The Halloween Horror Snow

New Yorkers were taken by surprise today by the first October snowstorm in the city since....well, ever.

The snow messed everything up.

Occupy Wall Street protesters were brutally reminded of the generators they had lost just one day ago but chose to stay and freeze.

Other Manhattan residents were just dumbstruck.  Had it ever snowed in October? Well, technically there was a quarter inch in 1925 but with vanity sizing and all that a quarter inch in 1925 is probably less than a tenth of an inch by today's standards anyway.

What is the reason for this bizarre weather?

Well, some people think the end of the world is upon us.  One theory is that we all died May 21 and are now in some alternate universe without knowing it.

That's one way to go.

Another theory is that while the world didn't end on May 21, a chain of events was set off that will build up to our imminent destruction. 

People who subscribe to this theory were doing giant "I told you so!" dances in August after the Gotham City was hit by an earthquake and a hurricane, in the same week.   Since then, residents have been bracing themselves for locusts and cattle sickness, as surely these must be next.

Others are saying the May 21 date is really October 21, and they too are probably doing little dances today.

These are all interesting theories.  But we have another one.

You see, none of it made sense until now.  The earthquake, hurricane, both of those were rare, mild, and technically the earthquake wasn't even anywhere near New York.  So to link this recent snowstorm, a storm that brought us thundersnow, no less, to those events is odd.  Thundersnow, peeps!  Do we have to hit you over the head?

Clearly, we must blame the Canadians.

Is it a coincidence that the bizarre October event coincides with the arrival of several friends' relatives from up North? We think not.  Is it a coincidence that just one day prior, the team that won the World Series just happened to be the one closest to Canada?  Did you think it was a coincidence that this event happened exactly one hundred forty-four years, 3 months and 29 days after Canada officially became a country? Do you not see these facts staring at you in the face?

It was only a matter of time before those mild-mannered folk up North finally realized they had twice as much land as everyone else and set out to conquer the rest of North America.

It's a genius plan, really.  First, they hit us with their freak snow and next thing you know there's Caribou all over the place and every tap in the city is filled with Molson.  Then, when we're weakened, they hit us with (gasp!) their socialist medicine and gun control laws. We must stop them before it's too late!

Betcha thought those guys were dressed up for Halloween, didn't you?

Did you not see those Royal Canadian Mounties riding around the village today?  You didn't actually think those were Halloween costumes, did you?  That's exactly what they want you to think.  They're stealth, these snow-lovers, we tell you.  Stealth.  But what else would you expect from a nation whose first official citizen was named Snorri?*

Fortunately, we're onto them.   So next time you see a whole bunch of Canadian tourists "in town" after a bizarre aberration of Mother Nature, be on guard.  We're just saying.



*You can't make this stuff up! "Snorri", born in Vinland around 1000 A.D, was the first North American child to be born of European parents (Thorfin and Gudrid).

Notes on a Storm (a.k.a. one scaredy chick)

Picture this. A quiet apartment. A child who has just (supposedly) gone to sleep. The microwave beeping that your reheated pizza is ready (I know, I know, but I was too lazy to wait for the oven).

Suddenly, you hear rattling around on the street and a crack against the window. You look out and see trees blowing in a might wind (sorry, couldn't resist). No, seriously. The trees were practically horizontal. The rattling was trash cans in the street, having been picked up and knocked over as if they were light as a feather. You peer down into the street and realize all the people are running. Let me repeat. Running. These are New Yorkers. Unless you run around yelling "Fire!" (or "crane!" these days), they ain't running for anyone, and they may even be cynical enough not to believe you then.

That cracking sound? It was wind so strong you call your husband and immediately ask if a tornado is in New York. Not that you've ever seen one. But if you did, it would probably look a lot like this.

After he pooh-pooh's your concerns and dismisses your fears as being overly dramatic (what? ME! Dramatic?), the lighting starts. This is no ordinary lighting. We're talking serious voltage here, moving straight down from the sky to the street. Faster than you can blink, it flashes. And then the thunder starts. So loud you jump and cover your ears.

Scared yet? Admit it! You would be!

Seeking validation (and ammo against the "drama queen" argument), you scour the internet for news alerts, weather radar, anything. And then you find this:

* AT 853 PM EDT...NATIONAL WEATHER SERVICE DOPPLER RADAR INDICATED A LINE OF SEVERE THUNDERSTORMS CAPABLE OF PRODUCING PENNY SIZE HAIL...AND DESTRUCTIVE WINDS (destuctive, peeps!) IN EXCESS OF 70 MPH (that's like hurricane speed). THESE STORMS WERE LOCATED ALONG A LINE EXTENDING FROM CALDWELL TO PLAINFIELD... OR ALONG A LINE EXTENDING FROM EAST HANOVER TO SOUTH PLAINFIELD... AND MOVING EAST AT 50 MPH (that's a fast moving storm, baby).
* SEVERE THUNDERSTORMS WILL BE NEAR... UNION...ORANGE...LINDEN AND BLOOMFIELD BY 905 PM... PATERSON...RUTHERFORD...PASSAIC AND NEWARK BY 910 PM... BERGENFIELD AND PARAMUS BY 915 PM... (Poker Chick reports they hit NYC at 9:13pm) IN ADDITION TO LARGE HAIL AND DAMAGING WINDS...CONTINUOUS CLOUD TO GROUND LIGHTNING (hey! did we not just describe the cloud to ground effect?) IS OCCURRING WITH THIS STORM. MOVE INDOORS IMMEDIATELY! (They said immediately! Them's serious words!) LIGHTNING IS ONE OF NATURES NUMBER ONE KILLERS. REMEMBER...IF YOU CAN HEAR THUNDER...YOU ARE CLOSE ENOUGH TO BE STRUCK BY LIGHTNING.


Okay. Did y'all read that? Now who thinks the reaction was overly dramatic? Mmmm hmmm.. We thought so.