5 New Year's Resolutions I will NOT be making

Inspired by my friend Theresa, the following is a list of resolutions I can't help but feel I should be committing to, yet deep down I know that pigs will fly before that happens.  Therefore, this year, instead of making resolutions like everyone else, I have decided to UNmake resolutions.  Anyone can start off a year with a self-improvement list, but starting off a new year by admitting to your limitations and getting them out of the way, well now that is the better way to go, don't you think?

Join me, will you? It's especially freeing to spend some time admitting to the various things we suck at now, thus saving us copious time and energy for focusing on doing more of the things we are brilliant at, such as mocking people and stealing friends' french fries.

2012 New Year UNresolutions:

1. Don't try to eat healthier - having tried the trendy 3-day juice cleanse in fall 2011 with disastrous efforts I think I will continue the path I have already taken of simply trying to eat more apples/grapefruits/oranges etc. and less sweets.  But only slightly less.  Because I do love those cupcakes so, and let's be honest - I'm not going to go without even if I say I will so why make myself feel guilty about it?

2. Forget about exercising more - everyone starts out the year by saying they'll exercise more.  Do you really want to start of your year being just like everyone else?  I didn't think so.  Now, I'm not saying exercise is bad.  Some of our friends even like it (ahem, Miranda, I'm talking to you here....).  And perhaps this will be the year I will find more time for this.  But to make it a goal? I'm a working mother, for crissake!  I leave home at 7:15am and any day I have the chance to put on undereye concealer on both eyes before I am out the door - it's a good one!  Adding trying to exercise to my day of juggling school drop off, umpteen work meetings, constant emergencies all day long, and finding a minute to pee - well, it just ain't gonna happen.  When I have the time, I will do it.  In the meantime I shall be perfecting my finger waving; at the very least my hand muscles will be strong!

3. Organization is for sissies - soooo many people declare that this will be the year they will finally get organized! My arch nemesis The Container Store capitalizes on this human commonality and January is one of their busiest seasons.  They work with their friends, the conspirators whose sole purpose is to make those of us lacking any domestic knowledge feel like lousy parents Real Simple Magazine to prey on people while they are vulnerable and sell them all sorts of things like mail organizers and belt organizers and useful things like toilet paper organizers, all in the name of good intentions.  They thank you for your $25, you feel good for a hot second, and then the tzotchke takes up space in your teeny apartment as you look at it day after day resolving to organize this mess of organizers you have in your home.  Not that, um, we would know anything about that sort of thing, of course. 

4. You'll never finish that to do list you never had time to make in the first place - this one is self-explanatory peeps.  Some of you will not relate, and for those of you who can - well, you know who you are.

5. Redefine "volunteer" - if I were a betting woman, I'd go ahead and say that the following phrases uttered in one's head on occasion may sound familiar to some of you:                                                                                      
"This Thanksgiving, we're taking the whole family to a soup kitchen to give thanks for what we really have"

"That's it! These kids are so spoiled! I am going to make them donate all the presents to charity. Or at least one."

"I am going to give money to a homeless shelter and alleviate my guilt at not giving to every person I walk by..."

You may be well intentioned-peeps, but making promises to yourself you know you won't keep will just make you feel guilty and actually less inclined to reach out and help someone.  So this year, I am going to re-define volunteering and try and do more of the "volunteer" activities I already try to do on a regular basis such as helping out at school, helping an elderly relative with their mail, talking to a friend who is sad, or baking pumpkin bread for a friend or neighbor just because you know they like it.

So there you have it.  5 resolutions I will NOT be making this year.  Happy un-new year to you.

Allergic Reactions from Blood Transfusions?

Doctors in the Netherlands recently reported that a 6-year-old boy with an allergy to peanuts went into anaphylactic shock after receiving a blood transfusion from donors who had been snacking on them. 

Apparently 3 of 5 donors had had peanuts the night before donating blood.  This is not paranoia, it's legit, and just appeared in the NEJM.

Non-nerdy peeps will prefer the quick, layperson's read, found here.

Adventures in Fruits & Vegetables

Day six

Breakfast: Green apple with some raw honey

Lunch: Green salad, tomato, cucumber, feta, olives, tossed with plain oil and vinegar

Snack: "Detox" juice made with carrot, cucumber, lemon, apple*

Dinner: Baked sweet potato, plain turkey burger, roasted brussels sprouts

No, we're not on a diet.  It's the Jewish low carb diet Passover, and there's two more full days to go.

In the meantime, while you're counting the minutes until you can order a pizza, please to enjoy this vintage Poker Chick commentary on Passover from three years ago. We were trying to write something new and witty, but really this pretty much says it all.


We Were Slaves in Egypt, and I'm Hungry, Dammit!

Oh, and Happy Easter to you peeps out there celebrating.  Enjoy your peeps and all that. (sorry, couldn't resist!)

