What will this app do, you ask? It's simple. It's inspired by one of our favorite Seinfeld episodes where George spends an inordinate amount of time and money to deliver his too-late "jerk store" comeback.
This app will be a repository of comebacks for every inane comment you've had to endure while trying to educate ignorant and sometimes hostile people about your or your child's food allergies. Yes, we can see the online infomercial now:
Tired of walking away from a frustrating meeting, only to think of a comeback way too late? Tired of feeling at a loss for words when someone makes a ridiculous and absurd comment in response to your request for help managing your child's food allergies? Help is here! You'll never have to kick yourself again! Introducing the Food Allergy Comeback App, a comprehensive repository of brilliant comebacks that can be used for any situation. See how this valuable tool works:
Principal: "We have to deal with kids that have real medical conditions"
Without this app, a comment like this might get your blood boiling but you don't have to suffer anymore! Just pick the appropriate setting, scroll the available comebacks, and voila! You'll put that smug principal right in her place and walk out feeling confident and proud.
The snappy comeback: "Is stupidity a real medical condition?"
The put her in her place comeback: "Of course. Let's wait until the child has a near-fatal reaction and discuss this in the ICU"
The high-ground comeback: "Food allergies are a physical disability protected by the ADA. Over the past year, several students have died due to lack of policy in schools, and the most tragic part of these deaths is that they were easily preventable". Pause while you take out epipen, benadryl, dr's note, and anything else you don't leave the home without.
Optional add-on for any of the above: "So suck it, lady!"
But that's not all! You'll also have comebacks for those questions you're tired of answering, questions like:
The well-meaning parent: "Oh no! This is terrible! When will they grow out of it!"
The doesn't want anything to do with you waiter: "I'm afraid we can't accommodate you. It's just not safe enough, and we don't want to put your child at risk. We're only thinking of their safety."
The grandparent you want to smack upside the head: "In my day we had none of this allergy business, we just ate whatever our parents gave us".
The airhead babysitter: "Oh, right, the epipen. Sorry, I didn't think it was that big a deal".The ignorant (and apparently illiterate) relative: "But it's milk!" (it's almond milk)
Yes, we think this app could be a very good thing indeed. If anyone out there wants to send along suggestions for comebacks, or for lines they need comebacks for, we will happily start collecting these for all!