Problems With Our Second-Graders

Exhibit A: Typical second-grade humor

Since we seem to have lost our funny of late, we'll share a story from mini.

At baseball practice today, we were eavesdropping just hanging out and overheard her talking about what sounded like a joke with a friend.  All we heard was "see, a mom, a dad and a baby are on a plane..."

Bored and curious to hear what seven year-old kids find funny these days, we asked to hear the rest.  Apparently the mother dies on the plane, the baby disappears, and the father comes home, looking for the baby, only to find it sitting happily at home.

"How did you get home" asks the father?

The baby, apparently a prodigy, replies with a song, to the tune of "This Old Man".

"You went pfffftttt [insert loud fart sound]

I went zoom! [say in sing-songy excited voice]

That's how I got back so soon...."

We were of course, shocked.  Killing off the mother?  Letting the now-widowed father think his child is gone? Really? Poor taste and serious offensiveness aside, do we need to start educating you on the elements of story structure and how this has no relevance at all to the flatulent story they're trying to tell?

There's a clear answer to this problem.

We need to help our kids come up with better fart jokes.

Moin Moin Speaks

Follow the adventures of our new fuzzy friend as this sweet little lamb navigates the complicated world we live in today. 

Yes, Some People Really Are This Ignorant...

A great way to respond to this ignorant comment...

(Thanks to Tiffany for creating this cartoon!)

5 New Year's Resolutions I will NOT be making

Inspired by my friend Theresa, the following is a list of resolutions I can't help but feel I should be committing to, yet deep down I know that pigs will fly before that happens.  Therefore, this year, instead of making resolutions like everyone else, I have decided to UNmake resolutions.  Anyone can start off a year with a self-improvement list, but starting off a new year by admitting to your limitations and getting them out of the way, well now that is the better way to go, don't you think?

Join me, will you? It's especially freeing to spend some time admitting to the various things we suck at now, thus saving us copious time and energy for focusing on doing more of the things we are brilliant at, such as mocking people and stealing friends' french fries.

2012 New Year UNresolutions:

1. Don't try to eat healthier - having tried the trendy 3-day juice cleanse in fall 2011 with disastrous efforts I think I will continue the path I have already taken of simply trying to eat more apples/grapefruits/oranges etc. and less sweets.  But only slightly less.  Because I do love those cupcakes so, and let's be honest - I'm not going to go without even if I say I will so why make myself feel guilty about it?

2. Forget about exercising more - everyone starts out the year by saying they'll exercise more.  Do you really want to start of your year being just like everyone else?  I didn't think so.  Now, I'm not saying exercise is bad.  Some of our friends even like it (ahem, Miranda, I'm talking to you here....).  And perhaps this will be the year I will find more time for this.  But to make it a goal? I'm a working mother, for crissake!  I leave home at 7:15am and any day I have the chance to put on undereye concealer on both eyes before I am out the door - it's a good one!  Adding trying to exercise to my day of juggling school drop off, umpteen work meetings, constant emergencies all day long, and finding a minute to pee - well, it just ain't gonna happen.  When I have the time, I will do it.  In the meantime I shall be perfecting my finger waving; at the very least my hand muscles will be strong!

3. Organization is for sissies - soooo many people declare that this will be the year they will finally get organized! My arch nemesis The Container Store capitalizes on this human commonality and January is one of their busiest seasons.  They work with their friends, the conspirators whose sole purpose is to make those of us lacking any domestic knowledge feel like lousy parents Real Simple Magazine to prey on people while they are vulnerable and sell them all sorts of things like mail organizers and belt organizers and useful things like toilet paper organizers, all in the name of good intentions.  They thank you for your $25, you feel good for a hot second, and then the tzotchke takes up space in your teeny apartment as you look at it day after day resolving to organize this mess of organizers you have in your home.  Not that, um, we would know anything about that sort of thing, of course. 

4. You'll never finish that to do list you never had time to make in the first place - this one is self-explanatory peeps.  Some of you will not relate, and for those of you who can - well, you know who you are.

5. Redefine "volunteer" - if I were a betting woman, I'd go ahead and say that the following phrases uttered in one's head on occasion may sound familiar to some of you:                                                                                      
"This Thanksgiving, we're taking the whole family to a soup kitchen to give thanks for what we really have"

"That's it! These kids are so spoiled! I am going to make them donate all the presents to charity. Or at least one."

