The Halloween Horror Snow

New Yorkers were taken by surprise today by the first October snowstorm in the city since....well, ever.

The snow messed everything up.

Occupy Wall Street protesters were brutally reminded of the generators they had lost just one day ago but chose to stay and freeze.

Other Manhattan residents were just dumbstruck.  Had it ever snowed in October? Well, technically there was a quarter inch in 1925 but with vanity sizing and all that a quarter inch in 1925 is probably less than a tenth of an inch by today's standards anyway.

What is the reason for this bizarre weather?

Well, some people think the end of the world is upon us.  One theory is that we all died May 21 and are now in some alternate universe without knowing it.

That's one way to go.

Another theory is that while the world didn't end on May 21, a chain of events was set off that will build up to our imminent destruction. 

People who subscribe to this theory were doing giant "I told you so!" dances in August after the Gotham City was hit by an earthquake and a hurricane, in the same week.   Since then, residents have been bracing themselves for locusts and cattle sickness, as surely these must be next.

Others are saying the May 21 date is really October 21, and they too are probably doing little dances today.

These are all interesting theories.  But we have another one.

You see, none of it made sense until now.  The earthquake, hurricane, both of those were rare, mild, and technically the earthquake wasn't even anywhere near New York.  So to link this recent snowstorm, a storm that brought us thundersnow, no less, to those events is odd.  Thundersnow, peeps!  Do we have to hit you over the head?

Clearly, we must blame the Canadians.

Is it a coincidence that the bizarre October event coincides with the arrival of several friends' relatives from up North? We think not.  Is it a coincidence that just one day prior, the team that won the World Series just happened to be the one closest to Canada?  Did you think it was a coincidence that this event happened exactly one hundred forty-four years, 3 months and 29 days after Canada officially became a country? Do you not see these facts staring at you in the face?

It was only a matter of time before those mild-mannered folk up North finally realized they had twice as much land as everyone else and set out to conquer the rest of North America.

It's a genius plan, really.  First, they hit us with their freak snow and next thing you know there's Caribou all over the place and every tap in the city is filled with Molson.  Then, when we're weakened, they hit us with (gasp!) their socialist medicine and gun control laws. We must stop them before it's too late!

Betcha thought those guys were dressed up for Halloween, didn't you?

Did you not see those Royal Canadian Mounties riding around the village today?  You didn't actually think those were Halloween costumes, did you?  That's exactly what they want you to think.  They're stealth, these snow-lovers, we tell you.  Stealth.  But what else would you expect from a nation whose first official citizen was named Snorri?*

Fortunately, we're onto them.   So next time you see a whole bunch of Canadian tourists "in town" after a bizarre aberration of Mother Nature, be on guard.  We're just saying.



*You can't make this stuff up! "Snorri", born in Vinland around 1000 A.D, was the first North American child to be born of European parents (Thorfin and Gudrid).

Excuse Me Please, My Grace is Gone

While some of you know Poker Chick better than others, you're all no doubt familiar with her clumsiness (hey, it's endearing!) Lately she's been at her finest. Here's a banner example. It's written in the first person for a change.


Thursday: I go to an early appointment before work. Being the lazy-ass that I am, I of course don't set my alarm much earlier than usual, which means no time to blow dry the hair. I'm also arrogant and stubborn, so I assume this will not be an issue: I'll get a taxi right away. Now a reasonably intelligent person would have perhaps thought that it might be harder than usual to get a cab a day after a snowstorm; not to mention one where it's so cold all the ice has frozen. But we're not talking about a normal person. We're talking about Poker Chick (that would be me). Can you guess what happens next?

Real hard, right? Yeah. So I can't get a cab to save my life. After 15 minutes of trying and several blocks of walking I concede defeat and wait for the bus. My ears are so cold, they literally hurt. Like burning hurt. I've got no hat of course. Hey, know what happens to wet hair in the cold with no hat? It freezes. It froze into the scrunched-up curls I had tried to achieve. Eventually, it thawed at work, but still had that "frozen" look all day. Fortunately, I was able to not break it while it was still frozen. (I learned that lesson the hard way after several repeat ice storms my freshman year of college.)

When I finally made it to my appointment, 40 minutes and two bus transfers later, I'd practically missed it. So I went to work. After defrosting, I decided I was ready to look like a normal person again. I put makeup on (yep, that step got skipped in favor of extra sleep as well) and took my jacket off and my snow boots off so I could put on the nice black boots that went with my awesome new-ish black dress. Now, it was at this point that I finally breathed a sigh of relief. I was dressed. The hair was almost dry. I had my "Poker Face" on (ha! I kill me!) As I grabbed my soft boots I felt re-energized and ready to start my day. That was when I went to put one on and realized I had been schlepping the wrong boots with me all morning.

This left me with three options:

1. Walk barefoot in the office all day
2. Wear snowboots with the dress all day or
   
3. Wear 5-year old out-of-style ankle boots with a knee length dress

Um, no. None of the above please (though for the record if forced to choose I'd pick option #1 without question).

But I wasn't forced to choose and couldn't accept defeat again. So there went my relief and on came the snowboots and jacket. I'd decided to cab it and run home and back to get the right shoes. I was all the way at the lobby when I realized I had one dollar in my wallet. Sigh.

So up I went again. At this point, I was so determined to not look like I wasn't put together, I decided I had to get those shoes no matter what. In desparation, I borrowed money from Lauren. Yes, the eager hard-working woman who used to be on my team. She's barely two years out of college and makes so little dough, she can't even afford internet access at home. But I borrowed money from her anyway. This is how low I've sunk in the name of vanity.

I'm pleased to report it worked out eventually. By 11 o'clock that morning I was a decent-looking, non-snow boot wearing, working woman again.
And my debt has been repaid (in fact I think Lauren may owe me money now....)

Sadly, such is a typical day in Poker Chick's life. Those who aren't satisfied might want to hear the one a week earlier when I spilled soy sauce all over my carpet. Immediately after, I dragged my brother on a dare to get carpet cleaner downstairs at Rite Aid, even though I was in my pyjamas. If you want to hear more of this klutzy story (or choose from hundreds of others!) feel free to find me off-line. I can tell them with much more dramatic effect in person anyway.