*only because it was hot, we were hungry, and Pinkberry yogurt apparently contains rice starch. Evil torturers!

Study Shows People Don't Give A Crap About How Much They Eat

According to a recent CNN article, we can post the calories in as many eating establishments as we like,  it's not going to make a lick of difference.

"But Poker Chick", you ask? "You can't possibly mean using guilt as a tactic to remind overweight people how much they're really eating isn't going to bring about a positive change in eating habits?  That we can't heal a nation of obesity with a few easy signs?"

That's exactly what we're saying, as a matter of fact.  Too bad these researchers didn't read this post we wrote in June of 2008.  We'd say "told you so", but that would be smug and immature.  We'll just hope that at the very least, those reading this blog are well-informed enough to understand the concept of moderation.

Oh, and we told you so.

This end to our hiatus proudly brought to you by the makers of illegal generic drugs

Today, in the hustle and bustle of the evening commute, was guy holding a handmade sign in the subway.

How is this noteworthy?

Well, it wasn't your ordinary busker. It started out political. Meds like Lipitor are evil. Doctors don't tell you they destroy your liver. Things like that.

OK, so this is headed toward some solicitation for some fanatic group, right?

Wrong.

It was an advertisement for bootleg generic prescriptions meds. Not even branded bootleg drugs. Cheap-ass generic ones. At the end it advised you not to take Lipitor, "Stay safe" and rather than getting your meds from a nationally-recognized insured pharmacy, get them online from this unsavory guy.

So Poker Chick has to ask the obvious question:

Say you're running an illegal, offshore prescription drug scam. You want people to bypass the trusted route of their doctors and pharmacies, look to your dirty salesperson, and order from www.cheapassdrugs.com (or whatever that sign said). Let's just say you're actually the person in charge of marketing for these people.

SAFETY? That's your angle?

Run away, peeps. We're surrounded by idiots.

Facts on Rotavirus

Rotavirus is a serious illness whose pattern is exactly like what the mini experienced (see pity party post). It lasts almost two weeks, and it's hell, peeps. Just so you don't think Poker Chick's exaggerating, the CDC calls it a "highly contagious disease that causes life-threatening diarrhea in young children". Each year, it kills 600,000 children worldwide.

Pictured, above: Evil little Rotavirus bug

In 2006 the FDA approved a vaccine for this, so for those with newborns if your doctor recommends it we seriously advise you to listen. The mini spent 3 days in the hospital the first time around and was rapidly dehydrated this time as well. Though it is uncommon to get a second time, at least so severely, the mini's pediatrician confirmed the rota diagnosis. Interesting side note: studies show that 69% of nurses can accurately identify a child infected by rota in minutes by the smell alone!

The upshot of all this though? Renewed confidence in Poker Chick's parenting skills! Or, at the very least, her uncanny knack for diagnosing viruses. She's not so clueless after all!

How To Throw The Perfect Pity Party

Poker Chick may not be June Cleaver, but there's one party she throws that can't be beat: The pity party. It's an area Poker Chick truly excels in. And in time, you too can be an expert.

We will take you through a case study below, including the steps to do it properly:

1. Objectively cite the facts. Just the facts. No opinion-y adjectives of judgement.

• This weekend there was a funeral in the husband's family
• Big Boy was in town the past 4 days and Poker Chick did not see him
• Poker Chick spent the last two days in jury duty
• The mini is sick
• All her assignments just got put on hold at work
• Poker Chick is a dumbass*

2. Proceed to explain how said facts are negatively impacting life (a.k.a. making the status quo so intolerable there is no way out other than whining!)

3. Link facts to each other to illustrate just how sucky connected to suckier makes things suckiest.

• Bad enough that we had a funeral. It was coming for a long while but it still sucked. Of course, that suggests Poker Chick was actually at a funeral, rather than serving as glorified babysitter to a screaming child outside the whole time with a room full of 300 people that couldn't help. We're told there were some nice speeches. We wouldn't know. The only thing we heard was the guard out front repeatedly asking who he thought was the "babysitter" for some aspirin. He asked several times, even though the answer was clearly not changing. We know what you're thinking. A screaming kid at a funeral. How did our girl not think to bring aspirin. Dumbass. Hey, she is a dumbass! Let's add it to the list of facts above! Now admittedly the aspirin is a small part of this history and probably not worth mentioning. But if you're thinking that, you have a lot to learn about a pity party, so keep reading....
• The mini was sick, though it was at the tail end of a week-long virus. (Note we did not state "very sick" in step 1. While it was tempting, adding "very" would be a judgement). It started with the throwing up, then fever, and a week later it appeared the runny nose and cough was slowly going away. Tail-end? Ha! Poor Poker Chick. She was so gullible but soon learned her lesson. The diarrhea first appeared Saturday morning, in time for the ride out of town. It was quickly followed by toxic gas which was always followed by screams and cries*. The former then re-appeared, though (of course) mostly at night. For some reason, it was not until the second sleepless night that Poker Chick finally connected the dots to Rotavirus***. Which had the poor kid in the hospital two years prior. It was also weird because once you have it you're supposed to be immune to it. But once she thought of Rota and took a whiff around her she realized that's exactly what she was dealing with. And she remembered the last time was in the spring as well. Of course, by the third night Poker Chick felt things were finally turning around and that's when (already tired) the family pulled the all-nighter. Two-to-three times an hour, every hour. ALL NIGHT LONG. Let's repeat. ALL NIGHT LONG. (Let's also throw in a pity part for the husband, who was buying baby wipes at 3am. I mean, who'd have thought we'd have gone through a whole jumbo package in one night!) Needless to say, Poker Chick was talking to the pediatrician during every break in Jury Duty. Or she thinks she was. She was too tired. Or maybe scared. The kid was miserable and seriously dehydrated. And also terrified of what was coming out of her. She kept hysterically screaming "get it out, Mommy!". So sad! Now you'll notice we used the word "sad", which when used in conjunction with a reference to children tends to evoke empathetic emotions, one of which is pity.
  
