The Schizophrenic Jew

As we made our Kosher for Passover meatloaf in a pan previously used to prepare a very dairy and wheaty zucchini cornbread just one week ago, it occurred to us that while American Jews are offered a variety of categories to self-identify with, as a culture we are sorely lacking a category for the "Schizophrenic Jew".

The above is a perfect example of the schizophrenia which we refer to.  Generally speaking, if you're keeping Kosher for Passover to the point of switching to Temp-Tee cream cheese for a week, you'll have a separate pan for Passover cooking.  Or at the very least have separate dishes for meat and dairy.  Obviously that was not the case in this example, which we shall refer to as "Proof point number one".

If you only consume this if it's Kosher for Passover, you might be a Schizophrenic Jew

 

What else makes one a Schizophrenic Jew? Many contradictions.  Perhaps you speak Hebrew but can barely read and write.  Perhaps you are currently affiliated with a Reform Synagogue despite an upbringing in a traditional Conservative one, as well as an Egalitarian Conservative one, plus stints in a Modern Orthodox shul abroad, and time spent with friends in a Reconstructionist one.*

The Schizophrenic Jew defines "Kosher" really loosely.  While it's more than just a kind of salt, it doesn't extend much further beyond avoiding pigs and shrimp.  Often it involves avoiding cheeseburgers, but waiting until the plain burger is finished and swallowed before drinking the milkshake.  This Jew may live a 100% secular life, having never observed Shabbat, yet makes a conscious effort to check work email more on Sunday vs. Saturday.

The Schizophrenic Jew may have one Seder or two, depending on how Israeli they want to declare themselves on any given year.  They may know all the "laws" in general yet pick and choose what to follow, and even within those that are chosen they can be changed when it's convenient, which brings us to "Proof point number two".  In this example, the subject in question searched all over for the cranberry sauce without corn syrup yet when eating an omelet at a diner did not ask what kind of oil it was cooked in, deciding to live in the delight of the "don't ask, don't tell" policy at that moment due to extreme hunger.

There are many other varieties of Schizophrenic Jews, but the easiest way to spot one is to ask what their religious affiliation is.  If the response you get is "I have no fucking idea," you know you've found a bona fide Schizophrenic Jew. 

Now, we've given you two double-blind randomized trials of American Jews behaving oddly in the absence of a way to identify with their Judaism.  Isn't it high time we legitimize this phenomena and give these peeps a community of their own? 

As always, you heard it here first.   Happy Passover, peeps.

*Hypothetically speaking, of course. 

Sanctuary Thinking in Progress

Happy New Year Peeps!

Hope those of you celebrating had an enjoyable holiday and enjoyed some non-dry brisket.  We are currently working on our pseudo-annual "Notes from the Sanctuary" post so please feel free to send any and all suggestions. 

In the meantime, please to enjoy the archives.

Thoughts from the Sanctuary, Part II

or the original

Confessions from the Sanctuary

Shalom, Salaam, Peace - and Free Wi Fi!!

Jerusalem. What is there to say about it? It's the capital of Israel, a modern city and also the country's largest. Israel's parliament, the Knesset, is here, as is its supreme court and prime minister headquarters. There are highrises, lowrises, shops, restaurants, cafes. Culture abounds - with internationally recognized artists, musicians, actors. World leaders visit all the time. Almost every language you can think of is spoken here. In this respect, it's a modern, international city in a democratic society.

Modern Jerusalem. This is the "new city". Construction everywhere with many foreigners buying second homes here.

Except it's not that simple.

Its history dates back anywhere from 4,000-10,000 BCE, depending on who you ask. Either way, that's freakin' old. It's the birthplace of monotheism and critical for many of the world's religions. The holiest city in Judaism, third-holiest in Islam, and where Jesus just happens to be buried. Jesus, peeps! That's big stuff.

Therein lies the lifelong dichotomy of this city. It wants to be progressive and modern. Really, it does. New York. Paris. Rome. Jerusalem. It kind of works. But on the other hand, it never really will. Imagine, if you will, taking a tour. You walk on a freshly paved sidewalk, surrounded by shops. Zara, H&M, all the latest fashions. "Here, on your left, is the newest sushi bar, also the trendiest nightspot....".

Impossible to describe the smells of all these spices and incense all mixed together. Not to mention adding in men on the corners smoking hookahs.

You turn the corner. Suddenly you're on cobblestone a car could never go on. "Here, on your right, is where Jesus was resurrected. That corner is where David fought Goliath. Oh, and this was where Solomon did his thinking".

Far right, sign in Arabic in East Jerusalem, in the "shuk".

Middle, woman praying at the Western Wall.See what I mean? The modern thing will never fully work.

The other dilemma with Jerusalem is that everyone and their mother has a claim to this place. Come here and you will see the Arab-Israeli conflict with your own eyes. Fundamentalists on all sides. Haredim and Arabs fighting it out for who can have the higher birth rate. Modern life colliding with tradition.....and losing. Clearly. The weirdest feeling was watching Palestinian children run around, thinking one could have a bomb strapped to them in the near future. Because it's out of this poverty, right here, that Hamas rules. Sad, but don't be fooled, it's true. Not the most comfortable place for an American Jew to be walking around. Let's just say it was obvious Poker Chick did not belong and was not wanted walking around there.

It looks old, but if you look carefully you'll see the "Free Wi Fi" on the orange sign in the picture above.

In reality, it's Israel's capital, but the world does not acknowledge this. It's also the capital claimed by the Palestinians. Or, if you ask someone else, it belongs to the world. Huh. Clearly, an issue.

No matter what happens, it'll always be a history of unbelievable historical significance. To turn a corner and suddenly feel like you've stepped back in time hundreds or even thousands of years is indescribable.

Woman selling grape leaves in East Jerusalem.

It's impossible to talk middle east politics without having seen this for yourself. It will change your whole perspective. Go. Whatever you believe, go. There's nothing else like it.