"I am going to give money to a homeless shelter and alleviate my guilt at not giving to every person I walk by..."

You may be well intentioned-peeps, but making promises to yourself you know you won't keep will just make you feel guilty and actually less inclined to reach out and help someone.  So this year, I am going to re-define volunteering and try and do more of the "volunteer" activities I already try to do on a regular basis such as helping out at school, helping an elderly relative with their mail, talking to a friend who is sad, or baking pumpkin bread for a friend or neighbor just because you know they like it.

So there you have it.  5 resolutions I will NOT be making this year.  Happy un-new year to you.

A Little Boxing Day Advice

With Christmas on a Sunday this year, the whole country has Monday off as a national holiday.  Which means one thing: more people shopping day-after-Christmas sales than ever.

So in the spirit of consumerism, let us give you a little Christmas shopping advice from this New York Jew. 

Just because it's on sale, doesn't mean you should buy it.

Seems simple, yet so many people ignore this advice.  "But Poker Chick", you might say.  "40% off! When do you ever get zebra-print earmuffs this cheap.  And sheets!  Egyptian cotton sheets at 60% off! So what if they don't match anything in my bedroom, it's the bargain of 2011!  And --- oh my goodness, it's the brown and crisp! I've seen this on TV! Just think about all the money I will save not ordering in."

We know, we know.  This advice is a total buzzkill and seems especially odd coming from a woman who told you about all the wonders of Sephora.  But that's when you're looking for something specific.  It's the impulse purchase, rationalized by the word "sale" that we are convinced has something to do with the financial crisis our country is in.  See, retailers are counting on this "60% off saves me money!" mindset.   We've fallen trap to this ourselves.  And it's great when you were going to buy that anyway.  But if it wasn't on your list, just remember, you can be smarter. 

The real math is this: 40% off $100 is still $60 more than zero.

Instead of shopping, might we suggest you maybe use that day to get a jump on your New Years' Resolutions, such as catching up on your correspondence.  You can use the first note to send yours truly a thank you for saving your wallet.

Happy Boxing Day, peeps.

The Halloween Horror Snow

New Yorkers were taken by surprise today by the first October snowstorm in the city since....well, ever.

The snow messed everything up.

Occupy Wall Street protesters were brutally reminded of the generators they had lost just one day ago but chose to stay and freeze.

Other Manhattan residents were just dumbstruck.  Had it ever snowed in October? Well, technically there was a quarter inch in 1925 but with vanity sizing and all that a quarter inch in 1925 is probably less than a tenth of an inch by today's standards anyway.

What is the reason for this bizarre weather?

Well, some people think the end of the world is upon us.  One theory is that we all died May 21 and are now in some alternate universe without knowing it.

That's one way to go.

Another theory is that while the world didn't end on May 21, a chain of events was set off that will build up to our imminent destruction. 

People who subscribe to this theory were doing giant "I told you so!" dances in August after the Gotham City was hit by an earthquake and a hurricane, in the same week.   Since then, residents have been bracing themselves for locusts and cattle sickness, as surely these must be next.

Others are saying the May 21 date is really October 21, and they too are probably doing little dances today.

These are all interesting theories.  But we have another one.

You see, none of it made sense until now.  The earthquake, hurricane, both of those were rare, mild, and technically the earthquake wasn't even anywhere near New York.  So to link this recent snowstorm, a storm that brought us thundersnow, no less, to those events is odd.  Thundersnow, peeps!  Do we have to hit you over the head?

Clearly, we must blame the Canadians.

Is it a coincidence that the bizarre October event coincides with the arrival of several friends' relatives from up North? We think not.  Is it a coincidence that just one day prior, the team that won the World Series just happened to be the one closest to Canada?  Did you think it was a coincidence that this event happened exactly one hundred forty-four years, 3 months and 29 days after Canada officially became a country? Do you not see these facts staring at you in the face?

It was only a matter of time before those mild-mannered folk up North finally realized they had twice as much land as everyone else and set out to conquer the rest of North America.

It's a genius plan, really.  First, they hit us with their freak snow and next thing you know there's Caribou all over the place and every tap in the city is filled with Molson.  Then, when we're weakened, they hit us with (gasp!) their socialist medicine and gun control laws. We must stop them before it's too late!

Betcha thought those guys were dressed up for Halloween, didn't you?