• Seeing Big Boy did not happen. This was unfortunate. But what was not necessary was the criticism of Poker Chick for it. Doesn't anyone else out there think that during this difficult time it would be nice to get some support from family? Or, at the very least, not get criticism? That was a rhetorical question, peeps. It's for effect. Are you starting to see how this thing works?
  
• Jury duty. Okay, so technically there is no complaint here. It was actually quite interesting, Poker Chick got a change of pace, a change of scenery and met some nice people. But that doesn't help our story peeps! So let's throw in jury duty here and pretend it just made everything worse. You'll see when you try this exercise yourself. We guarantee, it really does make for a better story.
  

So there you have it. The perfect pity party. It's made even better by the fact that all of the above happened in the span of 3 days. Now you get out there and you have your own party!! Whine like it's your birthday!!

*This fact was added later on (see case study section #3)
**The first screams came from the mini, poor kid was in pain. The next came from her parents, who were blown away and trying to breathe.

Kashi* can Kill

Poker Chick is taking a break from mindless chitchat for a minute to talk about an important issue that is currently making her blood boil.

Sadly, an article recently published in Harper's Magazine is vocalizing a scary opinion many parents share (Everybody's gone nuts: The exaggerated threat of food allergies, Meredith Broussard, January 2008). Seriously. She states:

“the rash of fatal food allergies is mostly myth, a cultural hysteria cooked up with a few key ingredients: fearful parents in an age of increased anxiety, sensationalist news coverage, and a coterie of well placed advocates whose dubious science has fed the frenzy.”

Well let's talk about what Ms. Broussard calls "supposed threat" for a second. We'll use an example, say something as simple as a finger food for toddlers. Kids walk around with it in their snack cups all day. But it's got sesame. And it just so happens that my kid is severely allergic to sesame. So one little "mighty bite" could kill her, literally, and it would only take minutes.

Let's say you cared. You'd have a hard time taking care of my kid. You could get rid of them and replace with cheerios. Maybe, but did you wash the container first? If not, she probably got enough sesame just from the dust in the container to get a reaction. What about the cheerios you bought? What if they were made by Kashi? Maybe they had no sesame but were made in the same factory. Maybe some sesame flour from the Mighty Bites line spilled over into the other line. And that is the package my kid happens to be eating. That could be enough to cause shock. Maybe you're giving her another food. You think it's safe, but aren't 100% sure. If you'd have done your homework, you'd know that product has trace amounts of sesame. But you might never know this because sesame is not listed as an "allergen" in the ingredient list. This is because sesame is the 9th most common food allergy in American children, and manufacturers are only required to list the top 8.

Maybe you've understood and taken all the proper precautions. But did you remember to wash your hands and face before watching my daughter? Because the oils from the seeds on that sesame bagel can cause a reaction on her skin. Did you check the lotion you just put on your hands? And finally, if you're secure after all that, do you know where the Epipen is in case it all wasn't enough? Do you know how to use it? Are you sure?

Scared yet? Welcome to my nightmare. It gets worse your kid starts going to school. What terrifies me is that there are people like Ms. Broussard out there. Parents, teachers, public opinion leaders. Not only do they make things more difficult (for what reason? Are you really just too lazy to take some precautions not to bring nuts to school?) but people with this lackadaisical attitude like this pose a huge danger to my child and the millions of others with food allergies.

Please send this to anyone you know who has children or spends time with them. I can tell you firsthand that the food allergy thing is not a crock. It's very real and the only way to prevent is to have grownups understand it and take precautions.

For more information on food allergies, and some real facts, click here.

*Poker chick has nothing against Kashi. It's a very healthy cereal. Just not for people who are allergic to any of its ingredients.