Trimming the Fat

We're going on a diet. Poker Chick is disgusted with herself these days, and how accustomed she has gotten to the excess. Sure, it's convenient. Yes, it's wonderful and luxurious to indulge. It starts out innocent enough. A little here and a little there. But you add up the little bit of carelessness each day and it's doing major damage. So, like many Americans, Poker Chick has made a resolution.

That's right. No more cabs unless it's absolutely necessary. Every day she will repeat to herself: "Public transportation is practical and economical."

It's time to put this wallet on a diet.

Life Without Cash

Ever wonder what it would be like to be cashless for a week? Now you can stop wondering, because Poker Chick has conducted this experiment for you! Let's see how this works....

Day One
Go to ATM to get cash to pay babysitter. Card gets rejected as expired. Bank is closed and as it's Friday won't re-open until Monday. Go home and call bank. They will take a week to send a new one in the mail. Boo.

Call husband and force him to leave work two hours earlier than planned, so he can go the ATM. Pay babysitter extra money for staying late to wait for him. Double Boo.

Days Two and Three
This is easy enough! Husband can open his wallet for most things, and Poker Chick has enough in her wallet to cover minimal expenses without worrying. Totally doable!!

Day Four
Cash running low. Opt for $5 sandwich instead of $10 salad, get tea instead of fancy $5 coffee drink. Realize there's not enough cash for dinner and slyly reach for husband's wallet when the delivery guy shows up. Make sure to leave him enough to be fair.

Day Five
Repeat Day Four, only this time husband is left with just $5 in his wallet. Poker Chick is down to $2.

Day Six
Buy breakfast for $1.50 at coffee cart on street. Get free copy of New York Post as a bonus. Nice! Maybe Poker Chick should be doing more of this living on the cheap!

Forage for lunch. Soda and apple in office fridge, someone left out crackers, find leftover bag of potato chips in drawer. Forget about cash problem until late in the day. Walk home and realize in horror not only are you cashless but husband has just left town for three days. Feel like 1950s housewife and beat yourself up for being dependent.

Order sushi for dinner so you can justify enough food to allow credit card usage. Feel less like a 1950s housewife and more like a modern woman bringing in her own income so she can eat sushi if she wants to. Enjoy meal and remind yourself to borrow $20 from a coworker tomorrow.

No, Poker Chick did not "eat a bowl of stupid." But ain't this funny?

Day Seven
Desperation. Forget to ask for money, buy $10 salad with credit card. On the way home, look lovingly at a slice of cheesecake and wonder how you're going to scrounge the $4 for this one. Swallow your pride and ask if you can pay with a credit card. Walk away with cake and eat with guilty pleasure and a disturbed sense of accomplishment.


Check mailbox for ATM card and frown at nothing but catalogs. Eat cereal for dinner as you feel too embarrassed to use a credit card again.

Day Eight
Desperation x3. Convince coworkers to order pizza delivery for lunch as it's "raining and you're all so busy". Smile in satisfaction knowing that other colleague who paid will submit for reimbursement and you still got to eat your pizza. Mentally praise your creativity.

4pm. Freakout as you realize you have to pay the babysitter again and husband's flight home is delayed. Doh!

Go home and dance a happy dance as you see ATM card in the mailbox. Have your day ruined as you open and see it's a debit card which you specifically requested NOT to receive. Talk to bank and learn you will have to wait another week for the real one. Throw out every curse word you know.

In conclusion...
Many people may laugh at this, arguing that tons of people are going cashless these days. Everyone (but Poker Chick) has a debit card. Go ahead and laugh. Then Poker Chick will tell you that when people use debit or credit cards instead of cash they spend, on average, 50% more on their purchases. 50%!!!!! That adds up, peeps.

Now who's laughing?

Son, Be a Dentist...

