Friday, December 27, 2013

It's the End of the Year, and You Want to Give Me Money.

Perhaps you missed the email.

I sent you another note reminding you about the end of the year, and well, you haven't responded yet.  I know you're busy so don't worry, that's why I'm sending you a third reminder.

You see, I know you want to give me money.  You just haven't gotten around to it yet.  And I hate to see you miss out on something I know you want to do, so I've taken it upon myself to remind you several times that the end of the year is rapidly approaching and well, time is running out.  I am certain you are just not aware of this fact so it is up to me to remind you.
Give cash.  Give checks.  But whatever
you do, don't give me coins.
They're too damn heavy.

I know you are a busy person.  I know you have other demands on your time and money.  Of course, you could be helping starving children in Africa, but have you considered the alternative of seeing just how your funds are spent and making an impact on one person?

A small donation could buy me a nice bottle of tequila.  A little more could buy me that new coat I've had my eye on.  Or perhaps, you're feeling generous and would like to fund a spending spree at Sephora, makers of all things good?  Throw in a couple more dollars and I may even treat my child to something nice too.  Or maybe not.  On second thought, I'll have a second fundraiser for that.  That would be diluting your generosity and we wouldn't want to do that.

In exchange for your end of year donation I will give you a letter which you can give your accountant, who will promptly tell you there's no chance in hell of deducting that from your taxes.  He might use big words like "fraud" and "scam".  Don't worry, this is standard procedure.  You will be grateful to him for opening up your eyes before you gave even more, and he will feel like he finally earned that high fee he's been overcharging you for years.  And me?  Well, I will be able to spend just a little more this year.  See how that's a win-win for everyone?

The best part of a gift to me is that it's a gift that keeps on giving.  In fact, if you're feeling particularly generous this year, I will thank you by personally calling you next year to see how we can outdo this year's funds.  Together, I know we can do great things.  That is why I'm sending you this third email.  Because I know you wouldn't ignore a note from me, so I am smiling imagining how grateful you will be for my reminding you about this wonderful opportunity before it's too late.  No one has your back quite like I do.

The good news is that the economy is in an upswing! Even my friend from Nigeria isn't asking people for money anymore.  Sure, you can chalk it up to spam filters but  I know it's because he's finally gotten himself out of the hole.  Surely if he can do it I can too.

So please, if you've found yourself reading one of my free articles and chuckling, remember how much it cost for you to get that laugh.  And consider giving back.  After all, if every person who read my articles gave just $3, my fundraiser would be over in an hour, and I'd have a whole $15 to spend at the casino.

Isn't that a good cause?

Remember, before you overspend your money on that big New Year's party you're going to black out for most of anyway, consider an alternative way to spend that hard-earned cash.  After all, don't others deserve to party until they black out too?

Just a few days left until the end of the year.  I know you'll do the right thing.

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