Did you not see those Royal Canadian Mounties riding around the village today?  You didn't actually think those were Halloween costumes, did you?  That's exactly what they want you to think.  They're stealth, these snow-lovers, we tell you.  Stealth.  But what else would you expect from a nation whose first official citizen was named Snorri?*

Fortunately, we're onto them.   So next time you see a whole bunch of Canadian tourists "in town" after a bizarre aberration of Mother Nature, be on guard.  We're just saying.



*You can't make this stuff up! "Snorri", born in Vinland around 1000 A.D, was the first North American child to be born of European parents (Thorfin and Gudrid).

Sanctuary Thinking in Progress

Happy New Year Peeps!

Hope those of you celebrating had an enjoyable holiday and enjoyed some non-dry brisket.  We are currently working on our pseudo-annual "Notes from the Sanctuary" post so please feel free to send any and all suggestions. 

In the meantime, please to enjoy the archives.

Thoughts from the Sanctuary, Part II

or the original

Confessions from the Sanctuary

The Comeback App

This post from another food allergy mom got me really PO'd.  Too many of us face unnecessary opposition when trying to advocate for our kids' safety and (gasp!) emotional well-being.  So we had a brainstorm.  We at Poker Chick inc. are going to develop an app (as soon as we get an app developer. Digitwhirl are you out there?)

What will this app do, you ask?   It's simple.  It's inspired by one of our favorite Seinfeld episodes where George spends an inordinate amount of time and money to deliver his too-late "jerk store" comeback.  

This app will be a repository of comebacks for every inane comment you've had to endure while trying to educate ignorant and sometimes hostile people about your or your child's food allergies.  Yes, we can see the online infomercial now:

Tired of walking away from a frustrating meeting, only to think of a comeback way too late? Tired of feeling at a loss for words when someone makes a ridiculous and absurd comment in response to your request for help managing your child's food allergies?  Help is here! You'll never have to kick yourself again!  Introducing the Food Allergy Comeback App, a comprehensive repository of brilliant comebacks that can be used for any situation.  See how this valuable tool works:

Principal: "We have to deal with kids that have real medical conditions"

Without this app, a comment like this might get your blood boiling but you don't have to suffer anymore!  Just pick the appropriate setting, scroll the available comebacks, and voila! You'll put that smug principal right in her place and walk out feeling confident and proud. 

The snappy comeback: "Is stupidity a real medical condition?"

The put her in her place comeback: "Of course. Let's wait until the child has a near-fatal reaction and discuss this in the ICU"

The high-ground comeback: "Food allergies are a physical disability protected by the ADA. Over the past year, several students have died due to lack of policy in schools, and the most tragic part of these deaths is that they were easily preventable". Pause while you take out epipen, benadryl, dr's note, and anything else you don't leave the home without.

Optional add-on for any of the above: "So suck it, lady!"

But that's not all! You'll also have comebacks for those questions you're tired of answering, questions like:

The well-meaning parent: "Oh no! This is terrible! When will they grow out of it!"

The doesn't want anything to do with you waiter: "I'm afraid we can't accommodate you.  It's just not safe enough, and we don't want to put your child at risk.  We're only thinking of their safety."

The grandparent you want to smack upside the head: "In my day we had none of this allergy business, we just ate whatever our parents gave us". 

The airhead babysitter: "Oh, right, the epipen. Sorry, I didn't think it was that big a deal".

The ignorant (and apparently illiterate) relative: "But it's milk!" (it's almond milk)

Yes, we think this app could be a very good thing indeed.  If anyone out there wants to send along suggestions for comebacks, or for lines they need comebacks for, we will happily start collecting these for all!  

 

Breaking News!!!!

Poker Chick invites readers to "pay it forward".

Thank you, Tina!

I was right! How often do you get to say that?

So much so, turns out, that NBC pounced on the likeness Poker Chick called over a week ago. The resemblance is so uncanny that even as she types this, Poker husband is still challenging, claiming that it really is Sarah Palin on SNL's season premiere opening. Let's all re-watch Dave and do some scenario planning, shall we?


How many of you think McCain would win hands-down if Tina Fey was his actual running mate?

Hell, yeah.

And now, it's time for a laugh

Poker Chick continues to scour the blogosphere. This post admonishing frivolous lawsuits made her laugh out loud so maybe it will do the same for you. We're beginning to fantasize now...Poker Chick v. mean old bus lady....