Poker Chick desperately needs advice. Dentists are driving her batty with new, unfamiliar territory. You see, Poker Chick has been lucky thus far. Previous run-ins with dentists have all involved "Say ahh..." and the played "you really need to floss every night". As if. So here's the skinny....

After 2+ years the braces finally come off. $8,000 of torture in the name of vain. Finally, straight teeth! Almost done: just whiten and fix the two front teeth that were never fixed right when broken. Right? Yeah, right.

If Poker Chick looked like this, she'd have no problems

Problem 1: Apparently the only way to fix the two front teeth is veneers. PC doesn't know much about this but the consult pictures were pretty and said fancy "smile man" on 5th ave. wants $2,500 a pop. Also, he wants to do 4, not two. This is out of the question, though ortho says it will "look silly with just two". Silly, my ass. If you think it's so silly then you cough up $10k for your friend. Yeah, didn't think so.

Problem 2: Whitening needs to be done 1-2 months before veneers. This means now. Makes sense, until you add $850 for it. Did ortho say it would be "thrown in" at the end when PC balked at the initial cost? Yes, he did. Did either party write it down? Nope. So unless PC wants to spend nearly another G, she needs to open her newly straight mouth. The problem? Guilt. She's spent two to three years seeing ortho once a month, and knows he's been through his own personal hell this year. She raises the issue politely and gets $200 off, but can't bring herself to force it any more.

Problem 3: In comes politics with committed dentist she's been seeing for 10+ years. Dentist is personally offended that PC is not doing whitening and/or veneers with her. Whitening, sure, but she can't do it for $650 or less. Other problem: ortho says whitening should be done by veneer person. Why? PC has no clue. So, you ask, why not have regular dentist do veneers? Don't know. PC feels it may be akin to letting the surgical intern give you a spinal tap vs. asking for the attending. One person does 1-2 a month while the other person does 1-2 a day. Who would you want doing your spinal tap? But the money! Dang, there's that money. PC just does not have that kind of money. Also, said dentist is now PO'd and PC needs to go and pick up x-rays from her in person. What does one say? "Sorry, I'm with you for the small stuff, but going to the big guns for the cosmetics?" Or is PC being silly. After all, just because one dentist screwed up 20 years ago, doesn't mean they all will, right? Should regular dentist just do it all? Perhaps an elephant with his eyes closed could pop a veneer on. Who the hell knows.
Problem 4: Ortho wants to do MORE braces. Yes, you heard right. Invisalign done. Just one more year of wearing a full-time retainer (bleh). However, he thinks he can get them "a lot better" with a few months of true metal mouth. A lot better? Where else can they go?

Pluses of metal mouth:

• It's included in the original $8k
• After 2+ years, do you really want to stop at 90% because you got lazy?
  
• PC gets that "perfect" bite

Minuses:

• Duh, metal mouth. Scraped up gums. Months of social isolation due to awkward teenage adult face. Argh.
• Icky teeth when they come off. Double argh.
• Does PC even want a "perfect" bite? After a lifetime of overbite, wouldn't she not be herself without one? Do we see Madonna rushing to "fix" her teeth? At some point, when does your face stop becoming your own? After all, nothing else about her is perfect. Why make her teeth perfect? Isn't a total body of slight imperfections perfect enough?

Poker chick has 2 weeks or less to make a decision. If more braces the damn teeth won't be fixed for another year or more. If no braces, then where to whiten? What do we do about the front teeth? Can they be fixed for less than $5k? How do we salvage the original dentist relationship?

Oy vey. This is all enough to make Poker Chick's head spin. If the $13k+ spent on her mouth won't kill her, the stress alone will.

We leave you with a recently obtained quote from PC parent's dentist, circa 20 years ago. "I did the best I could. It's not perfect, but it should hold for about 15 years or so. At that point, she'll be married and her husband can pay for the rest of the work she'll need". Gee, thanks for the legacy, parents.

Kidding aside, opinions and advice needed. Someone needs to make the "Little Shop of Horrors" nightmares stop coming every night.