5 New Year's Resolutions I will NOT be making

Inspired by my friend Theresa, the following is a list of resolutions I can't help but feel I should be committing to, yet deep down I know that pigs will fly before that happens.  Therefore, this year, instead of making resolutions like everyone else, I have decided to UNmake resolutions.  Anyone can start off a year with a self-improvement list, but starting off a new year by admitting to your limitations and getting them out of the way, well now that is the better way to go, don't you think?

Join me, will you? It's especially freeing to spend some time admitting to the various things we suck at now, thus saving us copious time and energy for focusing on doing more of the things we are brilliant at, such as mocking people and stealing friends' french fries.

2012 New Year UNresolutions:

1. Don't try to eat healthier - having tried the trendy 3-day juice cleanse in fall 2011 with disastrous efforts I think I will continue the path I have already taken of simply trying to eat more apples/grapefruits/oranges etc. and less sweets.  But only slightly less.  Because I do love those cupcakes so, and let's be honest - I'm not going to go without even if I say I will so why make myself feel guilty about it?

2. Forget about exercising more - everyone starts out the year by saying they'll exercise more.  Do you really want to start of your year being just like everyone else?  I didn't think so.  Now, I'm not saying exercise is bad.  Some of our friends even like it (ahem, Miranda, I'm talking to you here....).  And perhaps this will be the year I will find more time for this.  But to make it a goal? I'm a working mother, for crissake!  I leave home at 7:15am and any day I have the chance to put on undereye concealer on both eyes before I am out the door - it's a good one!  Adding trying to exercise to my day of juggling school drop off, umpteen work meetings, constant emergencies all day long, and finding a minute to pee - well, it just ain't gonna happen.  When I have the time, I will do it.  In the meantime I shall be perfecting my finger waving; at the very least my hand muscles will be strong!

3. Organization is for sissies - soooo many people declare that this will be the year they will finally get organized! My arch nemesis The Container Store capitalizes on this human commonality and January is one of their busiest seasons.  They work with their friends, the conspirators whose sole purpose is to make those of us lacking any domestic knowledge feel like lousy parents Real Simple Magazine to prey on people while they are vulnerable and sell them all sorts of things like mail organizers and belt organizers and useful things like toilet paper organizers, all in the name of good intentions.  They thank you for your $25, you feel good for a hot second, and then the tzotchke takes up space in your teeny apartment as you look at it day after day resolving to organize this mess of organizers you have in your home.  Not that, um, we would know anything about that sort of thing, of course. 

4. You'll never finish that to do list you never had time to make in the first place - this one is self-explanatory peeps.  Some of you will not relate, and for those of you who can - well, you know who you are.

5. Redefine "volunteer" - if I were a betting woman, I'd go ahead and say that the following phrases uttered in one's head on occasion may sound familiar to some of you:                                                                                      
"This Thanksgiving, we're taking the whole family to a soup kitchen to give thanks for what we really have"

"That's it! These kids are so spoiled! I am going to make them donate all the presents to charity. Or at least one."

"I am going to give money to a homeless shelter and alleviate my guilt at not giving to every person I walk by..."

You may be well intentioned-peeps, but making promises to yourself you know you won't keep will just make you feel guilty and actually less inclined to reach out and help someone.  So this year, I am going to re-define volunteering and try and do more of the "volunteer" activities I already try to do on a regular basis such as helping out at school, helping an elderly relative with their mail, talking to a friend who is sad, or baking pumpkin bread for a friend or neighbor just because you know they like it.

So there you have it.  5 resolutions I will NOT be making this year.  Happy un-new year to you.

Time to change up your New Year's Resolutions

As Poker Chick has a tendency to think strange thoughts, she often wonders what foreigners think of our country. For example, say you're a foreign cultural anthropologist studying various societies and how they observe a new calendar year. And let's say for argument's sake you live in a bubble and are rather unfamiliar with American culture.* And let's say for further argument's sake that instead of interviewing people, you start your study by watching television to understand people.

What you see

• Too many diet commercials to count
• Ads for finally getting out of debt this year!
• Save on your taxes
• Savings on cars - best deals ever!
• A plethora of dating commercials
• Job hunting ads

What you conclude

All Americans must be fat, lonely, broke, unemployed, and lacking transportation.

Think about it. Television is largely a reflection of popular culture. It's a sad, sad picture we paint for the world, peeps.


*Clearly, if this is the case, you're the world's crappiest anthropologist but we're trying to make a point here

And tonight's understudy is....

Typically, these last minute updates aren't the best of news. So imagine Poker Chick's surprise when she looked in her broadway program for the New Year's Day performance of American Idiot only to see that the Green Day frontman himself was playing a starring role that night*.




Surprise! Did she like it when he sang "Time of Your Life" at the end of the show? Yes, she did! Not a bad way to start the new year. More importantly, here's hoping the rest of the year is good to all of you.

Happy New Year from

*For curious peeps, we looked it up. Turns out this was day 1 of a few planned performances. Who knew? Apparently, anyone who had actually picked up a newspaper.

Chag Sameach

Poker Chick would like to wish fellow members of the tribe (and their families) a Shana Tova. If this applies to you, you'll know what it means.

Health, joy, and love to you all. And may you never burn the potatoes.