Monday, March 5, 2007

Left Behind

Some of you are familiar with hearing Poker Chick say "I'm going to die young one day." Well, now we have proof for you non-believers! Studies have now shown that left-handed people are more likely to die young than the rest of the population. Why? According to experts, it's because we're "accident prone". While Poker Chick will not dispute her own lack of grace, it's unfair to stereotype the entire left-handed population this way. "Accident prone," my ass. Lack of grace is not to blame; society is. Poker Chick feels compelled to educate others about this discrimination.

Flanders is one of roughly 8% who are left hand-diddly-anded. The majority of the left-handed population is male (making us lefty chicks rare and valuable!) Lefties are also more likely to be gay, schizophrenic, and disease-prone. Mmmm....disease.

You right-handers mocking us yet? Well, check out the history. Many of you are familiar with the term "Southpaw," but did you know that the Irish word for us "Southpaws" can also mean "strange person"? In English, the word "sinister" is actually derived from "left". And in Latin, the word for "Right-handed" is "dexter," as in "dexterity." So society thinks we have no dexterity, huh? Well foo on you. The atrocious handwriting us left-handed souls have is only a result of trying to use a right-handed person's instrument, er...pen..

Many key historical figures were left-handed, including 7 US presidents.

Now, Poker Chick has always known this sign of genius was a cross to bear, but it hadn't hit her just how oppressive society was until she learned of the root of this discrimination, and all the subtle ways it's translated into modern society. Since it's impossible to list it all, she'll just go through a few random examples:

  1. Electronics. We know about the computer mouse, but 'twas the "crackberry" finally hit this home for Poker Chick. She tried to type one-handed on it and realized her finger was not long enough to reach all the way to the right of the device to click "send".
  2. Shopping. When you buy something with a credit card, what side of the machine is that electronic pen on? Is the cord long enough to reach around for that John Hancock? (I'll give you a hint: the answer is "no")
  3. Business. When you shake hands, what hand do you use? Everyone knows, the right. But most people don't know why. Poker Chick would tell you, but the answer is so insulting, she'll leave it alone.
  4. Education. Writing in English is particularly difficult to learn for a left-handed child if the teacher refuses to teach left-handed children in a way that is easy for them.* This explains why the only "D" Poker Chick received in grade school was in handwriting. And why cursive is still elusive to her. And while her colleagues have names for her chicken scratch.
  5. Work. Power tools!** Think about power tools. Picture a lefty using a skill saw, which is clearly meant for a right-handed person. Injury ensues.
Indeed, it is therefore not surprising to find that many left-handed people actually consider themselves opressed. So call me a Jew-girl. Call me a princess. Call me a wimp. Call me a nut job. But don't ever, ever call me a Southpaw.

*Source: and every left-handed person you'll ever meet
** Stop laughing. Poker Chick does, in fact, know what a power tool is.


Anonymous said...

I have been a left-handed person all of my life and have suffered discrimination. For example a lefty player is automatically excluded from all infield positions in baseball (except 1st base).

Did you know that left-handed people are generally more intelligent, more creative, more complex and better looking.

That said, I have long suffered from a questionable state of mental health...

Anonymous said...

"eh, gaga!"