She takes a fork and pokes at her
food.

"What's this?"

"This is a local delicacy where I come from. Polenta cakes on arugula, topped with pureed cow brains."

"Um, right. Where's the butter?"

"The butter is in the flavor. You have to taste it, you can't see it."

"I see. What else you got, big guy?"

"Voila, anchovies and tomato paste with mango salsa. That's a whole boiled baby quail right next to it."

"Eew!"

(Eyes stare disapprovingly on Poker Chick now)

"Where's dessert? Don't you have to make a dessert too?"

"I am sorry, there is no dessert"

"There's five courses. But there has to be dessert!!"

"I'm afraid there is not. But please, taste this butter-fried cod with lamb tongue. It's divine."

"Five courses and no dessert? But you peeps always make dessert!"

(Blank stares. Apparently, they don't always make dessert.)

"What's this?"

"First of all, I believe the word you are meaning is 'people'. Now that is a baked cheese flan with frisse greens and tomato coulis. It is in a cup made from the wax paper surrounding the butter."

"That's so friggin' cool! "

(picks up fork, clearly entertained)

"Now it was tough to pull off in an hour, but on top of what you are eating is special eel sauce. It really pulls the flavor of the butter out."

(tastes, gags, spits out)

"Phhhhttt! That's gross, right there."

"Well, I am certain you'll like my final dish. It's a butter BLT".

"Oh, that's bacon. I don't eat bacon."

Chef leaves, dejected. Challenger shows up.

"I don't suppose you made dessert either, did you?"

(chef beams)

"But I did. Butter-soaked bananas with valrhona chocolate."

"Can't eat bananas. They're icky."

Something tells me Poker Chick would not be invited back to the show. Despite what one might think, battle butter was not butterific.

A different kind of butter battle.

One Shake With a Side of Guilt, Please

(a.k.a. allow me to get on my soapbox for a moment....)

C'mon, Poker Chick can't be the only that finds the calorie thing a total buzzkill!?

Don't we all know a large frappucino with chocolate chips, syrup and a mound of whipped cream is bad for you? Do we really need to be reminded that what we're about to consume is "wrong"? 

We realize this is all well-intentioned.  America's trying to get healthier. Hey, we're a nation of fatsos.  Poker Chick applauds the effort.  Seriously.  Salad options at Mickey D's.  Apple slices at Subway. Starbucks switching from whole to 2% milk.  It's all good.  

But the calorie thing has got to go.  The information was always available to those who cared.  But now, before you order yourself a big, cold, delicious frappucino, the fact that it'll set you back 600 calories for the day is in your face.  

Mmm....Butterfat.  Sugar.  Sodium.  Dee-lish.

No good can come of this blatant reminder. This new cashier guilt thing is akin to a dietician standing over you with a whistle while you try to eat a Snickers Bar.  There's no way you'd finish that candy.  No one could.  But, if (like most people) you're human, one of two things will happen:

1) You'll get really, really pissed at the guy with the whistle

2) You'll pretend to thank them, then scarf six Snickers bars for dinner when no one is looking

What's Poker Chick's question?  That's exactly the question! What's the point?  

Even if you say "fuck you" and order that frappucino anyway, let's be honest.  That giant sign is going to suck all the fun out of it.  

Again, all good intentions.  But America's got it all wrong.  Whoever thinks that making more people guilty about eating certain foods is the road to healthier eating is kidding themselves.   All it's going to do is reinforce our unhealthy relationship with food.  How do you think Americans got so fat in the first place?

Can't we just reduce portion size, make more healthy food available, walk more often, and save the "treats" as actual once-in-a-while, enjoyable treats?  In the meantime, let's get rid of the calorie police, peeps, and let me enjoy my damn frappucino in peace.